  
A Very
Special Halloween Issue of
The newspaper that puts apples in your razor blades Issue
#77
BELIEVE
IT OR ELSE
Costume
of the Week
Okay, it's a little bit of work, but this Halloween, you might want to turn yourself into a giant robotic dog. Arnold
Schwarzenegger's Pumpkin
What About the Hummer? General Motors Corp. will rename its Buick LaCrosse in Canada because the name for the car is slang for masturbation in Quebec. So Sue Me
Mikhail Gorbachev has trademarked his forehead. Vietnam
Redux
Oh boy, they're gearing up to bring back the draft. Shoot Me Now Dennis Miller is considering a run for the Senate against Barbara Boxer, one of the only Senators to vote "no" against Bush's $87 billion giveaway.
October 24 Army Sgt. Michael S. Hancock, 29, of Yreka, Calif.; assigned to 1st Battalion, 320th Field Artillery Regiment, Fort Campbell, Ky.; killed Oct. 24 when he was shot while on guard duty in Mosul, Iraq. October 23 Army Capt. John R. Teal, 31, of Mechanicsville, Va.; assigned to 2nd Brigade, 4th Infantry Division, Fort Hood, Texas; killed Oct. 23 when an improvised explosive device exploded by his convoy in Baqubah, Iraq. October 22 Army Spc. John P. Johnson, 24, of Houston, Texas; assigned to 2nd Battalion, 6th Infantry Regiment, 1st Armored Division, Baumholder, Germany; died Oct. 22 of non-combat-related injuries in Baghdad. Army Pvt. Jason M. Ward, 25, of Tulsa, Okla.; assigned to 2nd Battalion, 70th Armored Regiment, 1st Armored Division, Fort Riley, Kan.; died Oct. 22 of non-combat related injuries in Baghdad. October 21
October 20
- Faces of Valor -
"It is
a better and more important story than losing a couple soldiers every day."
How to
Kill 10 Guys in a Day
Just go to Baghdad. Movie
of the Week
Fucking USA is an outrageous anti-American propaganda video made by North Koreans and previously broadcast on South Korean and Japanese Television. English translation titles by Rob Pongi. Shockwave Movies of the Week Fascinating films of dozens of different manufacturing processes. Saving
Jessica Lynch
"Shot through both legs and held prisoner in Iraq for 22 days, Shoshana
Johnson returned home to a difficult convalescence that lacked the media
fury and official hype that attended her friend and comrade in arms Jessica
Lynch.
The War
Against Plants
Billboards advocating the legalization of marijuana, such as this one at Eastern Market Station, have been posted in Metro stations as public service announcements in Washington, DC. Lawmakers are shocked, I tell you, shocked. Cartoon
of the Week
Calling All Writers "Planners" know what they want to say before they say it. At a minimum, they plan their story's structure in their heads before they start typing; at the maximum, they compose from a written outline. "Plungers" tend to write by discovery. They have no idea of structure when they start typing. They usually type sentences or paragraphs or sections, and then rearrange them to make sense. Take this quiz to see if you're a planner or a plunger. Don't Take My Word For It "There is a feeling that
the Internet is full of junk and it is, but it is also full of free-thinking
and spirited debate about the issues that affect us all. Even though much
of the Internet has come under the watchful eye of the dominant corporate
media empires, that free-wheeling and vigorous exchange of ideas and values
is ongoing; the media magnates have not figured out yet how to stifle the
obvious groundswell of people who are just plain angry about watching our
world sliding into a toilet and who are increasingly convinced that everyone
is lying to us about it."
"When I am working on
a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the
problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I
know it is wrong."
"A work is never completed
but merely abandoned."
"The State is the coldest
of all cold monsters and coldly it tells lies, and this lie oozes from
its lips, 'I, the State, am the people.'"
"Few newspapers routinely
report injuries in Iraq, beyond references to specific incidents. Since
the war began in March, 1,927 soldiers have been wounded in Iraq, many
quite severely. (The tally is current as of Oct. 20.) Of this number, 1,590
were wounded in hostile action, and 337 from other causes. About 20% of
the injured in Iraq have suffered severe brain injuries, and as many as
70% 'had the potential for resulting in brain injury,' according to an
Oct. 16 article in The Boston Globe."
"Meetings are indispensable
when you don't want to do anything."
"The willingness with
which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified,
shall be directly proportional to how they perceive the veterans of earlier
wars were treated and appreciated by their nation."
"Evangelicals have thought
historically, 'Well, we'll do politics the way we do faith - we'll just
convert the opposition.' But you can't do politics the same way you do
religion."
"If Howard Dean is George
McGovern...who does that make George W. Bush?"
"There are 170 newspapers
being published in Iraq. It could be argued that the citizens of Baghdad
have more newspaper choice than the citizens of my hometown, Louisville,
Ky. Some of these papers are probably more credible even than, shall we
say, The New York Times."
"According to the World
Bank, almost one child in 10 in Gaza and the West Bank is suffering from
severe malnutrition."
"By substituting his
judgment for the judgment of the courts, the governor 'set aside the role
of the whole judicial system,' [Howard] Simon said, warning that a precedent
has been set for Bush and legislators to write laws gutting any court decision
they don't like."
"Attorney
Mary Houghton's court pleadings sought Chong's harsh punishment because
he got rich 'glamorizing the illegal distribution and use of marijuana'
in films that 'trivialize law enforcement efforts to combat drug trafficking
and use.'
"In dealing with the
State, we ought to remember that its institution are not aboriginal, though
they existed before we were born: that they are not superior to the citizen:
that every one of them was once the act of a single man: every law and
usage was a man's expedient to meet a particular case: that they all are
imitable, all alterable; we may make as good; we may make better."
"If the president is
not a complete moron -- and he probably is not -- he is a hardened cynic,
staging moral anguish he does not feel, pandering to people he cannot possibly
agree with and sacrificing the future of many American citizens for short-term
political advantage."
"He built up a massive
war machine while neglecting the basic needs of his own people."
"A major chunk of the
American economy is built on Saudi money. They have a trillion dollars
invested in our stock market and another trillion dollars sitting in our
banks. If one day they chose to suddenly remove that money, our corporations
and financial institutions would be sent into a tailspin, causing an economic
crisis the likes of which has never been seen. Couple that with the fact
that the one and a half million barrels of oil we need daily from the Saudis
also could vanish on a mere royal whim, and we begin to see how not only
you but all of us are dependent on the House of Saud."
"Why
does the United States persist in hysteria about its security? It is beyond
any comparison the most powerful country that has ever existed. It is shielded
by two oceans. Its two immediate neighbors, Canada and Mexico, are peaceable
and feeble. Where's the threat?
"The guilty flee when
no man pursueth."
"I was shocked and angered
when I found out how many of the service men hate being in Iraq and want
nothing to do with rebuilding and policing the devastated nation. From
the conversations I had, many soldiers never wanted to go over to Iraq
and fight, and the ones who had were now convinced of the awful crime that
had been committed against Iraq and our own troops. I was told very few
soldiers now believe in staying in Iraq, or want to stay in the country
and serve any more days."
"Thanks
in part to the recent Bush approved Help America Vote Act (HAVA), squadrons
of shiny new Touch Screen Trojan horses are being rolled into precincts
across America. Not, as we are told, to make voting easier or more accurate,
or to help disabled people vote privately, or to save America from the
dangers of hanging chad and butterfly ballots -- no. The real reason America
is being flooded with billions of dollars worth of paperless computerized
voting machines is so that no one will ever again be able to prove vote
fraud.
"Kremlin efforts to link
Chechen rebel leader Aslan Maskhadov to the attack [on the Dubrovka theater]
have been so effective that the United States and other Western powers
have all but accepted Moscow's argument that its abuse-riddled military
campaign in Chechnya is part of the global war on terror and given up pushing
Russia to negotiate with the rebels."
"[W]hile Cheney noted
that when asked what kind of government they would like, Iraqis chose 'the
U.S. . . . hands down,' in fact, the results of the poll are actually quite
different. Twenty-three percent of Iraqis say that they would like to model
their new government after the U.S.; 17.5 percent would like their model
to be Saudi Arabia; 12 percent say Syria, 7 percent say Egypt and 37 percent
say 'none of the above.' That's hardly 'winning hands down.'"
"Never doubt that a small
group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's
the only thing that ever has."
"The people should conduct
a revolution every ten or twenty years just to keep our government fresh."
"Think universally. Act
terrestrially."
Everything Else Mandatory reading: How Come Psychopathic Dictators Get Such Bad Press These Days? by Kim Jong Il. Mother Teresa, the founder of the Missionaries of Charity order in West Bengal, is believed to have cured Monica Besra of an abdominal tumor, which the Vatican approved as a miracle, which is why she achieved sainthood, which is why some people who call themselves "rationalists" say it was a hoax. You think you've got it bad? Read about what it's like to be abused by Liza Minnelli. A British-based charity group is alleging that four billion out of an estimated five billion dollars in Iraq oil revenues and other funds have "disappeared into opaque bank accounts" administered by the Coalition Provisional Authority. Wanna marry your pet? Then why haven't you been to marryyourpet.com? The United States is the only country ever to deny funding to the UNFPA (United Nations Population Fund) for non-budgetary reasons. In July 2002, the U.S. Administration announced its decision to withhold $34 million - that had previously been appropriated by Congress to UNFPA - based on false claims that the Fund supports coercive abortion in China. UNFPA estimates that this 12.5 per cent resource shortfall would result in 2 million unwanted pregnancies per year, nearly 800,000 abortions, 4,700 maternal deaths and 77,000 infant and child deaths. UNFPA is committed to saving women's lives and the income reduction will severely limit its ability to protect women's health during pregnancy and childbirth. What do they want? One dollar apiece from 34 million people. (Okay, if it's the United Nations Population Fund, why is it called the UNFPA instead of the UNPF? The original name was the United Nations Fund for Population Activities but it was shortened in 1987. In the type of decision that could only be made by an international bureaucracy, the original acronym was retained despite the name change.) Tired of gel shaving creams that clog up your triple-blade razor? Check out the competition at the World Beard and Mustache Championships. Just generally fed up? Go to The Kill Everyone Project and vent your frustrations against the world. Maybe not. Here's all the information you need to emigrate to Canada.
Last
Disinfotainment Today
Issue #76
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Evil
Idiot of the Week
