Good News/Bad News

It's good that Saddam Hussein was captured but it's also good for Dubya that he was captured which means it's bad he was captured. Danger, Will Robinson. Does not compute. My poor wittle head cannot simultaneously contain these two thoughts. Brain about to explode. Too many questions. Am I the only one swamped with an overwhelming sense of ambiguity?

Was it really worth two wars, more than $100 billion, and over 400 American lives for one minute of humiliating video footage?

How come they're treating him so well? I'd love a free shave, haircut, and dental inspection.

How could they capture him alive when they know he's chock full of information that the BFEE (Bush Family Evil Empire) doesn't want made public? Won't they get pissed once he opens his mouth? Aren't they worried he'll blab about working for the CIA, or the $100 billion he gave to Dubya that was laundered by the Queen of England through a joint bank account at the Coutts Bank in London, or the $16 billion bribe that Bush paid Blair to join the coalition against Iraq, or his black daughter (yeah, yeah, she SAYS she's the daughter of Strom Thurmond but we know better)?

When they shaved him, how come they let him keep his mustache?

Is anyone else waiting for some club owner from Texas to kill Hussein before he gets to trial?

If his hair is dyed and he was down there for days, how come he's got no grey roots?

Will his trial be the goddam reality show of the century?

Who will defend him, Johnnie Cochran?

If he's from Tikrit, you must acquit?

Could my local paper have come up with a more pathetic headline than "Valley awakes to news of Saddam's capture?"

Can Saddam Hussein look-alikes now work supermarket openings with impunity?

First question I'd ask Saddam: "Did you get all those e-mails I sent offering to enlarge your penis?"

Second question I'd ask Saddam: "With all that money, why weren't you found lounging on a beach in the Caymans with Osama?"

Third question I'd ask Saddam: "Did you know your lice are on sale at eBay?"

Hot new Christmas item: "Daddy, can I have a spider hole?"

If a tree falls in the forest and the New York Times doesn't report it, does that mean Margie Schoedinger committed suicide?

Next in Line for "Suicide"

Ellen Mariani is suing Bush, Cheney, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld - the whole lot of them - for killing her husband on 9/11.

The War on Plants

Somebody's got to explain to me why anybody 
cares whether this guy is doing cocaine.

What's Your Blues name?

From the first list, take the moniker using the initial of your first name, from the second, do the same with your middle initial, and from the third, get your surname. Then, sing.

First: A=Fat; B=Muddy; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin'; G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty; M=Jailhouse; N=PegLeg; O=Red; P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny; S=Blind; T=Big; U=Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin'; X=Fat Boy; Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye

Second: A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer; H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot; O=Mama; P=Back; Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken; V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke

Third: A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown; G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith; L=Parker; M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson; S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson; Y=Blue; Z=Allison

- Planet Proctor -

Music Video of the Week

Have yourself a Burger King Christmas.

Non-Music Video of the Week

Conspiracy Tonight from Daniel Hopsicker and the Mad Cow Morning News will not be shown on television tonight or any other night. It contains a pretty interesting interview with Mohammed Atta's girlfriend.

Capitalist Scumbags of the Week

    As of January 16, 2004, Microsoft will consider Windows98 to be "obsolete" and will no longer provide ANY technical support whatsoever. This is bad news for anyone with Windows98 who ever has to reinstall, which I had to do last week. It's impossible to do without downloading dozens of patches from the Microsoft site, patches that will no longer be available.
    What can you do about it? Get this. You've got to go to Windows Update, select "Personalize" from "Other Options" in the left menu, and activate the "Display the link to the Windows Catalog" option. The Catalog will appear in the "See Also" menu on the left. You can then use the Catalog to pull down whatever Updates and Drivers you want. Items you select go onto a "download basket" from which you can retrieve them to save on your hard drive, on a CD or whatever, for safekeeping and later use.

- Thanks to the Langa List for their help with this atrocity -

Close second: Miramax, who recently threatened a movie review site for simply linking to importers of martial arts films.

Partners From Hell

Why exactly is Al Gore backing Dean by saying he's the only Democratic candidate to have opposed the war from the beginning when Kucinich opposed the war from the beginning too? Why is there a need to lie about such a thing? Is Al Gore the new Karl Rove of the left? Yeah, I know, I shouldn't attack Dean or Gore because they're our only chance to get rid of our malignant tumor, but why the fuck (to borrow a word from another Democratic candidate) does Gore have to be deceitful about something as petty as who opposed the war first? DON'T FIGHT LIES WITH LIES! Fight lies with TRUTH! Goddammit.

I Feel So Much Safer Now

Dubya warned Taiwan to stop practicing democracy.

Governor Musclehead has already broken two campaign promises.

Gallery of the Week Other than aliens landing on our planet,
I'm sure there's a perfectly rational explanation
for these skulls found in Peru.

Don't Take My Word For It

"I can't believe this. I'm crying here. I feel that we now don't have a chance in this election."
- Carrie B over at Howard Dean's Blog for America -

"If Howard Dean had his way, Saddam Hussein would be in power today, not in prison."
- Joseph Lieberman on Meet the Press -

"The capture at last of Saddam Hussein is wonderful news. It stands to change everything. Particularly, it is the end of the awful nightmare of the people of Iraq, who feared that the man who brutalized their country for 35 years might yet return to power and wreak terrible vengeance on those who cheered his downfall."
- The Arab News strangely enough -

"Saddam wasn't a threat to us. This was a war of choice and we made a bad choice (and many more bad choices subsequently). Kosovo was also a war of choice. Whether or not that was a bad choice, consider the disparity in the media coverage of those wars." 
- Eschaton -

"The United States must seize this moment and end the occupation of Iraq. The United States must reach out to the world community with a new plan to stabilize Iraq, bring UN peacekeepers in, and bring US troops home."- Dennis Kucinich - "So much of what has gone wrong with this country since Bush became president stems from a belief in simple justice, a belief that if we just eliminate all the bad guys, good will triumph." 
- Body and Soul -

"Timing is suspicious also because Gore and Dean were planning a major foreign policy speech for tomorrow in California. How convenient that this news breaks the day before."
- Darwin O. at DNC: Kicking Ass -

"Ironically, Saddam Hussein may have his rights protected more securely than American citizens like Jose Padilla, or the foreign 'fighters' kept under indefinite lock and key down in Guantanamo Bay. Can you imagine the world wide outrage when Saddam Hussein is given a fair trial, and we STILL will not provide one for any of the Guantanamo detainees?"
- Counterspin Central -

"I'm surprised that Bush captured Hussein so early. I was certain that he would wait until September 04 to segue the next big steal."
- Mike Lawson -

"To have the United States at our side was to me the greatest joy. Now at this very moment I knew the United States was in the war, up to the neck and in to the death. So we had won after all!... Hitler's fate was sealed. Mussolini's fate was sealed. As for the Japanese, they would be ground to powder."
- Winston Churchill -

*RRRING* "Yes, hello? No, Allah has not turned on the TV yet. He just woke up. Why? Saddam is on TV? Glorious! Did he make a new video? No? Well, why else would he be on tele--- ALLAH WILL CALL YOU BACK."
- Allah is in the House -

"Well gosh golly it only took upwards 400+ dead U.S. soldiers (and counting) and over 10,000 dead innocent Iraqi citizens (and counting) and countless tens of thousands of dead Iraqi soldiers and about 150 billion in your tax moneys (and counting) and the screeching blood sacrifice of both our national pride and our international status and the gutting of our foreign policy, and he was of course no threat to America whatsoever and never had much of a military force to begin with and if he ever had any WMD he destroyed them over a decade ago, and we brutally invaded his unhappy nation and laid waste to it for absolutely no justifiable reason whatsoever, but finally Saddam Hussein has been captured alive, yay yay go team. Shortly after soldiers pulled an aged, bearded Saddam from a makeshift cellar, Defense Secretary Donald 'black souled' Rumsfeld was delivering the news of the prized capture to Bush, who stopped coloring in his favorite book and looked up all startled and let out the cutest happy little gurgle. The anticlimatic end to a nine-month search for the dictator instantly changed the politics of Iraq back in America, where huge amounts of insanely gullible citizens instantly upgraded their view of BushCo in the polls, because this is how really quite sad and stupid many have become and this is how useless polls are, that Saddam's capture suddenly means BushCo is some sort of decent leader and that the capture somehow negates, you know, a vile and budget-reaming and oil-sucking and U.N.-violating and utterly demeaning war no one wanted. Yay. Go team."
- Mark Morford -

"Build a man a fire and you warm him for a day; set a man on fire and you warm him for the rest of his life."
- unknown -

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair."
- George Burns -

"The theory of a free press is that truth will emerge from free discussion, not that it will be presented perfectly and instantly in any one account." 
– Walter Lippman -

"The biggest part of reporting the truth is the news agenda itself. What we choose to put on the air, what we think is a page one story, what our priorities are. I would not be fooled by the old myth that reporting is about objectivity. Deciding what is news is the most subjective of acts and it is probably the most important thing that we do."
- Carl Bernstein -

"Measures to fight global warming will have to be at least four times stronger than the Kyoto Protocol if they are to avoid the melting of the polar ice caps, inundating central London and many of the world's biggest cities..."
- Geoffrey Lean: Melting Ice 'Will Swamp Capitals' -

"Taiwan's democratically elected president, Chen Shui-bian, has been hinting that maybe his people should make a democratic choice about whether to unite with China or become independent. Yesterday President Bush essentially placed the United States on the side of the dictators who promise war, rather than the democrats whose threat is a ballot box. Mr. Bush had his reasons for doing so--above all to avoid one more foreign policy crisis during an election year. But in avoiding a headache for himself, he demonstrated again how malleable is his commitment to the defense of freedom as a guiding principle of U.S. policy."
- Mr. Bush's Kowtow -

"In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce and brave man, hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot."
- Mark Twain -

"You have learned a lesson, you useful idiot. You're just another in a long line of despots who was used by U.S. foreign policy for their own ends. As long as you don't go rogue, or screw up and invade a country on an American diplomatic statement that you hoped gave you cover. Moron. Welcome to the trap."
- RB Ham -

"A Wisconsin company is recalling more than 11,000 Candy Bar Cheesecakes that contain Butterfinger, Reese's Pieces, Peanut Butter Cup or Snickers, because the cheesecakes don't specifically list peanuts on the ingredient label, even though every single one of the candy bars is peanut-based and one actually says, you know, Peanut Butter Cup and if you're gleefully sucking down slabs of candy bar cheesecake packed with hunks of Snickers bars and you're not all that coherent and you're violently allergic to peanuts and yet you sort of think hey isn't Snickers all about peanuts and isn't 'Peanut Butter Cup' maybe an indication of some sort of peanut ingredient, but the ingredients don't specifically list them, oh well, and maybe you're sitting there saying, wow, candy bar cheesecake, this isn't quite toxic and lethal enough, maybe if I deep-fried it and slathered it in Crisco and covered it in confectioner's sugar, there now, that's tasty, maybe if you're saying that you might also have some other deep and rather disturbing concerns about your health and general intelligence quotient beyond nasty peanut allergies. Is all I'm saying."
- Mark Morford -

    "I can guarantee to you, without equivocation, that every fact in my movie is true. Three teams of fact-checkers and two groups of lawyers went through it with a fine tooth comb to make sure that every statement of fact is indeed an indisputable fact. Trust me, no film company would ever release a film like this without putting it through the most vigorous vetting process possible. The sheer power and threat of the NRA is reason enough to strike fear in any movie studio or theater chain. The NRA will go after you without mercy if they think there's half a chance of destroying you. That's why we don't have better gun laws in this country – every member of Congress is scared to death of them.
    "Well, guess what. Total number of lawsuits to date against me or my film by the NRA? NONE. That's right, zero. And don't forget for a second that if they could have shut this film down on a technicality they would have. But they didn't and they can't – because the film is factually solid and above reproach. In fact, we have not been sued by any individual or group over the statements made in 'Bowling for Columbine?' Why is that? Because everything we say is true – and the things that are our opinion, we say so and leave it up to the viewer to decide if our point of view is correct or not for each of them. 
    "So, faced with a thoroughly truthful and honest film, those who object to the film's political points are left with the choice of debating us on the issues in the film – or resorting to character assassination. They have chosen the latter. What a sad place to be."
- Michael Moore -

    "Imagine these banner headlines, circa, say, 1998: President's Brother in Biz With Red Chinese! President's Brother Beds Prostitutes as Corporate Perk! President's Brother Hip-Deep in War Profiteering: The More Blood His White House Sibling Spills, the Fatter the Family Coffers!

- Chris Floyd: Blood Kin -

"Oh, by the way, President's Brother in Bed with Red Chinese."
- Xarvon, Alien Investigator -

"A single raindrop raises the level of the sea."
- Noah ben Shea -

"Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives."
- John Stuart Mill -

"The first step in having any successful war is getting people to fight it."
- Fran Lebowitz -

"To do evil a human being must first of all believe that what he's doing is good... Ideology - that is what gives devildoing its long-sought justification and gives the evildoer the necessary steadfastness and determination. That is the social theory which helps to make his acts seem good instead of bad in his own and others' eyes, so that he won't hear reproaches and curses but will receive praise and honors."
- Alexander Solzhenitsyn -

"Try this on for size: Those nine were the very children that we were protecting, but, because of the bad people nearby - or, well, somewhere around there - anyway, in that region or that country (is Afghanistan the Middle East?!), oh you know what I mean - we had to drop some bombs. And - and - and they hit that house with the kids in it, and - and - and you see, (oh wait, this is good) if we hadn't done it, the terrorists probably would have, sooner or later! So, voila - We were actually protecting the children, but because the known terrorist wouldn't come out and show him - or herself to our bombers, those poor children got killed instead. The terrorists, you see, killed them in a manner of speaking."
-Tess Harper: When Christians Kill -

"They can trace your e-mails now, using DNA that the keys on the keyboard extract from your fingertips. I can't believe I invented that technology and then they go and use it against me. Totally nuts."
- Larry Doyle: I Killed Them in New Haven -

"That there are men in all countries who get their living by war, and by keeping up the quarrels of nations, is as shocking as it is true; but when those who are concerned in the government of a country, make it their study to sow discord, and cultivate prejudices between nations, it becomes the more unpardonable."
- Thomas Paine: The Rights of Man, 1792 -

"I'm so sick of arming the world then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet.
   'Pick it up.'
   'I don't want to pick it up, mister, you'll shoot me.'
   'Pick up the gun.'
   'Mr., I don't want no trouble, huh? I just came downtown here to pick up some hard rock candy for my kid and some gingham for my wife.'
   'Pick up the gun.'
   BLAM
   'You all saw him. He had a gun.'"
- Bill Hicks -

"There is nothing more difficult to plan, more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage than the creation of a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit by the preservation of the old system and merely lukewarm defenders in those who would gain by the new one."
- Machiavelli, 1513 -

"Now I understood for the first time that all these problems are caused by a race asleep and thrashing about in its panicked nightmares. There will be wars and holocausts and genocides as long as God is portrayed and thought of as a tight-minded legislator, a feudal lord, an offended King, a hypersensitive Artisan even if church managers condescendingly tack onto that ridiculous list the not-very-convincing footnote that He is also loving. As long as people dream that they are insecure and needy in some sort of eternal jeopardy, there will be atrocities. But as the human race grows up spiritually, and as individuals gain a personal experience of the God they have been worshipping in fear, they will recognize that much of their theology and philosophy is built on nightmares. That will be the day of peace."
- George Fowler: Dance of a Fallen Monk -

"This should be a celebrated moment. A man who brutalized his own people is no longer in power. But the unfortunate reality that many Americans and other people around the world are having to grapple with is that the capture of one weak dictator who never attacked any but his neighbors will only give a boost to another much more powerful dictator who has stated he will attack without provocation anyone he doesn't like the looks of."
- John S. Ashton -

"Remember that the present life in this world is merely a sport and a pastime; a time when people play foolish games, competing against one another for greater wealth and larger families. The present life is like a plant that flourishes after rain: the gardener is glad to see it grow; but soon it will wither, turning yellow, and become worthless stubble. Success in this world counts for nothing."
- Qur'an, Al-Hadid, Surah 57:20 -

     "Private corporations have penetrated western warfare so deeply that they are now the second biggest contributor to coalition forces in Iraq after the Pentagon, a Guardian investigation has established.  While the official coalition figures list the British as the second largest contingent with around 9,900 troops, they are narrowly outnumbered by the 10,000 private military contractors now on the ground.
   "The investigation has also discovered that the proportion of contracted security personnel in the firing line is 10 times greater than during the first Gulf war. In 1991, for every private contractor, there were about 100 servicemen and women; now there are 10. The private sector is so firmly embedded in combat, occupation and peacekeeping duties that the phenomenon may have reached the point of no return: the US military would struggle to wage war without it."
- Ian Traynor: The privatisation of war - 

"You are not your body.
Your body is not you.
You are not the doer.
You are not the enjoyer.
You are pure awareness,
The witness of all things.
You are without expectation,
Free.
Wherever you go,
Be happy!"
- Ashtavakra Gita 15:4 -

"Oh look at me!!! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from happy land, with a gumdrop house on lollipop lane!"
- Homer Simpson -

Everything Else

Mandatory reading: Michael Jackson's wish list at Amazon. 

Want to write funny? Check out What Are You Laughing At? by Brad Schreiber.

Merry Christmas, here's a gigantic collection of freeware.

And a Merry Christmas from Al Qaeda. Here's new footage of 9/11.

Too lazy to make a snowflake by actually getting a piece of paper, folding it up, cutting it with scissors, and unfolding it? Then you're probably too lazy to go here and do the same thing virtually.

Spinsanity, the site that counters political rhetoric with reason, has a page that debunks a lot of myths on the right AND left. Guaranteed you'll find something you thought was true that might not be.

If you're a webmaster and you haven't got a penny to spend, you have GOT to check out the free stuff at The Templates Dude.

Here's an optical illusion that'll make you nuts. Wheels that look like they're spinning but since it's a standard BMP graphic you KNOW they're not.

Jihad Unspun is an incredible collection of news about the war on terror that you won't see on Fox.

If enough people create a link like this, drug addict, whenever people type "drug addict" into Google, Rush Limbaugh's site will come up first. And if enough people create a link like this, the best site on the Internet, whenever people type "the best site on the Internet" into Google, well, you know what will happen.