Dear Mel, We love, LOVE the script! The ending works great. You'll be getting a call from us to start negotiations for the book rights. Love the Jesus character. So likable. He can't seem to catch a break! We identify with him because of it. One thing, I think we need to clearly state "the rules." Why doesn't he use his super powers to save himself? The creative people suggest that you could simply cut away to two spectators: Spectator one Why doesn't he use his super powers to save himself? Spectator two He can only use his powers to help others, never himself. 

Does it matter which garden? Gethsemane is hard to say and Eden is a much more recognizable garden. Just thinking out loud. 

Our creative people suggest a clock visual fading in and out in certain scenes like the last supper bit: Monday, 12:43pm." or later, "Good Friday, 5:14pm." Love the repetition of "is it I?" Could be very funny. On the eighth inquiry, could Jesus just give a little look into camera? Breaks frame, but could be a riot. Also could he change water into wine in last supper scene? Would be a great moment, and it's legit. History compression is a movie tradition and could really brighten up the scene. Love the flaying. Could the Rabbis be Hispanic? There's lots of hot Latino actors now, could give us a little zing at the box office. Research says there's some justification for it. 

Is there somewhere where Jesus could be using an IMac? You know, now that I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. Strike that. But think about it. Maybe we start a shot in heaven with Jesus thoughtfully closing the top? (Reminder: heaven is timeless) The studio is very high on Johnny Depp right now. Just saw him in "Pirates." He was hilarious. Might be right for Jesus? Not so straightforward. He could bring a lot of pizzazz to the role. I think a meeting would be warranted. Love the idea of Monica Belluci as Mary Magdalene (Yow!). 

Our creative people suggest a name change to Heather. Could skew our audience a little younger. Love Judas. Such a great villain. Our creative people suggest that he's a little "conflicted." Couldn't he be one thing? Just bad? Gives the movie much more of a motor. Also, 30 pieces of silver is not going to get anyone excited. I think it's very simple to make him a "new millionaire." Bring in the cash on a tray. Great dilemma that the audience can identify with. Minor spelling error: on page 18, in the description of the bystanders, there should be a space between the words "Jew" and "boy." 

Merchandising issue: it seems the cross image has been done to death and we can't own it. Could the crucifixion scene involve something else? A Toyota would be wrong, but maybe there's a shape we can copyright, like an ellipse? I'm assuming "the dialogue is in Aremeic," is a typo for "American." If not call me on my cell or I'm at home all weekend. 

By the way, I'm sending a group of staffers on a cruise to the North Pole, coincidentally around the time of the release date. Would love to invite your dad! 

- Steve Martin -

It's been medically proven that getting cannibanoids into your system by smoking marijuana can actually destroy brain cells.

The brain cells that cannibanoids kill are cancerous.

Bob Hope: "Professor, did you plant the bomb in the embassy like I told you?"

Jerry Colonna: "Embassy? Great Scott, I thought you said NBC!"

ERA, the Equal Rights Amendment baring gender discrimination, didn't pass in the United States, but Article 12 of the new Iraqi constitution states that "All Iraqis are equal in their rights without regard to gender, sect, opinion, belief, nationality, religion, or origin, and they are equal before the law." And forget the second amendment to the US constitution. Article 17, in its entirety, states "It shall not be permitted to possess, bear, buy, or sell arms except on licensure issued in accordance with the law." For a superb article-by-article breakdown of the new Iraqi constitution, check this out.

Watch this spectacular movie and try to figure out what it's an ad for.

Inspired by the documentary Super Size Me, in which someone eats all his meals at McDonalds for a month and documents the deterioration of his body, this guy intends to get all his information from right-wing media over the next month and document the deterioration of his brain.

Anti-smoking activists are pressing Hollywood to give any movie an R-rating that shows someone smoking a cigarette.

Howard Stern rips Dubya a new one.

"I write because I can't do any of the following: paint, sculpt, sing, take photos, play an instrument, commute, wear a suit, remember appointments, return phone calls, work for a boss, concentrate in a meeting, serve food and drink, teach, or do anything else at all, really. Nor can I ever ignore the urge to try and get out what's in, however hard I try."
- Nick Hornby -

"If you misunderstand your mind, you are an ordinary mortal; if you understand your mind, you are a sage. In this it makes no difference whether you are a male or female, old or young, smart or simple."
- Jakushitsu -

"Seek refuge in the attitude of detachment and you will amass the wealth of spiritual awareness. Those who are motivated only by desire for the fruits of action are miserable, for they are constantly anxious about the results of what they do. When consciousness is unified, however, all vain anxiety is left behind. There is no cause for worry, whether things go well or ill."
- Bhagavad Gita -

"I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow."
- Woodrow Wilson -

"I was kidnapped. Tell the world it was a coup."
- Jean-Bertrand Aristide -

"He did not resign. He was abducted by the United States in the commission of a coup."
- Randall Robinson -

"Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant."
- Horace -

"We have significant concerns about the military's response to sexual assault in the combat zone. We have concerns that victims are not getting forensic exams. Evidence is not being collected in some cases, and they are not getting medical care and other services."
- Christine Hansen, quoted in Female GIs report rapes in Iraq war, 37 seek aid after alleging sex assaults by U.S. soldiers -

"Mud sometimes gives the illusion of depth."
- Marshall McLuhan -

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
- Mark Twain -

"In the name of religion, in the name of morality, in the name of nationality, people are torturing each other, killing each other. Beautiful names have been found for very pathological, insane things. Insanities are called 'nationalities.' Insanities are called 'moralities.' Beautiful labels on very ugly things."
- Osho -

"There cannot be too much of a correct theory."
- Ludwig von Mises -

"Be wiser than other people, if you can, but do not tell them so."
- Lord Chesterfield -

"I believe that to meet the challenge of the next century, human beings will have to develop a greater sense of universal responsibility. Each of us must learn to work not just for his or her own self, family or nation, but for the benefit of all mankind."
- His Holiness the Dalai Lama -

"The New York Times reports that Bush spent hours helping to put together political ads showing the Twin Towers smoldering in the aftermath of the September 11 attacks. Since 'the day that changed everything' is supposedly the reason for all Bush's steadiness, you might expect that his record on September 11 would be paragon of single mindedness. But you know the drill by now. First he was against forming an independent commission to investigate. Then he was for the commission. Once the commission was formed, he fought tooth and nail to keep them from seeing the pertinent records, but he insists he is cooperating fully. He doesn't think he should talk to the commission for more than an hour. In other words, Bush is willing to give the commission investigating the key tragedy that occurred on his watch only a fraction of the time he gave his ad men to create the images he is using to exploit it."
- The Daily Brew -

"It is better for my enemy to see good in me than for me to see evil in him." 
- Yiddish proverb -

"If you are all wrapped up in yourself, you are overdressed."
- Kate Halverson -

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." 
- Erma Bombeck -

"Experience is what allows us to repeat our mistakes, only with more finesse!"
- Derwood Fincher -

"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
- Howard Aiken -

"I'm looking forward to looking back on all this."
- Sandra Knell -

"The fool thinks he has won a battle
when he bullies with harsh speech,
but knowing how to be forbearing
alone makes one victorious."
- Buddha: Samyutta Nikaya I, 163 -

"To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart."
- Donald Laird -

"Nothing to hold on to,
Nothing to let go of,
Nothing to dissolve."
- Ashtavakra Gita 6:2 -

"Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night."
- Philip K. Dick -

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."
- Andy Warhol -

"Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy."
- Janet Long -

"If I had my life to live over... I'd dare to make more mistakes next time."
- Nadine Stair -

"Without envy, the world could not abide, for none would marry or build a house."
- Midrash Tehillim -

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own." 
- Scoop Nisker -

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle."
- Craig Kilborn -

"For having traffic with thyself alone,
Thou of thyself thy sweet self dost deceive.
Then how, when nature calls thee to be gone,
What acceptable audit canst thou leave?"
- William Shakespeare: Sonnet 4 -

"Fight for your opinions, but do not believe that they contain the whole truth, or the only truth."
- Charles A. Dana -

"Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it."
- Cullen Hightower -

"True religion is the life we live, not the creed we profess."
- J.F. Wright -

"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -

"Once a man has committed a sin once and then a second time...it [appears to him that it] is permitted."
- Babylonian Talmud, Yoma 86b -

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."
- Janis Joplin -

"The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work."
- Richard Bach -

"The only joy in the world is to begin." 
- Cesare Pavese -

I'm afraid I must insist you check out John Cleese's new site. 

Actual video of George W. Bush being honest.

The phone rang and it was ABC news asking me to participate in a poll. Yep, I'm one of the 1,202 randomly selected people who answered these questions. It's fun to read a poll you participated in, especially when the numbers are low. I'm one of only six people who thought Kerry's politics were "too conservative."

The Berkeley Springs International Water Tasting Awards has decided that the best municipal water on earth is in Desert Hot Springs, which means the water coming out of my tap is better than the bottled water you're paying an arm and a leg for. Nyah nyah.

This is an excellent page of Hollywood/film biz links.

• In the Eyes of the Law, I'm a Criminal by Montel Williams and Lawrence Grobel
• Why I'm Not a Terrorist
• My Candidate: John Buchanan: Bush's GOP Challenger Detained by US Secret Service
• Republican Zen Bastard: Meet the Republican who will Challenge Bush by Paul Krassner
• Zen Bastard: Predictions for 2004 by Paul Krassner
• Making the Yoke Obsolete
• Good News/Bad News about Saddam's Capture
• Zen Bastard: Blowjobs, Ballet, Baggies - the parts left out of the Reagan movie by Paul Krassner
• Tips on Junk Calls by Ken Rubin
• The Worst Commercial on Television
• Marketing Ploys from Hell
• Zen Bastard: Threats Against the President by Paul Krassner
• The Bush/Nazi Connection: Journalist John Buchanan gets targeted
• Why Schwarzenegger Gropes
• Issue #1 of the Hollywood Free Press
• Me and Monty Python
• Special 9/11 "Don't Take My Word for It"
• Zen Bastard: Who's Need to Know? by Paul Krassner
• Equal Time with Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot (An Other Triumph For George W. And You Cannot Prove Those Are My Baboon Noses So Stop Saying That!!)
• Mordechai Vanunu: The Prisoner of Zion by Mary La Rosa
• Equal Time with Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot (I Am Not Fair and Balanced and I Am Not A Sissy For Having A George W. Bush Doll So Stop Saying That!!)
• Bob Hope's Last Monologue from Heaven by Lynette Sheffield
• Inside/Outside #1: The Riddicks vs. Judge Burrell by Billy Hayes
• The California Choice
• Why I'm Against Gay Marriage
• Creation Science Fair Proves God Exists by Tom Norris
• What Would Jesus Do About Cramps? by Nancy Cain
• Summer Reading or Harry Potter vs. What's-His-Face
• Scumbags of the Week - Letter to the RIAA
• Hello Mullah, Hello Fatwah
• The Israeli Wall
• Dream Job or How Disinfotainment Today Almost Came Out in Print
• Celebrities vs. the United States Government
• Test of the National Homeland Reconciliation and Healing System
• The Still Missing Artifacts
• Why Bush is Nothing Like Hitler
• Tim Robbins' Speech to theNational Press Club
• Randy Newman's "Follow the Flag"
• How I would Re-Write the Bill of Rights by Satan
• I Didn't See the News Today, Oh Boy
• Global Voice by Jim Channon
• Daniel Ellsberg's Review of the Made-for-TV Movie The Pentagon Papers
• The Lemon Pledge of Allegiance
• U.S. Diplomat's Letter of Resignation
• Message from Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
• Obfuscation of the Week: Who grows the most opium? We do.
• Urgent Plea for Assistance from George W. Bush
• How I Got the Rights to Tom Robbins' Another Roadside Attraction
• Please Help the FBI Find These People
• The Adventures of Xarvon: Alien Investigator
• The Under-Reported Story of the Year - Margie Schoedinger vs. George W. Bush
• Why I'm Optimistic About the Future by Paul Krassner
• Booze (A movie I'd like to see)
• Hope (after the election)
• The Empty Boat by Chuang Tzu
• Special Halloween/Election Issue
• What's Wrong with Leonard Maltin?
• Forwarded E-mail from Satan
• A Letter from Tom Robbins
• Good Thing/Bad Thing - American Foreign Policy
• The Ultimate Politically Correct Flag and Pledge of Allegiance
• A Letter from Paul Krassner
• The History of Denials

Don't Let This Happen to You
Subscribe.