SPIKE and PERCIVAL are looking out the window at other dogs walking by. Spike is a street-smart bulldog who was raised in the pound and acts like ARCHIE BUNKER. Percival is a pedigree greyhound who was raised in luxury and acts like THE BUTLER in ARTHUR.

PERCIVAL
My goodness, look at the hindquarters of that Collie. What a fine specimen.

SPIKE
Did you ever try to talk to a collie? They all think they’re Lassie. Always trying to save somebody from something. They’re arrogant and self-righteous.

PERCIVAL
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. What an elitist thing to say. How many Collies have you met?

SPIKE
Actually only one, she was in the pound for about three minutes, but I got her number.

PERCIVAL
Only one? And from that you extrapolate that all Collies think they’re Lassie? I suppose all Beagles think they’re Snoopy and all Saint Bernards think they’re Beethoven?

SPIKE
That’s right. And Dalmatians! When’s the last time you had an intelligent conversation with a Dalmatian? Not since that movie came out.

PERCIVAL
What movie?

SPIKE
What movie? You can’t think of a movie with Dalmatians in the title?

PERCIVAL
I’m sorry, I guess I don’t pay as much attention to popular culture as you obviously do. I prefer the classics.

SPIKE
Like what?

PERCIVAL
Dog Day Afternoon.

SPIKE
Pacino was pretty good in that. Hey, how about Reservoir Dogs?

PERCIVAL
Derivative and over-rated.

SPIKE
(sarcastically)
Derivative and over-rated. You’re such a wuss. You wouldn’t last a day in the pound. That Chihuahua gang would eat you alive.

PERCIVAL
Oh yes, I’m so impressed by the fact that you’ve done time in the pound. I’ll never understand how someone with my pedigree could end up here with you.

SPIKE
Blame it on the humans. They’re so weird. How come they don’t lick themselves?

PERCIVAL
Because they can’t.

SPIKE
Oh.

Percival looks back out the window

PERCIVAL
What I wouldn’t give to spend the afternoon with a nice Irish Setter.

SPIKE
Are you kidding me? Irish Setters are idiots. I knew an Irish Setter who chewed off three of his legs and was still caught in the trap.

PERCIVAL
That’s disgusting.

SPIKE
You’re telling me. They should send all them Irish Setters back to Ireland.

PERCIVAL
Brilliant. While we’re at it, why don’t we send all German Shepherds back to Germany.

SPIKE
Good idea. And send all Shih-Tzus back to... Say, where do Shih-Tzus come from.

PERCIVAL
I believe they’re from China.

SPIKE
Good. Send ‘em back to China I say. Who needs ‘em.

PERCIVAL
What about Boxers?

SPIKE
Put ‘em back in a box.

PERCIVAL
Spike, aren’t you a boxer?

SPIKE
Now who’s ignorant? I’m a bulldog. A bulldog.

PERCIVAL
Perhaps that’s why everything you say is full of such...

SPIKE
Don’t say it. I’m warning you. I still got friends in the Chihuahua gang.