The Los Angeles Free Press Prototype#1

I Was There and You Weren't

The first in a series of firsthand experiences. No reporting of anything that the writer didn't personally witness.

The Californian Republican Convention
by Michael Dare

Oh yeah, it's safe to say I was there and you weren't. If I'd known taking on this position included attending a Republican convention, I'd still be in Seattle, basking in the mist, instead of valiantly stumbling into enemy territory for your amusement.

It was about 9AM, Saturday morning, September 8, when I was dropped off in front of this.

Water in the Desert

As soon as you enter the Renaissance Esmeralda Resort & Spa in Indian Wells, you walk down a grand staircase to a grand lobby where you discover the California Republican Party is to your left, which is just wrong. Maybe I was supposed to go down the stairs backwards.

Republican Swag

Like most conventions, it consists of lots of tables with people hawking their wares, everything from political candidates to software for political candidates, neatly arranged, a super little "Candidates Row" where you could pick up literature on Rudy, Mitt, Ron, Fred, and John. Someone smarter than me has got to explain the thinking behind Fred Thompson giving out jaw breakers and Dum-Dums, a decision both symbolically and calorically bankrupt. I skip the munchies and the chance to bid on a framed collection of autographed photos of every Republican president since Eisenhower and head straight to the press room where they mysteriously give me credentials to wander where I choose. The room is full of tables for the press to do our work, but it's empty so I presume there's somewhere else I must be. I bypass the bagels and cream cheese (Jewish Republicans?) and head out into enemy territory. I'm GOP shy and truly hope I don't have to talk to anyone.

The Autographs of Every President Since Nixon Except for Carter and Clinton

The schedule says at 9:30 there's a workshop called "Meet the Press" in the Emerald 6, which I go in search of. Turns out it's in another building, necessitating a long walk outside in the desert heat past all the swimming pools and restaurants. Good for me in my khakis and sport shirt, bad for the suited male and layered Barbara Bush wannabe Republicans who sweat up a storm, complaining in a huff that OTHER conventions are all in the same building and THEY don't make you walk outside in the withering heat past all these naked bodies.

Sidewalk of Death

"Meet the Press" turns out to be a seminar with some mainstream daily reporters on how news is covered. I never felt so much like a cornerstone when the first words out of anyone's mouth were "the cornerstone of democracy is a free press," a cornerstone I wanted to drop on his head when he referred to CNN as the Clinton News Network. It was a barrage of information: you've got to engage the whole stream of media, talk to everybody, print vs. internet, everything's changing and no one knows how it's going to play out. Media is in competition for our time and everybody screens out everything that contradicts what they already think.

I already think objectivity is impossible and got a good chortle when someone from the San Francisco Chronicle said "We in the mainstream media have no cause and aren't even supposed to cheer our team from the press box when covering sports." They don't print anything that's not "provable to the standards of responsible journalism." The Chronicle just laid off 80 reporters, 25% of its staff, despite the fact that "readers benefit from multiple points of view," so we'll see how that goes.

It's all surprisingly rational as they discuss the difference between "reporting" and "journalism" while delivering the bombshell news that polls are suffering from the dropping number of telephonic landlines. Nobody on cell phones is ever polled, which is definitely skewing the numbers towards technophobes and illiterates. Poll results are entirely dependent upon the technology used. Conduct a poll using nothing but text messaging and Ron Paul is the clear Republican winner, not necessarily because he's the top choice but because McCain supporters haven't figured out how to text message yet.

They discussed the Democratic candidates and seemed resigned to Hillary who is running a "flawless campaign" while Obama doesn't have enough ground troops.

What's the difference between Dems and Repugs? "Democrats like all their choices, but Republicans think the one they like can't win and the ones that can win they don't like," whatever that means.

The first question from the audience is a doozy. "We don't buy your newspapers because we don't trust you." Major applause. "How come reporters don't stand up when we recite the pledge of allegiance?"

"We certainly do pledge our allegiance to the flag," came the indignant reply. Apparently we can disagree as long as we're not disagreeable. I'm nothing if not disagreeable. I walked up to the host afterwards and introduced myself. "I'm glad we had a weapons check at the door," I was told. Interesting. There WAS no weapons check at the door. Republican humor. Har dee har har.

I had a question. According to the Riverside County Registrar of Voters, in 2002 the Republican Party blanketed the county with voter registration tables in front of supermarkets and K-Marts. The registrars were paid $5 for every Republican registered, and every Democratic registration was simply thrown away. Hundreds of Democrats showed up at polling places on election day only to discover they couldn't vote because they weren't registered. Does the Republican Party plan on using this tactic again in the 2008 election? It went unasked because I'm attached to my skin.

Repug Books (Yes, that's Help! Mom! There's a Liberal Under My Bed)

I had an hour to blow before the big luncheon with John McCain so I headed back to the press room. All the bagels were gone. Shit. Trying to find some cheap food at the Renaissance Esmeralda is like trying to find another male with a ponytail. My only hope is to weasel my way into some private function with a buffet, like "the Hospitality Suite of Assembly Republican Leader Mike Villines, hosted by Fresno County's Gals of the Party," which promises the music of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, & Sammy Davis Jr., with a "full bar and more." Will there be cheese dip at the reception for "Republican Women Interested in a Career in Politics?" Dare I miss the 5th Annual Ice Cream Social presented by the Asian American Republican Council of California? Will they serve Steven Colbert's Americone Dream? I opt for The Lincoln Club of Coachella Valley and the Desert Republican Coordinating Council and their special guest Mary Bono who's flyer cordially invites me to "A taste of our Southern California Heritage," but it's not till 5. What to do till then?

I walk back through the beating sun to the other building, taking a good look at the opulence of the resort, noticing for the first time the artificial waterfall behind the bar surrounded by the swimming pool, sending a mist across the pool that would sure feel good if I took off my clothes and swam to it. It was, at the very least, a picture, but there was something missing. There was nothing about it that screamed "Republican." I needed Fred Thompson in a thong lying on one of the empty lounges. I looked around and spotted a Ron Paul sign leaning against a wall. Perfect. I set it up under a palm tree and took my shot.

Walking past the waterfall on the sidewalk of death

"Hey, what are you doing with our sign?" shouted some people sitting in the outdoor patio of the restaurant facing the pools. I explained and they agreed the sign looked better where I put it. I looked at their oversized Bloody Marys. I looked at the convention hall. I looked back towards the lobby. "You guys mind if I join you?" I asked.

And so I spent a lovely hour schmoozing with the Ron Paul brigade. Can words contain the amazement I felt at the stunning discovery we agreed on absolutely every issue we discussed? I don't think so. What would the old readers of the Free Press, the ultimate bastion of the left wing liberal press, think about my actually considering supporting a Republican for president? Here's a good old-fashioned civil libertarian who wants to abolish the IRS and the DEA, cancel the Patriot Act, opposes NAFTA, has never voted to raise Congressional pay or increase the power of the executive branch, never taken a government-paid junket, and is against regulating the internet. His Iraqi withdrawal policy? We leave. Tomorrow. What's not to like except the rest of his party, who treat people with Ron Paul buttons like they've got the plague.

Shmoozing with the Ron Paul Brigade
(Drew Alexander, Tavia Cantarini, Kevin Brondie, & Michael Dare)

We had a jolly time making fun of the sweaty people walking by while discussing the intricacies of Paul's philosophy. Paul sees medical marijuana as a states rights issue, but there's a catch. He's devoted to reducing the size of the federal government and feels there's nothing wrong with California's drug laws so the feds should just butt out, but similarly he believes that if Idaho wants to make abortion illegal, there's nothing wrong with that too and the feds should butt out. It would seem that according to Paul, if you're against drug prohibition, you've also got to be against Roe v. Wade. If you see everything as a state's rights issue, step one is getting the federal government out of the issue altogether, then letting the states do what they want. As a firm believer in women's, or anybody's right to choose the specifics of their health care, I've got to admire anybody with the brainpower to get me to reconsider Roe v. Wade even momentarily. Am I willing to trade patient's rights in California for patient's rights in North Dakota? It would seem so because I can't imagine any other candidate so devoted to personal freedom. Freedom of the person is even more important than freedom of the press.

I did not want to watch John McCain give a speech, especially if he was right in front of me, but if I didn't, the story would have been how I ignored my duties to party with sane people.

I skedaddled to the luncheon, hung in the lobby a bit, then walked to the door.

"Press? Not here. Next door."

I walked to the next door.

"Press? Not here. Next door."

The Press Table
10 laptop computers and one journal

I headed down a hallway, turned a corner, and saw another hallway full of closed doors. I picked one and was led to the press table in back. Was I the only one without a laptop, taking notes in a paperback journal? You could say that if you were devoted to the truth, no matter how ridiculous it made you look.

Holy crap, these are the rightest of the right. I'm in the corner seat, the one with the greatest perspective other than about two feet off the ground. I mean you tell me which of these shots are better. Probably the one where I was told "Please, sir, don't stand on the furniture." And that's why I still hate Republicans, because of their intolerant attitude towards artistic expression. Other than that they're cool, especially the ones who share their food and drink with the press in back, of whom there are none.

Speaker after speaker, lists of names of contributors, applause, more names, a prayer, an amen, someone simply says the word McCain and gets applause. Everyone in the press types away while I scribble. Another guy walks by with a pad. Someone else who takes notes. I'm astonished. He's just returned from the front where he actually watched John McCain shove food in his mouth. "When the Senator eats the rubber chicken, you know the candidate is in trouble," he tells me.

Chicken? They're eating chicken? If there's something to be said about skipping breakfast and sitting in the back of a room watching hundreds of people eat chicken while worrying about whether you've got enough food stamps to feed your kid till the end of the month, I'm sure I'll think of it.

The lights went down and now was the time, the Pledge of Allegiance, everyone stood, yes, even the entire row of press, but there was this one Oriental guy who did NOT put his hand over his heart nor make a pledge to anything but his Blackberry. With liberty and justice for all, we were treated to a documentary on the life of John McCain, and like him or not, he's got a compelling tale, full of courage, faith in God, bayonettings, prison, explosions on flight decks, devotion to duty, the Hanoi Hilton, the guard who loosened his ropes because he was a fellow Christian, a thoroughly professional piece of political propaganda, a fanfare, the lights come up, the crowd applauds, a man steps to the podium, the crowd almost stands till they realize it's not John McCain but a guy introducing him (which is something the film did just fine, so John, baby, forget the shlub from now on and come out right after the film, okay?).

And somebody walks in front of the press table giving us all copies of the speech we're about to hear. Oh good, I can leave, but I don't.

View from the starving press in back

He stands in front of 10 American flags. He begins with "preliminary" remarks that aren't on the page. An amusing anecdote about his mother, who is 95. It seems she was visiting somewhere just yesterday and they wouldn't rent her a car because she was too old, so she bought one. This hideous slice of conspicuous consumption made me want to retch but it brought the house down. Har dee har har. How clever of her to have thought of just buying a car in that situation. Why I would have done the same thing.

Somewhere in his first paragraph McCain called the man he considers to be the current president "a good and decent man," and he lost me now and forever. They must have rewritten the dictionary since I last looked. I've seen good. I've experienced decent. But not from the White House in the Bush years.

Oh Christ he's only finished the second paragraph and there are three pages of fear pushing, warmongering rhetoric left that they're eating up like, well, chicken. He mentions Reagan, the man who set the loonies free and single-handedly created the entire homeless problem in Los Angeles, and they act like Oprah just gave them a car.

I sat through an entire John McCain speech. Guess which one of us deserves a medal.

I hung out and watched the crowd dissipate till a lady with a clipboard came up to me and said "Sir, would you like to attend the press conference?" I looked around and noticed the rest of the press had split. Silly me. Sure. Press conference. Why not?

I was led down a hall to a door to another hall where McCain stood surrounded by a dozen video cameramen and reporters and photographers who had cameras looking quite different from my tacky Fujifilm QuickSnap. The closer I got to the Senator, the more disapproving glares I got from what I can only assume were Secret Service honchos and suddenly I was sweating, boy did they have their eyes on me. I felt like a gang banger driving through Beverly Hills, paranoia rising, my radar alarms at four, hands, where are your hands, keep 'em showing, no sudden moves, Christ, my right hand is holding what is clearly a cheap drugstore camera but my left, shit, my left is in my pocket, the security cameras must be zooming in on it right now so I slowly, ever so slowly take my hand out of my pocket and put it on my chest, clearly empty, there, you see, just a hand, no reason to get excited, you can let me escape the room whose size is rapidly decreasing, pulse pounding, why did I agree to do this.

I snapped this shot and split back to the press room but all the bagels were gone, which is another reason I hate Republicans, they're closet Jews who hide all the cream cheese that is the birthright of my race. The press room was sort of creepy - the place where the politicos chum it up with their minions in the press, planting stories, everyone's pals, they know the same people. I was totally distressed till they brought in food. I stuffed myself till I could hear my mother's voice saying "You're filling up on chips and dip?"

So I mingled some more, finding not only the Minutemen and Californians for a Fair Gambling Policy but the mysterious presence of the Armenian National Committee and the California League of Off-Road Voters, who should definitely join forces as Serbs on Quads. One vender who worked both sides of the fence told me "the Republican conventions are all plaques and jewelry while the Democratic conventions were all T-shirts and bumperstickers."

I no longer had to keep reminding myself this was hell. It was five and time to eat with Mary Bono, a premiere putz I've proudly voted against at every opportunity. The Crystal Room, a Mexican duo, harp and guitar, not enough chairs, an open bar with a long line, quesadilla, mozzarella balls, dozens of pickalittletalkalittle ladies just thrilled as Mary entered the room and smiled at me, skinnier than I thought, almost frail, all in white, sandals, no ass, good looking, highlights in her hair, surrounded by admirers, shiny foreheads, too much jewelry, red polo shirts, blue coats, then she stepped to the mike and unloaded a steaming heap of garbage that made Ann Coulter look like Hillary Clinton. I wrapped some quesadilla in a napkin for my son, stuck it in my complimentary California Republican Party bag and I was out of there.

Oh no, Bono!

Not knowing how long I'd be waiting for a bus, I headed to the bathroom first. In keeping with Republican tradition, I offered to blow a black guy at the urinal next to mine. He turned out to be Secret Service so all I got was a good frisking that made me glad I left my portobong at home. It felt good to have a man's hands on my body. Hey, you get your thrills where you can.

Publisher Steven M. Finger Editor Michael Dare Guru Art Kunkin Den Mother Debbie Finger credits credits credits Cover Photo by Captain Gas OUR CONTRIBUTORS Art Kunkin changed the face of journalism in America when he published the first LA Free Press in 1965. From Wikipedia: This newspaper was notable for its radical politics when such views rarely saw print. This was a new kind of journalism at that time. People were tired of “The Big Lie” and the way ‘news’ was being brought to them, edited as to tell the story of how well our government was working in their behalf. The Los Angeles Free Press saw itself as an advocate of personal freedom as well as a vehicle to aid in the anti-war Vietnam publication. With its readership, particularly readers ready to sit, march, and sing, The Los Angeles Free Press is given some degree of credit for the ending of the Vietnam War. Its coverage and how it became a touchstone for the activists both everyday and celebrity. The Los Angeles Free Press wrote about and was often directly involved in the major historic issues and people of the 60's & 70's such as the Chicago 7 Trial, Timothy Leary, Allen Ginsberg and Abbie Hoffman. Both the famous and the infamous would open up to the Los Angeles Free Press from Bob Dylan, to the Black Panthers, to Jim Morrison to Iceberg Slim. People were willing to pay twenty-five cents for the Los Angeles free Press even though you could get the LA Times for ten cents back then. The cry at the corner was ‘Don’t be a Creep, Buy a Freep!’ The scene was ‘so LA’ that in the movie ‘Alice B. Toklas, I Love You’, Peter Sellers (when he sees the light and converts from lawyer to hippie) is hawking them, as well. The paper also pioneered the emerging field of underground comics by publishing the “underground” political cartoons of Ron Cobb. The Los Angeles Free Press was a founding member of the Underground Press Syndicate. It was the impetus for a network of 600 community, student and alternative newspapers throughout the United States Author Charles Bukowski wrote the column "Notes of A Dirty Old Man" for the Los Angeles Free Press beginning in 1969. Art currently lives in Joshua Tree where he continues his research into alchemy and life extension. Let's hope it works. Michael Dare started his career in journalism as film critic for the LA Weekly and video critic for Billboard and Movieline Magazines. His work has appeared in The Los Angeles Times, The Desert Sun, Daily Variety, New Times, Interview, The National Lampoon, Film Threat, L.A. Style, Parenting Magazine, and the Santa Monica Bay News. He was an assignment editor for the book A Day in the Life of Hollywood (Collins Publishers) a writer/interviewer for Movie Talk from the Frontlines (McFarland Publishers), and his short story How to Write Like Tom Robbins was published in The Spirit of Writing (Tarcher/Putnam). His TV work includes "Steven Spielberg presents Animaniacs" and the Warner Brother's cartoon Histeria! He co-produced the hit CBS movie-of-the-week The Bachelor's Baby, which was based upon his autobiographical book Here Comes the Son. (Scott Bakula played him because they couldn't find anyone as good looking). His video Contemporary Extemporary won Video Review Magazine's First Annual Award for Best Home Video Ever Made, and his latest, Angel Food, has been shown at the Denver, Boston, and USA Film Festival in Dallas, Texas. He is a member of the WGA, the MPAA, and the Los Angeles Film Critics Association. Thanks to some bad advice he got from Paul Krassner, for the past five years he has been writing, editing, and publishing the online newspaper Disinfotainment Today, which can be found at dareland.com. He is currently homeless and on welfare and food stamps. Paul Krassner also changed the face of journalism in America when he published The Realist in 1958. From Wikipedia: Krassner was a child violin prodigy (and was the youngest person ever to play Carnegie Hall, in 1939 at age six), but his career took a different turn in the 1950s when he became an important figure in many aspects of politically edged humor and satire in the U.S. Krassner was a founder of the Youth International Party (Yippies) in 1967, and a member of Ken Kesey's Merry Pranksters, famous for prankster activism. He was a close protege of the controversial comedian Lenny Bruce, and the editor of Bruce's autobiography. He also worked on early issues of Mad Magazine. The Realist was published on a fairly regular schedule during the 1960s, then on an irregular schedule after the early 1970s. In 1966, Krassner published The Realist's controversial "Disneyland Memorial Orgy" poster, illustrated by Wally Wood, and he recently made this famed black-and-white poster available in a digital color version. The Realist also distributed a red, white, and blue parody Cold War bumper sticker that read "FUCK COMMUNISM". Perhaps Krassner's most notorious satire was an article following the Kennedy assassination that depicted LBJ sexually assaulting JFK's corpse. Krassner revived it as a much smaller newsletter during the mid-1980s when material from the magazine was collected in The Best of the Realist: The 60's Most Outrageously Irreverent Magazine (Running Press, 1985). The final issue of The Realist was #146 (Spring, 2001). Paul Krassner is the only person to win awards from both Playboy magazine (for satire) and the Feminist Party Media Workshop (for journalism). He was inducted into the Counterculture Hall of Fame at the Cannabis Cup in Amsterdam, received an ACLU Uppie (Upton Sinclair) Award for dedication to freedom of expression, and, according to some sources, was described by the FBI as "a raving, unconfined nut." In 2005 he received a Grammy nomination for Best Album Notes for his essay on the 6-CD package Lenny Bruce: Let the Buyer Beware. Krassner remains a prolific writer and lecturer. He has been a frequent speaker at both the Starwood Festival [1]^[2] and the WinterStar Symposium.^[3]^[4] Currently, he is a columnist for Disinfotainment Today, AVN Online, and High Times Magazine, and a contributing blogger at The Huffington Post. He was featured at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame with Wavy Gravy during their exhibit entitled I Want to Take You Higher: The Psychedelic Era 1965-1969 [2]. He often appears as a stand-up comedian, and he was among those featured in the 2005 documentary The Aristocrats (film). Phil Proctor is a founding member of the Firesign Theatre, makers of several of the greatest comedy albums of all time, including Don't Crush that Dwarf, Hand me the Pliers, and I think We're All Bozos on this Bus. He currently publishes Planet Proctor, and his voice-over work includes Howie in Rugrats and the drunk monkey in Dr. Doolittle. David Brice (catboxer) is the blogmaster for the LA Free Press. Kent Daniel Bentkowski is a blogger out of Buffalo, New York who believes "Dissent IS patriotic, and as such, I am exercising my 1st amendment right of 'free speech' in this '2nd American revolution' to save the U.S. Constitution. Dr. Lawrence Britt is a political scientist whose novel, June, 2004, depicts a future America dominated by right-wing extremists. Captain Gas now has a regular job, but back in the days, hoo boy. Editor's Blather Dear readers, This is a free press. A free press is for free expression of ideas, unfiltered by the hidden agenda of the part of mainstream media functioning as the propaganda arm of the current administration. A free press has no rules other than those it intends on breaking. My boss is you, the reader. That's why I occasionally burden you with my personal life, to prove my unfettered honesty and sincere devotion to truth in media and in person, no matter how outlandish or controversial. I am, however, a prankster, and some pranks only work with a straight face, so let me rephrase that. I'm not lying to you except when I am writing fiction, which I do quite often, maybe even now. This isn't some character I've invented. This is me talking. If I were lying to you, why would I admit to such embarrassing and delusional things about myself. I'm as fucked up as everyone, maybe even more so, and perhaps if I just admit it up front, you'll believe me when I tell you other stuff too, like the body counts are wrong or there's been a mistranslation. I wasn't there. I don't KNOW these things. All I know is these news items are available, I find them interesting, and assuming you're as smart, sophisticated, and debonair as I am, you'll find them interesting too. I am the opposite of Rupert Murdoch. Rupert Murdoch makes up your mind for you and then presents only the facts and points of view that validate his decision, forcing you to come to his conclusion. I do everything in my power to force you to come to your own conclusions about everything, to give up preconceptions of truth, no matter how longheld, forcing you to confront the obvious, that everything you know just might be wrong. That's the difference between a free press and propaganda. I knew Colin Powell was lying the second he stepped onto the podium at the UN. How come it took the mainstream media two years to report that fact? They had access to the same material I did, unless they were incapable of typing "yellowcake" into Google. My lie detector is always on full. You can trust me because I cannot and will not do what I'm told, not by the tenets of any religious faith, not by the Republicratic Party, not by TV, film, or media. I will, however, believe some things more than other things, based upon the slightest shred of actual scientific evidence. I don't believe things just because they can't be disproved. I also disapprove of things simply because other people believe them. The wide range of wacko belief systems on earth are a primary source of amusement on this lonely planet, and I intend on amusing you. Come to the Free Press for thinking outside the box and the wrapping the box came in, where journalism has no rules and free thinking reigns supreme. This is the way I write. An editor would wreak havoc with it. I want to see the way you write. I am leading by example. I will edit you the same way I edit myself. Go ahead, express yourself. See if I care. I suggested that the only way to sabotage a free press is to construct any obstacles to free expression of new ideas. That being said, I do have to decide what goes in the paper each week. If I didn't leave some stuff out, the Free Press would be the size of a phone book. I take the word "alternative" very seriously in that I personally have no alternative to behaving the way I do and believing what I believe. I promise I won't print anything I don't think you need to know, and I'll never lie to you except when I'm making shit up. As the new editor of the Free Press, I'll not only be asking myself What would Art Kunkin do but What would Paul Krassner do, what would Larry Flynt do, What would Jay Levin do, What would Hunter Thompson do, What would Mark Twain do, What would the Dalai Lama do, What would Tom Lehrer do, What would John Stewart do, What would George Carlin do, What would Monty Python do, what would Michael Dare do, and then do the opposite. You can help us put this paper out. The Los Angeles Free Press would like to know your answers to the following questions, (which are followed by my answers just to get you going). Please don't answer the way I did. This is serious. WHAT was the LA Free Press? YOUR impression what do YOU remember it looked like, what KIND of stories features, etc. did it present, what made it unique, desirable, what role did it fulfill?) The LA Free Press started out as the publication of the Birdcage Manufacturers of America, offering free lining to their birdcages with pointless political rhetoric nobody was supposed to read. Several homeless macaw owners banded together to free the Free Press from its cages, changing what was once an official bird crap collector to the premiere alternative newspaper in America. Do today's alt weeklies do this? Does it matter? Is what the LA Freep did even now needed? Alternative newspapers like the Village Voice and the LA Weekly are pulling up the slack left behind by the Free Press and are now found in some of the best birdcages in America. What do you think an alternative press needs to provide today? More absorbency. What TYPE of story do you think is most important to the alt reader - political, cause related, investigative, opinionated, or satirical? No big words and simple diagrams. Are blogs the alternative press of today? Blogs are only the alternatives to the opinion pages of the press today, for people who like their news in reverse chronological order. The LA Free Press will be an alternative to absolutely everything, including itself. WHO (what demographic) do you think READS the alt weekly ARTICLES? Alt Weekly articles are only read by nurses to their patients whose eyes are going bad. Do you think they are JUST as likely to read those same articles online or do they really WANT a print version? Since putting your laptop computer in the bottom of your birdcage is a very bad idea, print is the only way to go. Which is preferable to YOU, an article or a blog? Both suck. I'd rather watch The Daily Show. Why? It precedes The Colbert Report. WHAT can the LA Free Press be that other alt weeklies are not? Edited by me. Is having a newspaper (in hand) PREFERABLE to reading an article online, or it really doesnt matter? The worst thing about Daily Kos is you can't read it in the bathroom. For everyone on a high fiber diet, print's the way to go, and the only proper use for what's in currently in newsprint. Send your answers to stevenmfinger@losangelesfreepress.com.	The Los Angeles Free Press is brought to you by YOU! Then again you can just Senator Larry Craig, not only for the opening statement at his press conference - Thank you all very much for coming out today - but also for his silly rationalization that when he tap-danced on the shoe of an undercover cop in the adjoining stall, it was only because of his own wide stance, thereby breaking Rose Mary Woods excuse record. She testified that, while transcribing Richard Nixon's tape, she answered a phone call, but when reaching for the stop button on the recorder, she mistakenly hit the record button next to it, [unnecessarily] keeping her foot on the pedal, resulting in the infamous 18-1/2-minute gap. When asked to replicate that position, her extremely awkward posture caused political pundits to question the validity of her explanation. Senator John Kerry, for not ridiculing George Bush's 180-degree turnaround concerning the comparison between the Vietnam and Iraq wars by labeling the president a flip-flopper. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, for championship pandering. Although he now wants to overturn Roe vs. Wade, when he was running for the Senate in 1994, he came out in favor of choice for women. He admitted to Mormon feminist Judith Dushku that the Brethren in Salt Lake City told him that he could take that position, and that in fact he probably had to, in order to win in a liberal state like Massachusetts. Great Assholes of the Past: The Sunday School teacher who advised one of his students to write on his penis, What would Jesus do? Presumably, Jerk off was not considered to be the correct answer. Paul Krassner is the author of One Hand Jerking: Reports From an Investigative Satirist, and publisher of the Disneyland Memorial Orgy poster, both available at paulkrassner.com. BANNER ADS Cut these out and paste them in your website. Musical News Britney, Lindsay and Paris to the tune of Abraham, Martin and John Has anybody here seen my old friend Britney? Can you tell me where she's gone? She flashed a lot of people, But it seems the young shave good. You know, I just looked around and she's gone. Anybody here seen my old friend Lindsay? Can you tell me where she's gone? She flashed a lot of people, But it seems the young drive drunk. I just looked 'round and she's gone. Anybody here seen my old friend Paris? Can you tell me where she's gone? She flashed a lot of people, But it seems the rich live hard. I just looked around and she's gone. Didn't you love the things that they showed you? Didn't they expose themselves for you and me? And we'll be free too Some day soon, and it's a-gonna be one day... Anybody here seen my old friend Nicole? Can you tell me where she's gone? I thought I saw her checking into rehab, With Britney, Lindsay and Paris. Passing the Buck from The Daily Brew Given their catastrophic performance in Iraq, it is kind of bizarre to realize that for forty years the one issue that Republicans could always count on in national elections has been national security. Every single Republican since World War Two has run on national security, and every single one who managed to win can thank the issue for their time in the Oval Office. It is, without question, their bread and butter play. Sadly, no matter how badly they've botched the job, nothing has ever seemed to shake American's faith that the Republicans are the party best able to defend the Country. Until now. Which is why the Republicans can't lose the war in Iraq. An observer might argue that the Republicans have already lost the Iraq war. But as weird as it seems, the war the Republicans are fighting isn't in Iraq, and it never has been. The war the Republicans are fighting is here in America, and it is for the minds of the American public. Republicans are fighting this war as though their lives depended on the outcome, because it does. The reality is that the Republicans told the American public a pack of lies to start an aggressive and illegal war of choice. Then they botched the job in every way imaginable, making sure that what was already likely to be a disaster would certainly become one. Now they are deliberately prolonging their folly, jacking up the costs in blood and treasure, all in a desperate effort to avoid paying the political price for admitting their failure. A moment's reflection makes it perfectly clear why. The Republican Party can survive losing the war in Iraq. They cannot survive getting blamed for it. I posed this question to a few political operative friends of mine, at least two of whom are Republicans, at lunch. "If the idea that the Republicans cannot be trusted with matters of National Security hardens into conventional wisdom, how exactly does the Republican Party ever win another national election?" There was no dissent. If the Republicans lose their edge on national security, the federal government is going to look like it did during the Roosevelt era for a decade, maybe two. Karl Rove Republicans know this. They realize they cannot lose the war in Iraq and remain politically viable. They also realize that we are long past the time that anything that looks like a "victory" is going to be salvaged from the sands of Mesopotamia. So the battle is now over who is going to take the blame for the inevitable loss. And, as usual, the Republicans are playing three dimensional chess with lasers while the Democrats are pushing wooden checker pieces around the wrong board. Everything the White House does over the next sixteen months is not merely an attempt to pass the Iraq war onto Bush's successor. The larger strategic objective is to make sure that when Bush's successor inevitably withdraws the troops, the Republicans can then blame them for losing the war. Accordingly, for the next sixteen months, the Bush administration's sole goal is to provide the appearance that progress is being made in Iraq. As we have seen over the past two weeks, the facts on the ground in Iraq simply do not matter. Regardless of what actually happens in Iraq, right up until the moment Bush's Democratic successor is sworn into office, the Republican talking point is one word: Progress! Then, the moment a Democrat is sworn into office, it will change like a light switch. In fact, they might not even wait for the inauguration. More likely, as soon as it becomes apparent that the Republicans are going to lose the White House, they will start blaming the insurgent attacks and low morale of the troops on the coming Democratic takeover, before they even take office. If the Democratic leadership could look further than five minutes ahead, they wouldn't argue that the war is already lost (even though it is). They wouldn't argue that that the military isn't making any real progress in Iraq (even though they aren't). Nor would they argue that Bush and the Republicans are only prolonging the war so they can pass it on to Bush's successor (even though they are). Instead, Democrats should repeat into the camera at every single opportunity that the Bush administration's sole strategic objective in continuing the war in Iraq is to avoid being blamed for losing it. By putting it this way, even the American public will understand what is going on. And when the time comes to pay the political price for this awful mess, the Republicans won't be able to pass the bill on to someone else. Sign up to receive more from the brew here: http://brew.notifylist.com/thedailybrew.html
The Good News Last weekend was the 40th anniversary of the Summer of Love in San Francisco, a fitting place for the rebirth of the paper that started it all. View from the Crowd at the 40th Anniversary of the Summer of Love More Good News "In a landmark decision more than 30 years in the making, a federal judge Wednesday ruled the state can't build or maintain road culverts that hurt fish passage or diminish fish populations because that violates tribal treaty rights to fish. "The case has broad implications to spur the pace and increase the cost of state culvert repairs already under way around Western Washington. The ruling by U.S. District Judge Ricardo S. Martinez, expected to be appealed, could also lead tribes to seek other habitat protections." - Lynda V. Mapes, Seattle Times: Culvert Ruling Backs Tribes - New Texas Laws Take Effect Sept. 1 MARIJUANA: Police will have discretion to issue citations instead of arresting those in possession of four ounces or less of marijuana. The offender must live in the county where they are stopped and must not be considered a threat to public safety. - Texas Department of Public Safety: New Laws Senators Develop Balls "A second day of testimony by Gen. David H. Petraeus, the U.S. commander in Iraq, and Ambassador Ryan C. Crocker yielded some of the most biting GOP objections since the president announced his troop buildup in January. Several Republicans joined Democrats in saying that Petraeus's proposal to draw down troops through the middle of next summer would result only in force levels equivalent to where they stood before the increase began, about 130,000 troops. "Senator Richard Lugar (R-Ind.) told General Petraeus and Ambassador Crocker that due to deeply seated sectarian divisions, the U.S. is facing 'extraordinarily narrow margins for achieving our goals. Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) said that despite modest gains from the surge, 'this continues to be a disastrous foreign policy mistake.' "After meeting with Bush yesterday at the White House, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and Senate Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.) expressed similar dismay with the Petraeus plan... "Even Sen. Elizabeth Dole (R-N.C.), a mainstream conservative who has never publicly strayed from the administration's position on Iraq, made it clear that she would now support 'what some have called action-forcing measures.' "'The difficulty of the current American and Iraqi situation is rooted in large part in the Bush administration's substantial failure to understand the full implications of our military invasion and the litany of mistakes made at the outset of the war,' Dole said." - Michael Abramowitz and Jonathan Weisman: Bush to Endorse Petraeus Plan - Democrats, Some Republicans Seek a Faster Withdrawal - If you are unhappy in your current work situation here are some career changing ideas for you Horse Whisperer Tug Boat Captain Pro Bowler Ice Cream Man International Man of Mystery Karaoke DJ Pro Wrestler - Thank you Charles Bressler	The Bad News This newspaper has fallen into the hands of an ornery bastard who doesn't like anything, so good luck with those submissions. More Bad News The Wonderful World of Escalation "Russia tested the world's most powerful air-delivered vacuum bomb that generates a shockwave similar to a nuclear blast, the armed forces said, as the country moves to reassert its global military power. "The bomb is 'comparable to a nuclear weapon in its power and efficiency,' Alexander Rukshin, deputy chief of the Russian General Staff, said on state television yesterday. Unlike a nuclear bomb, it doesn't leave radioactive contamination, he added. "The weapon is four-times more powerful than the Massive Ordinance Air Blast bomb tested by the U.S. military and known as the 'Mother of All Bombs,' according to the report by broadcaster Perviy Kanal. This prompted the Russian designers to call their device 'the Father of All Bombs,'' it said. "Russia is reasserting its military power with a new intercontinental ballistic missile, upgrades to its air force and the expansion of its navy. It wants to counter the North Atlantic Treaty Organization's expansion in eastern Europe and U.S. plans to deploy anti-missile defense in the region. "The new weapon disperses a cloud of explosive material that is set off by a charge and produces 'an ultrasonic shockwave and an incredibly high temperature,' Perviy Kanal said on its Web site. After the blast, 'the soil looks like a lunar landscape,' according to the report." - Michael Heath: Russia Says It Tested World's Most Powerful Air-Delivered Bomb - "A US official has confirmed that Israeli warplanes carried out an air strike 'deep inside' Syria, escalating tensions between the two countries. "The target of the strike last Thursday remained unclear but Israeli media reported that a shipment of Iranian arms crossing Syria for use by the Iranian-backed Hezbollah militia in Lebanon was attacked. "Syria first reported the incident on the day, saying its air defences had engaged five Israeli planes, but did not say what their target was. Israel remained uncharacteristically silent, pointedly refusing to deny that its warplanes were involved in an operation. The closest it came to acknowledging the affair happened was when it made an undertaking to Turkey to investigate how an Israeli long-range fuel tank was dropped on Turkish territory near the Syrian border. "Another theory gaining ground yesterday was that Israel was deliberately attacking the Russian-made Pantsyr air defence system recently bought by Damascus. The sale includes provision for the Pantsyr system to be shipped on to Iran and it is possible the Israeli attack was co-ordinated with America to probe the effectiveness of the system. It is believed that Iran would use the Pantsyr system to defend its nuclear facilities. "Syria has sought to keep the incident in the public arena, saying yesterday that it had complained formally to the United Nations, accusing Israel of unjustified aggression." - Tim Butcher: US confirms Israeli air strike on Syria - Unsworn Testimony "Swear Him In! That's all I said in the unusual silence on Monday afternoon as first aid was being administered to Gen. David Petraeus microphone before he spoke before the House Armed Services and Foreign Affairs Committees. "It had dawned on me that when House Armed Services Committee Chairman Ike Skelton (D-Missouri) invited Gen. Petraeus to make his presentation, Skelton forgot to ask him to take the customary oath to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I had no idea that my suggestion would be enough to get me thrown out of the hearing." - Ray McGovern: Swear Him In! - Calling All Terrorists "On Sept. 14, flight lines will be very quiet at Air Combat Command bases. The entire command about 100,000 active-duty airmen is standing down training flights and many other operations as part of a command-wide safety day." - Bruce Rolfsen: ACC orders commandwide standdown Friday - I'm Sure They'll Spend it Wisely "American forces are paying Sunni insurgents hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash to switch sides and help them to defeat Al-Qaeda in Iraq. "The tactic has boosted the efforts of American forces to restore some order to war-torn provinces around Baghdad in the run-up to a report by General David Petraeus, the US commander, to Congress tomorrow... "The Sunday Times has witnessed at first hand the enormous sums of cash changing hands. One sheikh in a town south of Baghdad was given $38,000 (19,000) and promised a further $189,000 over three months to drive Al-Qaeda fighters from a nearby camp." - Marie Colvin and Sarah Baxter: US bribes insurgents to fight Al-Qaeda - Financial News: Go Into Air Conditioning "The Old Farmer's Almanac is relying on time-honored, complex calculations to predict that 2008 will be the warmest year in a century, but it also is banking on a factor anyone can understand: years that end in '8' have weird weather. "People still talk about the frigid winters of 1748 and 1888, tornadoes of 1908, Northwest floods and the Northeast hurricane of 1938. If the forecast and tradition hold true, they'll look back on the heat of 2008. "'At the very least, we expect it to be the warmest year in the last century overall, so people will talk about it for that reason alone,' said publisher John Pierce." - David Tirrell-Wysocki: Old Farmer's Almanac: 2008 will be the warmest year in a century - "In spite of all the recent talk about climate change, the Kyoto Protocol and tight energy resources in Europe, the oil industry continues to burn huge volumes of natural gas that rises from oil deposits on land or under the sea. Over 20 countries have increased the practice of 'flaring' in the last 12 years, and some burn far more gas on drilling platforms and in oil fields than they've admitted, officially, so far. "America's weather-data department, the National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), came to this conclusion in a new report based on American satellite data. The study was financed by the World Bank, which five years ago started a global initiative to change the long-established practice of flaring gas and to capture it for energy use instead. "According to the NOAA, oil producers torch from 150 to 170 billion cubic meters (5,200 to 6,000 billion cubic feet) of natural gas per year. This amounts to more than five percent of global natural-gas production. 'If the gas were sold in the United States,' write the authors, 'it would have a market value of around $40 billion.' Bent Svensson, head of the Global Gas Flaring Reduction Initiative at the World Bank, emphasizes the sheer volume of waste: 'If we just took the 40 billion cubic meters of gas that are burned off in Africa every year, and burned them instead in modern energy plants, we could double the energy supply in sub-Saharan Africa.'" "Gas flaring also harms the climate. The report says that flaring produces around 400 million tons of carbon dioxide per year - about half of Germany's CO2 output. 'It amounts to 13 percent of all greenhouse gases that industrial countries need to cut by 2012, according to the Kyoto Protocol,' says Svensson. "There are also oil fields where gas is simply discharged straight into the atmosphere, which is even worse for the climate, because methane - the main component in the hydrocarbon mixture known as 'natural gas' - has 20 times the greenhouse-gas or 'warming' potential of CO2." - Volker Mrasek: Oil Firms Waste $40B per Year in Gas - Up to 170 billion cubic meters of natural gas is burned off by the world's oil producers every year with enormous economic and environmental costs - 9/11 History Lesson from Hell "Another of the men named by the FBI as a hijacker in the suicide attacks on Washington and New York has turned up alive and well. "The identities of four of the 19 suspects accused of having carried out the attacks are now in doubt. "Saudi Arabian pilot Waleed Al Shehri was one of five men that the FBI said had deliberately crashed American Airlines flight 11 into the World Trade Centre on 11 September. "His photograph was released, and has since appeared in newspapers and on television around the world. "Now he is protesting his innocence from Casablanca, Morocco. "He told journalists there that he had nothing to do with the attacks on New York and Washington, and had been in Morocco when they happened. He has contacted both the Saudi and American authorities, according to Saudi press reports. "He acknowledges that he attended flight training school at Daytona Beach in the United States, and is indeed the same Waleed Al Shehri to whom the FBI has been referring." - BBC News: Hijack 'suspects' alive and well - Giving Away Appalachia "Boy, things are hectic inside the Bush regime these days! The clock is ticking, and Corporate America is rushing to get all the favors it can before Bush & Co. closes down in 2009. Sure enough, the Bushites are delivering. "It received little media attention, but the giant coal operators (which have been reliable funders for George and the GOP) recently got a huge goodie handed to them: Bush gave them Appalachia! His Office of Surface Mining quietly issued a new regulation that would allow King Coal to ravage the ancient mountains, glorious forests, and pure streams of Central Appalachia at will. "The action was necessary, say the Bushites, to 'clarify' existing laws governing a greedy, ruthless, and abhorrent mining process called mountaintop removal. This process decapitates the mountains, exploding the tops of them, then savagely shoving the trees, topsoil, wildlife, and other rubble down the mountainsides, burying the valleys and streams below. This is a corporate rape and environmental mutilation but, hey, it produces quick profits for the industry, which had been pushing since George took office to have it legalized. "Their stumbling block has been a 1983 environmental rule that prohibits mining activity within 100 feet of a stream. That's only 30 yards hardly a harsh restriction but mining barons want to bury streams, not fuss with buffer zones. So, the gift-wrapped Bush rule explicitly states that the old prohibition does not apply to hundreds of miles of streams coveted by coal corporations. Instead, the companies only would have to respect the buffer zone 'to the extent practicable' which is to say, not at all. "Grassroots groups are fighting this outrage in the regulatory process, in the courts, and in Congress. To help, contact the Appalachian Center for the Economy & the Environment at www.appalachian-center.org." - Jim Hightower: Giving Away Appalachia -
Letters to the Editor How can there be any letters to the editor before the editor has edited an issue? The whole idea is ridiculous, so till this editor receives any letters, I respectfully submit the following letters to other editors. Dear Newsletter of the Democratic National Committee, Thanks for keeping Hillary out of the house. - Sincerely, Bill Dear Time Magazine, Oops, sorry, I meant Newsweek. - Sincerely, Astonished Reader Dear Newsweek Magazine, I'm astonished you would print such filth. If I wanted to see naked people, I'd go to the internet. Oops, sorry, I meant Hustler. - Sincerely, Astonished Reader Dear Hustler Magazine, Where was I? Didn't I already write this? Stop following me. - Sincerely, Bored Reader Dear Islamic Times, Okay, what gives? Why you gettin' all Jihad on my ass? Is it true you're working with Karl Rove just to promote fear in order to justify defense expenditures? Fuck this letter writing shit, I'm going to write a song about it. - Sincerely, Ice Green-T Dear Modern Maternity, It wasn't me. - Sincerely, Eddie Murphy Dear Soldier of Fortune, Glade Scented Candles fill pup tents and quonset huts with the delightful scent of fresh pine and napalm. - Sincerely, Martha Stewart Dear Wall Street Journal, You're mine, all mine, MOOOAAAHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA. - Sincerely, Rupert Murdoch Dear AARP Magazine, Hello? Is this thing working? How do you turn it on? Where's the "any" key? Wait a minute, I've got to lean a little to the left while the nurse isn't looking. There, that felt good. Where was I? Hello? Is this thing working? - Sincerely, Jimmy Hoffa Dear How to Bang Supermodels Magazine, I want my money back. - Sincerely, Gilbert Gottfried Dear Lesbian Times, Does getting off on watching other women go down on your husband make you gay? - Sincerely, Hillary Notnilc Dear Trading Spaces, Is Seattle available? - Sincerely, New Orleans Dear Oprah, You make me sick. Who do you think you are? - Sincerely, Ohcuorg Dear High Times, Where's my shit, man? I mean you asked me to drop it off for you and now you don't call? This is no way to do business, what?, no, wait a minute, I'm on another line, Ethel, who's on line two? High Times? Let 'em wait. Put me back through to Cheney, yeah, Dick? So where's my shit, man? This is no way to treat a friend. - Sincerely, Alberto Gonzales Dear LA Weekly, We understand you once had an employee named Michael Dare. This is nothing to be proud of as he is a known malcontent, drug addict, and deviant. All our material on Mr. Dare was stored in a warehouse in New Orleans and is now somewhere at the bottom of Lake Pontchartrain. Not that we need any evidence whatsoever to pick him up in the middle of the night to start the waterboarding but we'd appreciate it if you'd send us everything you've got on the guy, including but not limited to everything he ever wrote and the names and addresses of everyone he ever talked to. And let's make one thing perfectly clear. We are NOT building massive relocation camps across the country to hold all dissidents when the revolution comes. That's Halliburton. - Sincerely, Michael Chertoff, DHS Dear New Yorker, Many thanks for your fabulous 40,000 word article on where to find the best molecular gastronomy. Now I know the best dumpsters to dive to find snail porridge, liquid nitrogen ice cream, and edible menus. - Sincerely, Peter Senseless Dear Newsmax, Clear your mind of all previous thoughts. You are getting sleepy, very sleepy. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You are now totally in my power. You will do precisely what I say. When I snap my fingers, you will wake up and you will have no conscience whatsoever and you will be free of any responsibility for the thousands of deaths you've helped cause by continuing to back this administration's disastrous foreign policies. Oh, and George W. Bush is a jenius. SNAP! - Sincerely, Karl Rove (Putz, retired) Dear Christian Science Monitor, "Christian?" "Science?" Aren't those contradictions in terms? Like "Big Mac Vegetarians" or "Poor Republicans?" The Christian view of the universe has about as much to do with science as Poseidon has to do with global warming. - Sincerely, Moses Dear Newsletter of the Steve Allen Fan Club, Help, Conan O'Brien has me held captive in his basement. He feeds me nothing but Ho-Hos and won't let me watch anything but C-Span. - Sincerely, Steve Allen Dear Newsletter of the Toby Keith Fan Club, Yeee haw! Git it on! You guys rock. I'm in my underwear right now drinking whiskey through a straw and dancing around the White House and listening to Toby Keith because he seems to understand what I'm going through, the pain of your loved ones deserting you and the whole world hating your guts. Toby, my man, you're the only thing that stops me from crying. - Sincerely, the decider, goddam it Reviewed by Kent Daniel Bentkowski "Kevin Booth's new documentary, American Drug War: The Last White Hope is the BEST Drug War documentary I have ever seen! A true masterpiece!" Let me remind the reader that it says in the Declaration of Independence, and these are unalienable rights we are talking about here, that no one person or governmental body can take the following away from We The People: "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." These words were written by founding father Thomas Jefferson, who would have been aghast at the way in which otherwise innocent Americans are being treated as a result of the longest running, and most expensive war with which this nation has ever been involved. While some people who have a vested and clear conflict of interest in these matters are willing to say that the so-called Drug War has been a success - on the street level this is simply untrue. In the thirty-five years since Richard Nixon first declared war on what he called public enemy number one; the street drugs available to anyone who wants them, are more plentiful, of a higher potency, and are less expensive than they were in 1972 - the year in which all this madness officially began. However, the Drug War appears to be about having more control over undesirable population groups, than in stopping casual drug use. For instance, in 2000, marijuana arrests had hit record levels. Out of 4.1 million arrests, 88% of them were for possession - sometimes for as little as a single marijuana cigarette. Possession of marijuana accounts for just over half of all drug possession arrests. To place this in proper perspective, in 1999, there were more marijuana arrests than for ALL violent crimes combined - murder, forcible rape, robbery, and aggravated assault. Think about it; is marijuana a greater danger to society than murder? The Drug War propagandists would have you believe so, although this is a ridiculous assertion. Whose business is it if my pursuit of happiness involves smoking marijuana instead of drinking alcohol or sucking nicotine into my lungs? Well, as Kevin Booth discovered and reveals in his exquisite documentary American Drug War: The Last White Hope, the corporations behind the propaganda unit Partnership For A Drug Free America, are these very same alcohol and tobacco companies. These multi-billion dollar globalist companies do not want to risk losing even the smallest portion of their profits when former users of their products switch to smoking marijuana, instead of pulling another can of beer from the six-pack they picked up after a hard days' work, or another cancer-stick from its' colorful foil packaging. This is but one aspect of the American Drug War, in which we see corporate profits ruling above all else. Both alcohol and nicotine carry very specific health risks, such as Cirrhosis of the Liver, and Cancer. Both of these substances combined kill hundreds of thousands of people each year, while marijuana has not been the cause of a single reportable death. In addition, the Drug War completely ignores the dangers of prescription drug abuse, which I saw within my own family. During my teen years, my own father had an addiction to the prescription drug Halcion. This was a horrible time for my family, as we never knew how he was going to behave from one moment to the next. In fact, this was among the worst addictions I had ever witnessed anyone go through, and it was all perfectly legal! The vast majority of the people in the United States Congress and Senate have sold their souls to the lobbyists and corporate interests who roam the halls of Washington, DC like the energy vampires that they are. These multi-billion dollar companies whose names we all know - always seem to get what they want, always at the expense of the American people, whose interests Congress is supposed to be serving. As Kevin Booth further points out, 80% of Americans simply do not agree with the idea that marijuana is a dangerous drug - and 75% support the idea of marijuana as a compassionate medicine. There actually is a synthetic pharmaceutical marijuana product, which goes by the name Marinol. This capsule contains a synthetic version of the active ingredient in marijuana - THC - suspended in Sesame Seed oil. Each capsule is roughly equivalent to one marijuana cigarette, which can cost as little as two dollars when purchased in larger quantities. However, Marinol started out costing seven dollars a capsule. That was only until the scam known as Medicare Part D came into being on January 1, 2006. It was supposed to be a subsidy program to help people pay for their unaffordable prescription drugs, but it turned out to be a financial free-for-all for the pharmaceutical industry. Once January 1, 2006 came around and Medicare Part D went into effect, the price of Marinol jumped from seven dollars to twenty dollars per capsule, nearly triple the price at which it had been originally sold before Medicare Part D went into effect! Now costing fifty-billion dollars per year, the Drug War has been an abysmal failure, no matter what Maricopa County, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio claims to the contrary. One would think that with all the money which has been thrown at this alleged scourge of society, that there would be some appreciable difference in the availability of drugs in our nation. But, this has not been the case. In fact, our jails and prisons are overflowing with non-violent drug offenders, most of which were arrested on simple possession charges. With mandatory minimum sentencing, these people rot behind bars for ten years or more, while violent offenders - murderers, rapists, and child molesters - see their sentences reduced due to overcrowding. I have to ask - does this make our nation any safer? No, it does not. Arpaio is a propagandist through and through. At one point during his interview, Kevin mentions Amsterdam, a city that has greatly decriminalized marijuana. Arpaio claims on camera that the city is a mess, with drugged-out people laying in the streets. To his credit, Kevin takes a flight over to Amsterdam, and provides a split screen comparison between the inner city of Los Angeles and Amsterdam. One city is clean, and the people walking the streets are orderly, posing no threat or concern to the population as a whole. The other city is a complete shambles, the streets littered with used drug paraphernalia, which itself causes yet another health risk to the general population, through the risk of infection of HIV through these dirty needles, syringes, and empty Heroin balloons. Of course, the city that lies in a shambles is the inner city of Los Angeles. But, Sheriff Joe does not want anyone to know this. The two things that ran through my mind as I viewed Kevin Booth's four years in the making documentary on the American Drug War were; how did he get the access to the people that appeared throughout, and what are some of these pro-Drug War government kooks going to think once they see the finished product? Here, I am talking about people like General Barry McCaffery, former Drug Czar; and the aforementioned Sheriff Joe Arpaio, former Director of the DEA, and who now runs a tent city in Maricopa County, Arizona. Arpaio's treatment of prisoners can be called nothing but inhumane. He feeds his prisoners green baloney, and makes them wear pink garments. His guard dogs rest in air-conditioned quarters, while non-violent drug offenders bake in the 130 degree temperatures for which the state of Arizona is so well known. The viewer is shown an insiders-only meeting of the Bloods street gang, and Kevin was able to interview and film Tommy Chong while he was incarcerated for selling glass over the Internet. While Tommy spent nine months behind bars, the publicity actually helped his career, along with his credibility as a life-long advocate of marijuana and individual's rights. Kevin was also able to speak with Freeway Ricky Ross via prison telephone, and in doing so, reveals that the Wal-Mart of Crack Cocaine was really supplied by the CIA. Ricky Ross made between $2-3 million dollars per week in Cocaine and Crack sales, and he mentioned that sometimes he would make that much in a single day! This was likewise confirmed by former DEA agent Cele Castillo, who in doing his job, uncovered the connection between high-level international drug kingpins and the CIA. However, no one would listen to him, and when he pursued this further, he began to be reprimanded and harassed by his own superiors, who clearly didn't want this connection revealed. It also must be said that because of the timing of all of this, the most likely governmental coordinator of the drug sales to the inner cities of America appears to have been none other than George Bush Sr. The Iran-Contra affair was run out of the White House, and with Bush being a former CIA Director, he was the most likely candidate for this heinous task. Kevin also talks about the Pulitzer Prize winning investigative reporter Gary Webb, who published the multi-part investigative series Dark Alliance in the San Jose Mercury News during August 18-20, 1996. Pointing out the connection between drug dealing, the Contras, and the American CIA, Webb had clearly ventured into dangerous waters. Later in April 1998, Seven Stories Press published Dark Alliance from Webb's expanded manuscript. Reading like some adventure thriller, it told the woeful tale of the takeover of the inner city of Los Angeles by drug dealers, crack houses, and street gangs, who saw drugs as the only way out of a hopeless situation. Weighing in at 548 pages, Dark Alliance featured Webb's masterful reportage; as well as his attention to detail, facts, people, and places - all of which were making those governmental officials involved truly nervous. Although the paper first stood behind Webb and his reporting, they later backed away, bowing to pressure from both the government and rival newspapers. David Corn, of The Nation, even tried to claim that Webb failed to provide adequate proof to back up his assertions. However, the book version of Dark Alliance included 462 footnotes, which is more than an adequate amount of research proof for a book of 548 pages. The controversy resulted in Webb being fired from his paper, and up until the end of his life, he could find no other work in his field. This led to a depression, with his career in ruins. Ironically, if this had happened today, Webb would have simple started his own investigative reporting website or blog, and would have continued onwards with nary a delay. Without a doubt, the saddest part of Webb's story occurred on December 10, 2004. He was found dead with two gunshot wounds, which was later declared a suicide. Has the reader ever heard of a suicide that saw the victim surviving the first gunshot, and later shooting themselves a second time, this time fatally? Webb had reported all sorts of surveillance outside his home, with what he thought were CIA operatives lurking about, peering in windows, and as a result he felt he was in danger. It is more likely that Gary Webb was suicided, as opposed to having committed suicide. This too is part and parcel of the modus operandi of the CIA, that they simply take out those whom are seen as an immediate threat to their ongoing operations, and with the Drug War, there is simply too much money to be had. Over the years, I have seen several excellent documentaries on the Drug War, including Ron Mann's 1999 film entitled Grass. However, what Kevin Booth has done has taken the viewer far beyond the front lines and into the minds and thought-process of the rabid Drug Warriors, who actually either believe the nonsense that comes from their mouths, or are such good propagandists, they could sell their message to the American people at large. American Drug War: The Last White Hope is by far the best, most complete look at the costliest failed action ever carried out by the American government. These are our tax dollars at work, folks. When all is said and done, the most sobering comment from the entire documentary comes courtesy of Pam Sakuda, a terminal lung cancer patient, who sought out compassionate medical treatment in an attempt to extend her own life: "The people who are waging the war on drugs have every interest in continuing to do so. Especially medicines like hallucinogens. And I think we all agree that what they do is they allow you to change your perspective. And to think outside of the box that you're closed into. And that is the last thing that this power structure wants is for you to think outside of the box. In fact, they would rather make your box smaller." --- Pam Sakuda; Terminal Lung Cancer Diagnosis Study Participant; UCLA Medical Center In the end, this is exactly what the Drug War is all about - limiting our potential as individuals and controlling a large sector of society through arrest and incarceration. This point comes across loud and clear throughout this documentary. Kevin Booth has created a true masterpiece here, and if the reader of these words is so inclined, I would highly recommend that they run - don't walk - to the website of Sacred Cow Productions and pick up a copy of what is sure to go down as the premier documentary numerating the failings of the American Drug War. Perhaps with enough people educated in this matter, We The People might be able to work toward repealing the most heinous prohibition that this nation has ever seen. Tens of millions of people who have AIDS, Cancer, and a number of other serious ailments and diseases would immediately benefit and receive relief, not to mention the burden on our taxes and justice system, which is overflowing with people who have done nothing more than seek the wrong from of happiness - an unalienable right we are supposed to be guaranteed from our own Declaration of Independence. Kentroversy Rating: *** (out of five) Kent Daniel Bentkowski Buffalo, New York USA September 9, 2007 © 2007 Kentroversy Papers All rights reserved. Used with permission. The Kentroversy Papers: http://www.kentroversypapers.net The Kentroversy Tapes: http://www.kentroversytapes.net The Film** http://sacredcow.com http://AmericanDrugWar.com	Best of the LA Free Press Blog Be Choosy. Chew Chew-Z. Submitted by catboxer on Thu, 08/30/2007. Today's GAO report is only the latest interesting development in what has been a week of them. This morning's AP story covering the premature release of the report strongly implies that General Accounting Office personnel leaked it to forestall the administration's revising and editing of it before the public got wind of it. "The political wrangling came days before the report was to be officially released and while most lawmakers were still out of town for the August recess, reflecting the high stakes involved for both sides in the Iraq war debate," the story by Anne Flaherty says. To put it another way, GAO personnel wanted to make sure that reality trumps the spin generated by Bush-Cheney's habitual fantasy. "Reality," said the science fiction writer Philip K. Dick, "is the one thing that, when you stop believing in it, it doesn't go away." Earthlings who people some of Dick's novels have been transplanted to hostile extraterrestrial environments, and chew exotic drugs like Can-D and Chew-Z in order to escape their bleak reality, which unfortunately always returns when the drug wears off. The boy king and his vice-Lucifer have been hitting the Can-D pretty hard for years now, but there are signs that the comedown and hangover are imminent, and assumptions that the war will continue until this pair of inebriates leaves office are up for revision. There is now an antiwar movement inside the government and, apparently, inside the Pentagon as well. From a McClatchy News story yesterday: "In a sign that top commanders are divided over what course to pursue in Iraq, the Pentagon said Wednesday that it won't make a single, unified recommendation to President Bush during next month's strategy assessment, but instead will allow top commanders to make individual presentations." We already know that General Petraeus is going to deliver a report that panders to Bush's Can-D-induced hallucinations, but the McClatchy story reveals without going into detail that a significant number among the top brass in the DoD are no longer willing to play that game. They're planning to get real, or in other words, come out against the war. Add to that the growing opposition to the war in Bush's own party, especially among high-profile senators like Warner and Lugar, and what we're describing is a tight circle closing around the Oval Office. Up until a few days ago I thought Bush and his Rasputin would get their way, and that nothing could prevent their continuing the war unobstructed at least until January 20, 2009. But their position is beginning to look bleak, and a combination of forces may conspire to pull the rug out from under them, and confiscate their stash of Can-D. "Earth to George and Dick; it's time for you guys to come down." If You Insist on Remaining in the Grand Old Perverts Party, Here's What You MUST Believe Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a Bin Laden diversion. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money, and the best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans benefits and combat pay. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which apparently includes banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but Bush's driving and service record is none of our business. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host - then it's an illness and he needs our prayers for his recovery. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. - Planet Proctor (Phil Proctor is from the Firesign Theater but obviously should be incarcerated in Guantanamo) - Here’s the Smell of the Blood Still by Norman Solomon The following essay is adapted from Norman Solomon’s new book, Made Love, Got War: Close Encounters with America’s Warfare State: When Martin Luther King Jr. publicly referred to “the greatest purveyor of violence in the world today — my own government,” he had no way of knowing that his description would ring so true 40 years later. As the autumn of 2007 begins, the reality of Uncle Sam as an unhinged mega-killer haunts a large minority of Americans. Many who can remember the horrific era of the Vietnam War are nearly incredulous that we could now be living in a time of similarly deranged official policy. Despite all the differences, the deep parallels between the two war efforts inform us that the basic madness of entrenched power in our midst is not about miscalculations or bad management or quagmires. The continuity tells us much more than we would probably like to know about the obstacles to decency that confront us every day. The incredulity and numbing, the frequent bobbing-and-weaving of our own consciousness, the hollow comforts of passivity, insulate us from hard truths and harsher realities than we might ever have expected to need to confront — about our country and about ourselves. Of all the words spewed from the Pet Crock hearings with General Petraeus and Ambassador Crocker, maybe none were more revealing than Petraeus’s bid for a modicum of sympathy for his burdens as a commander. “This is going on three years for me, on top of a year deployment to Bosnia as well,” he said at the Senate hearing, “so my family also knows something about sacrifice.” There’s sacrifice and sacrifice. “It is as bad as it seems,” longtime activist Dave Dellinger told a gathering of protesters outside the 1972 Republican National Convention in Miami Beach as it prepared to re-nominate a war-criminal president. “We must achieve a breakthrough in understanding reality.” I listened, agreeing. But it was, and is, easier said. How do we truly grasp what’s being done in our names, with our tax dollars — and, most of all, with our inordinate self-restraint that tolerates what should be intolerable? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * From an Oval Office tape, May 4, 1972: “I’ll see that the United States does not lose,” the president said while conferring with aides Al Haig, John Connally and Henry Kissinger. “I’m putting it quite bluntly. I’ll be quite precise. South Vietnam may lose. But the United States cannot lose. Which means, basically, I have made the decision. Whatever happens to South Vietnam, we are going to cream North Vietnam…. For once, we’ve got to use the maximum power of this country … against this shit-ass little country: to win the war. We can’t use the word, ‘win.’ But others can.” By mid-1972, U.S. troop levels in Vietnam were way down — to around seventy thousand — almost half a million lower than three years earlier. Fewer Americans were dying, and the carnage in Vietnam was fading as a front-burner issue in U.S. politics. Nixon’s withdrawal strategy had changed the focus of media coverage. The executive producer of ABC’s evening news, Av Westin, had written in a 1969 memo: “I have asked our Vietnam staff to alter the focus of their coverage from combat pieces to interpretive ones, pegged to the eventual pull-out of the American forces. This point should be stressed for all hands.” In a telex to the network’s Saigon bureau, Westin gave the news of his decree to the correspondents: “I think the time has come to shift some of our focus from the battlefield, or more specifically American military involvement with the enemy, to themes and stories under the general heading ‘We Are on Our Way Out of Vietnam.’” The killing had gone more technological; from 1969 to 1972 the U.S. government dropped 3.5 million tons of bombs on Vietnam, a total higher than all the bombing in the previous five years. The combination of withdrawing U.S. troops and stepping up the bombardment was anything but a coincidence; the latest in military science would make it possible to, in President Nixon’s private words, “use the maximum power of this country” against a “shit-ass little country.” In December 1972, Nixon delivered on his confidential pledge to “cream North Vietnam,” ordering eleven days and nights of almost round-the-clock sorties (Christmas was an off day) that dropped twenty thousand tons of bombs on North Vietnam. B-52s reached the city of Hanoi. During that week and a half, Pentagon Papers whistleblower Daniel Ellsberg later noted, the U.S. government dropped “the explosive equivalent of the Nagasaki A-bomb.” * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Visiting Baghdad near the end of 2002, I looked at Iraqi people and wondered what would happen to them when the missiles arrived, what would befall the earnest young man managing the little online computer shop in the hotel next to the alcohol-free bar, who invited me to a worship service at the Presbyterian church that he devoutly attended; or the sweet-faced middle-aged fellow with a moustache very much like Saddam Hussein’s (a ubiquitous police-state fashion statement) who stood near the elevator and put hand over heart whenever I passed; or the sweethearts chatting across candles at an outdoor restaurant as twilight settled on the banks of the Tigris. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * That winter, movers and shakers in Washington shuffled along to the beat of a media drum that kept reporting on Iraqi weapons of mass destruction as a virtual certainty. At the same time, millions of Americans tried to prevent an invasion; their activism ranged from letters and petitions to picket lines, civil disobedience, marches, and mass rallies. On January 18, 2003, as the Washington Post recalled years later, “an antiwar protest described as the largest since the Vietnam War drew several hundred thousand … on the eve of the Iraq war, in subfreezing Washington weather. The high temperature reported that day was in the mid-20s.” The outcry was global, and the numbers grew larger. On February 15, an estimated 10 million people demonstrated against the impending war. A dispatch from Knight-Ridder news service summed up the events of that day: “By the millions, peace marchers in cities around the world united Saturday behind a single demand: No war with Iraq.” But the war planners running the U.S. government were determined. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * During one year after another, the warfare intensified in Iraq. And an air war kept escalating. The U.S. media assumed that almost any use of American air power was to the good. (Exceptions came with fleeting news of mishaps like dropping bombs on wedding parties.) What actually happened to human beings every day as explosives hit the ground would not be conveyed to the reputedly well-informed. What we didn’t know presumably wouldn’t hurt us or our self-image. We thought ourselves better — incomparably better — because we burned people with modern technology from high in the air. Car bombs and detonation belts were for the uncivilized. One of the methodical quirks of U.S. Air Force news releases has been that they consistently refer to insurgents as “anti-Iraqi forces” — even though almost all of those fighters are Iraqis. So, in a release about activities on Christmas Day 2006, the Air Force reported that “Marine Corps F/A-18Ds conducted a strike against anti-Iraqi forces near Haqlaniyah.” The next day, it was the same story, as it would be for a long time to come — with U.S. Air Force jets bombing “anti-Iraqi forces” on behalf of missions for “Operation Iraqi Freedom” in order to “deter and disrupt terrorist activities.” * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * In my kitchen is a dark-red little carpet with black designs, imported from Baghdad. I bought it there one afternoon in late January 2003 at the bazaar (not so different, to my eyes anyway, from the market I later visited in Tehran). My traveling companion was a former high-ranking U.N. official, Denis Halliday, who had lived in Baghdad for a while during the 1990s before resigning as head of the “oil for food” program in protest against the draconian sanctions that caused so much devastation among civilians. Denis was revisiting some of the shopkeepers he had come to know. After warm greetings and pleasantries, an Iraqi man in his middle years said that he’d heard on the BBC about a French proposal for averting an invasion. The earnest hope in his voice made my heart sink, as if falling into the dirty stretch of the Tigris River that Denis and I had just hopped a boat across, where people were beating rugs on stones alongside the banks. Often when I look at the carpet in the kitchen I think that it is filled with blood, remembering how one country’s treasures become another’s aesthetic enhancements. I had carted home the rolled-up carpet and less than two months later came “shock and awe.” Now, more than four years afterward, the daily papers piled up on the breakfast table a few feet away tell of the latest carnage. I don’t think the rug has ever given me pleasure since the day it unfurled across the hardwood floor. It hasn’t been cleaned since presumably it soaked up the Tigris water during its last washing. There’s blood on the carpet and no amount of trips to the dry cleaners could change that. Macbeth, Act V, Scene 1: “Out, damned spot! out, I say! … What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account? — Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him? … What, will these hands ne’er be clean? … Here’s the smell of the blood still: all the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand.” Norman Solomon’s new book “Made Love, Got War: Close Encounters with America’s Warfare State” has just come off the press. For more information, go to: www.MadeLoveGotWar.com. The documentary film “War Made Easy: How Presidents and Pundits Keep Spinning Us to Death” is based on Norman Solomon’s book of the same title. For information about the full-length movie, narrated by Sean Penn and produced by the Media Education Foundation, go to: www.WarMadeEasyTheMovie.org
14 Identifying Characteristics of Fascist Nations "Powerful and continuing nationalism - Fascist regimes tend to make constant use of patriotic mottoes, symbols, songs and other paraphernalia. Flags are seen everywhere, as are flag symbols on clothing and in public displays. "Disdain for the recognition of Human Rights - Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the people of fascist regimes are persuaded that human rights can be ignored in certain cases because of 'need.' The people tend to look the other way or even approve torture, summary executions, assassinations, long incarcerations of prisoners, etc. "Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause - The people are rallied into a unifying patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: racial, ethnic or religious minorities; liberals; communists; socialists; terrorists; etc. "Supremacy of the Military - Even when there are widespread domestic problems, the military is given a disproportionate amount of government funding, and the domestic agenda is neglected. Soldiers and military service are glamorized. "Rampant Sexism - The governments of fascist regimes tend to be almost exclusively male-dominated. Under fascist regimes, traditional gender roles are more rigid. Opposition to abortion is high, as is homophobia and anti-gay legislation and national policy. "Controlled Mass Media - Sometimes the media is directly controlled by the government, but in other cases, the media is indirectly controlled by government regulation, or sympathetic media spokespeople and executives. Censorship, especially in war time, is very common. "Obsession with National Security - Fear is used as a motivational tool by the government over the masses. "Religion and Government are intertwined - Governments in fascist nations tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion. Religious rhetoric and terminology is common from government leaders, even when the major tenets of the religion are diametrically opposed to the government's policies or actions. "Corporate Power is protected - The industrial and business aristocracy of a fascist nation often are the ones who put the government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite. "Labor Power is Suppressed - Because of the organizing power of labor is the only real threat to a fascist government, labor unions are either eliminated entirely, or are severely suppressed. "Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts - Fascist nations tend to promote and tolerate open hostility to higher education, and academia. It is not uncommon for professors and other academics to be censored or even arrested. Free expression in the arts is openly attacked, and governments often refuse to fund the arts. "Obsession with Crime and Punishment - Under fascist regimes, the police are given almost limitless power to enforce laws. The people are often willing to overlook police abuses, and even forgo civil liberties in the name of patriotism. There is often a national police force with virtually unlimited power in fascist nations. "Rampant Cronyism and Corruption - Fascist regimes almost always are governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to government positions and use governmental power and authority to protect their friends from accountability. It is not uncommon in fascist regimes for national resources and even treasures to be appropriated or even outright stolen by government leaders. "Fraudulent Elections - Sometimes elections in fascist nations are a complete sham. Other times elections are manipulated by smear campaigns against or even assassination of opposition candidates, use of legislation to control voting numbers or political district boundaries, and manipulation of the media. Fascist nations also typically use their judiciaries to manipulate or control elections." - Dr. Lawrence Britt: political scientist who studied the fascist regimes of Hitler, Mussolini, Franco, Suharto and Pinochet to compile their shared identifying characteristics - TV Show We'd Most Like to See	Thank you Garry Goodrow for the fine motto.
Dear Dr: As you can probably gather, I'm an aspiring scriptwriter. I love to write, love it, from thinking something up to writing the last line, it's the best feeling in the world. I've written one full-length script, one episodic drama, and have several other works in progress. What I need help on is how to get started. Should I find an agent first? If so, where should I start? Who would be a good judge of what I've written? Anything you have to offer would be greatly appreciated. J.C. J.C., Basically you're fucked. There's no way in. Forget it. Welcome to the wonderful world of Catch 22, where you can't get an agent without credits, you can't get credits without a job, and you can't get a job without an agent. All you can do is exploit whatever meager contacts you have to the fullest and don't stop until someone notices you. Whatever it takes. Make the news. Write a best selling book, but then you'll need a LITERARY agent, who won't be interested unless you have credits, etc. If you love writing, who says it has to be screenplays? Van Gogh painted more than flowers. Write journalism, write for Madison Avenue, write press releases. A newspaper once assigned me to interview an actor. During the interview, the actor actually asked me if I had a script for him. You never know where that break is going to come from. Send your questions to drhollywood@thelosangelesfreepress.com	Free Ad Every week the LA Free Press will run a free ad for no other reason than we're nuts. Send ads and see if you qualify, otherwise we've got fabulous ad rates. Tell me this doesn't look great, a Christmas movie about a barber who kills his customers so his landlady Mrs. Lovett can turn them into meat pies. There hasn't been a film based upon a Steven Sondheim musical since West Side Story that has this much classic potential, Johnny Depp at the height of his talent and popularity, Tim Burton, a visual genius with several classic musicals under his belt, and one of the best Broadway musicals ever written, soaring melodies, intense emotional sincerity, heavy on the irony, brilliant and often hilarious lyrics with the most complex rhyme schemes in songwriting history that get better each listening. The only potential glitch is the part of Sweeney demands almost operatic vocal power we've never heard from Depp, giving this adaptation some unfortunate Man of La Mancha potential (a great Broadway musical whose film version was ruined by Peter O'Toole's lack of vocal skill among other things). I'm assuming the best and humbly suggesting Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, and Best Soundtrack for a film I haven't seen yet. "What happens next, well that's the play And we wouldn't want to give it away." - Sweeney Todd -
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Don't Take Our Word For It "A hundred thousand elephants, A hundred thousand horses, A hundred thousand mule-drawn chariots, Are not worth a sixteenth part Of a single step forward." - Buddha - "Large nations do what they wish, while small nations accept what they must." - Thucydides - "There is an immutable conflict at work in life and in business, a constant battle between peace and chaos. Neither can be mastered, but both can be influenced. How you go about that is the key to success." - Philip Knight, the founder of Nike - "Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers - "No nation ever had an army large enough to guarantee it against attack in time of peace or insure it victory in time of war." - President Calvin Coolidge - "Don't steal. The government hates competition." - Anonymous - "The public has been led into a trap from which it will be hard to escape with dignity and honor. They have been tricked into it by a steady withholding of information. The Baghdad communiqués are belated, insincere, incomplete. Things have been far worse than we have been told, our administration more bloody and inefficient than the public knows. We are today not far from a disaster." - T. E. Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia), Sunday Times of London August 22, 1920 - "Each person has inside a basic decency and goodness. If he listens to it and acts on it, he is giving a great deal of what it is the world needs most. It is not complicated but it takes courage. It takes courage for a person to listen to his own goodness and act on it." - Pablo Casals - "Seventy percent of success in life is showing up." - Woody Allen - "The love for money is a deep eddy of pain, and he who is desireless can alone cross this whirlpool." - Shri Sai Baba - "All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." - Spike Milligan - "Debating with creationists is like playing chess with a pigeon; no matter how well you set up the rules [they'll] fly in, knock over all the pieces, cluck a great deal, crap all over the board, and fly off claiming victory." - Pharyngula - "You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain - "We the people are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts, not to overthrow the Constitution but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution." - Abraham Lincoln - "I say no to drugs, but they don't listen." - Marilyn Manson - "The Supreme Trick of mass insanity is that it persuades you that the only abnormal person is the one who refuses to join in the madness of others, the one who tries vainly to resist. We will never understand totalitarianism if we do not understand that people rarely have the strength to be uncommon." - Eugene Ionesco - "Isn't the only hope for the planet that the industrialized civilizations collapse? Isn't it our responsibility to bring it about?" - Maurice Strong, Head of the 1992 Earth Summit in Rio de Janeiro - "Whenever you do something that is truly worthwhile, you are going to alienate somebody." - Jack Lemmon - "Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him." - Aldous Huxley - "In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act." - George Orwell - "The wicked thing about both the little and the great 'collective faiths,' prehistoric and historic, is that they all, without exception, pretend to hold encompassed in their ritualized mythologies all of the truth ever to be known. They are therefore cursed, and they curse all who accept them, with what I shall call the 'error of the found truth,' or, in mythological language, the sin against the Holy Ghost. They set up against the revelations of the spirit the barriers of their own petrified belief, and therefore, within the ban of their control, mythology, as they shape it, serves the end only of binding potential individuals to whatever system of sentiments may have seemed to the shapers of the past (now sanctified as saints, sages, ancestors, or even gods) to be appropriate to their concept of a great society." - Joseph Campbell: Myths To Live By - "We must make clear to the Germans that the wrong for which their fallen leaders are on trial is not that they lost the war, but that they started it. And we must not allow ourselves to be drawn into a trial of the causes of the war, for our position is that no grievances or policies will justify resorting to aggressive war. It is utterly renounced and condemned as an instrument of policy." - Robert L. Jackson, Chief U.S. Prosecutor at the Nuremberg Tribunals - "Here is the sticky, irresistible question, hovering like some sort of perky rainbow-colored cloud over anyone who reads the news or pays attention to the scandals or the nifty bathroom hand signals or the various semen stains covering the pages of the Official GOP Handbook like some sort of wretched, skanky Kandinsky painting: "Really, just how many closeted, self-hating, violently repressed "I-am-not-gay" totally gay hypocrites are there in the Republican Party? Or for that matter, in your average born-again Christian megachurch? Or in the U.S. military? Or in (your morally righteous group's name here)? Ten percent of them? Fifty? A hundred and four? "Because baby, it just keeps popping up, scandal after scandal, homophobic lawmaker after anti-gay preacher after gay marriage attacker after hooker-loving 'family values' adulterer, Bob Allen to Ted Haggard to Jim West to Glenn Murphy Jr. to David 'Diaperman' Vitter, so many examples of a militant loudmouthed Christian Republican suddenly caught with his pants down around his boyfriend's ankles that, after so many headlines, the notion that these cases might be rare or exceptional simply vanishes and you are left only with the undeniable fact that, oh my God, the American right is simply teeming with so much murky, pressure-cooked homoeroticism it might as well be a Young Republicans kegger at Mark Foley's pink Miami Beach condo." - Mark Morford: Just How Gay Is The GOP? Sen. Larry 'Wide Stance' Craig, just another in a long daisy chain of happy homoevidence - "What are our duties as patriots? Is one a patriot if they fly the flag, to stand for the national anthem? Yes and no. One may do these things and be filled with love of country, but if that is all you do, then you have not done enough. In this time, and in this place, and with all that is happening in this country and around the world, the duties of a patriot go far, far, far beyond flying the flag. The duty of a patriot in this time and place is to ask questions, to demand answers, to understand where our nation is headed and why. If the answers you get do not suit you, or if they frighten you, or if they anger you, it is your duty as a patriot to dissent. Freedom does not begin with blind acceptance and with a flag. Freedom begins when you say 'No.'" - William Rivers Pitt - "Unfortunately, the balance of nature decrees that a super-abundance of dreams is paid for by a growing potential for nightmares." - Peter Ustinov - "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy." - Ernest Benn - "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountibility." - Jack Nicholson as Melvin Udall in As Good As It Gets - Acknowledgement Here's a fact. Absolutely everything passes into the public domain eventually. Used to be one lifetime, but then corporate fascists like Disney extended copyright legally in order to protect their precious mouse, who should have entered the public domain years ago. I do not use the word fascist lightly. Fascism is when corporations rule the government. It is unquestionably in the public's best interest for things to enter the public domain as quick as possible, so the political movement to extend copyright and prevent things from entering the public domain is demonstrably corporate, not in the public's best interest, and totally delusional. We all know that in reality copyright barely lasts one nanosecond. Case in point. A friend of a friend sat at my computer and said "Any films you want to see?" I said The Simpsons Movie, which wasn't due in theaters till the next weekend. I don't know how he did it, but within half an hour my hard disk contained a pristine DVD quality copy of a movie that hadn't come out yet. I clicked PLAY. The film had the same old credit sequence, with Bart at the blackboard writing, "I will not illegally download this movie from the internet," a joke that was profoundly funny under the circumstances. I've got a lot of stuff on my computer I want to show you, stuff I got off the internet, from the great unknown, stuff I haven't got a clue who made or what asylum they escaped from. As a reporter of the common zeitgeist, I feel it's my responsibility to show it to you, but do I have that right? Good question. Let's pretend this newspaper came from the future, about 2468, a time capsule of 2007, what people were looking at, what artists were creating and why they did it, an educational guide to what passes for the current. We will be nothing if not up to date with plenty of glances in the rear view mirror. And if I accidentally publish something of yours without proper credit, let me know and I'll fix it. Personally, I wouldn't take credit for any of it. Credit only gets you in trouble. MD	Stupid Question of the Week California has passed a law making it illegal for teens to text message while driving. While text messaging while driving is certainly a bad idea, there are all kinds of other activities that are even worse, like masturbating or preparing a Creme Brulée (actually a euphemism for masturbating) while driving. What are some other laws California should pass concerning activities while driving? Send your answers to stupidquestion@dareland.com Get Involved Sept. 29 March on Washington to Stop the War, Bring the Troops Home Now! Money for Jobs, Education, Healthcare and Housing, Not War Stop the War Funding We urge our fellow trade unionists to join us on Sept. 29th and to participate in an encampment in front of the Capitol from Sept. 22-29 to demand no war funding. Labor's voice must be heard on the crucial issue of the war especially at a time when our rights are under attack from the right to organize to pensions, healthcare, mortgage foreclosures, job security and wages. Solidarity is more important than ever. On Sept. 29, we will be joining the cast of SiCKO and healthcare advocates who are forming a giant contingent to demand healthcare for all; veterans and active duty GIs who are courageously speaking out; Katrina/Rita survivors who are still fighting for their long over due rights; immigrant workers who are facing unfair deportations; students and youth who are questioning the injustice of the war; and the tens of thousands of other people who simply want the troops home now. http://www.troopsoutnow.org Quiz of the Week "What Do You Know About The Separation of State and Church?" Adapted from the Freedom from Religion Foundation 1. The U.S. Constitution says that the United States was founded as a Christian nation, based on the sovereign authority of God in the First Amendment in Section VI in the Preamble nowhere. Our nation was founded as a secular government, based on the authority of "We, the People," not a god, king, or dictator. 2. How many times does the word "God" appear in the U.S. Constitution? 0. The U.S. Constitution is a godless document. 1 3 6 3. How many times does the Declaration of Independence refer to Christianity or Jesus? 0. There is no mention of Jesus, Christ, Christianity, religious persecution, or religious freedom in the Declaration of Independence. 1 3 8 4. The US Constitution guarantees religious liberty for Christians all religions atheists & agnostics all of the above. Religious liberty is meaningless unless we all have it. Freedom From Religion Foundation president Anne Gaylor says, "There can be no religious freedom without the freedom to dissent." 5. Where did the separation of church and state originate? France Soviet Union United States of America. The U.S.A. was the first nation in history to separate church and state. Nazi Germany 6. What does the First Amendment say about religion? nothing the US is founded upon Christian principles Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting free exercise. The First Amendment begins with these words: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; . . ." The two clauses are referred to, respectively, as the Establishment Clause and the Free Exercise Clause. that there is no national religion, but each state may set up its own religious practices 7. The phrase "wall of separation between church and state" originated with the Soviet constitution a dissenting opinion by former Supreme Court Justice Felix Frankfurter a letter written by President Thomas Jefferson. President Thomas Jefferson coined this phrase in a carefully crafted letter to the Danbury Baptists of Connecticut in 1802. It has since been widely picked up and invoked in major Supreme Court decisions. a speech by President Ulysses S. Grant 8. Which early colonies practiced freedom of religion? the Pilgrims and Puritans in Massachusetts the colony in Virginia Roger Williams' Providence settlement Trick question! Roger Williams' Providence settlement founded in 1656 expressly guaranteed religious freedom. However, the Pilgrims originally were a tolerant people, when they founded Plymouth in 1620. By 1691, the Pilgrims had adopted the theocratic, intolerant Calvinism of the Puritans, who founded the Massachusetts Bay Colony in 1628. The Puritans came to this land expressly to establish a bible commonwealth, and banished "heretics" and dissenters. In Virginia, heresy was a capital offense punishable by death by burning. Quakers were particularly persecuted. People who were not orthodox Christians were not legally protected, could be denied civil rights and jailed. The founders of the new nation of the United States of America, conversant with extreme religious intolerance and violence in the several colonies, were determined to put an end to it. That is why they established state/church separation. all of them 9. The Puritans escaped religious persecution and, in their own colony, allowed religious freedom for everyone all Christians Puritans only. Puritans (Congregational Calvinists) only were allowed. Even practicing Puritans were held to strict litmus tests. (The Puritans loved religious freedom so much that they kept it all to themselves.) Puritans and Anglicans 10. ". . . the government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; . . ." Where does this phrase appear? The U.S. Communist party platform A speech by Abraham Lincoln American Jewish Congress U.S. treaty signed by President Adams. In 1797 the United States entered into a treaty with Tripoli, in which it was declared: "As the government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquillity [sic] of Musselmen . . . it is declared . . . that no pretext arising from religious opinion shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries." This treaty was written under Washington's presidency, and it was ratified by Congress under John Adams, signed by Adams. 11. By an Act of Congress, U.S. currency has carried the motto "In God We Trust" since the very beginning 1862 1914 1957. In 1955, Congress passed a law requiring that "In God We Trust" appear on all U.S. coins and currency. The first paper currency with the motto appeared in 1957. This was right after the McCarthy era, during the early Cold War, when no congressperson would dare be seen voting against "God." "In God We Trust" did appear occasionally on a few coins, starting with a 2-cent piece in the 1860s, in an attempt (it is surmised) to put "God" on the side of the north during the Civil War. In 1956, an Act of Congress adopted "In God We Trust" as a national motto. The original motto, "E Pluribus Unum" ("out of many, [come] one,") celebrating plurality, still appears on the Presidential Seal and on some paper currency. 12. The Pledge of Allegiance, first published in 1892, has included the words "under God" since 1892 1914 1942 1954. As with "In God We Trust," "under God" is also a Johnny-come-lately. It was inserted into the Pledge of Allegiance during the McCarthy era. The original pledge was first published on September 8, 1892 in the magazine "Youth's Companion" with no reference to a deity. 13. Who made the following statement? "Secular schools can never be tolerated because such a school has no religious instruction and a general moral instruction without a religious foundation is built on air; consequently, all character training and religion must be derived from faith . . . We need believing people." Pat Robertson Abraham Lincoln Adolf Hitler. April 26, 1933, from a speech made during negotiations leading to the Nazi-Vatican Concordat of 1933. Rev. Jerry Falwell 14. In 1890, bible reading was outlawed from Wisconsin schools. Who was responsible? a Lutheran family a Roman Catholic family. A Roman Catholic family objected to the exclusive use of the Protestant King James Version of the bible. The court barred all bible reading from Wisconsin public schools. [State ex rel. Weiss vs. District Board, 76 Wisc. 177 (1890)]. Catholicism was a small minority in 19th-century America. It is usually minority groups who need the protection of the Bill of Rights. an atheist family a Jewish family 15. The U.S. Supreme Court outlawed student-initiated prayers at high-school football games in 2000. Who were the plaintiffs in that lawsuit? Roman Catholic and Mormon families. The Texas lawsuit was taken by a Catholic family and a Mormon family who had children who were being harassed by the born-again majority in the public schools. two Jewish families a Unitarian (agnostic) family an atheist organization 16. According to the "Lemon test," in order to be constitutional, a law or public act must: have a secular purpose have a primary effect that neither advances nor inhibits religion not result in excessive governmental entanglement with religion all of the above. The 3-pronged Lemon test (Lemon v. Kurtzman, 1971, which dealt with public aid to private schools) has almost consistently been utilized by the Supreme Court since the early 1970s. ALL THREE prongs of the test must be satisfied. 17. All American Presidents have been practicing Christians True False. John Adams, John Q. Adams, Millard Fillmore and William H. Taft were Unitarians. Jefferson was a Deist/Freethinker. Harrison, Johnson, Grant and Hayes were not members of a church. Lincoln was a Deist. Etc. (Although some Unitarians of that time considered themselves "Christians," they rejected the Trinity and other doctrines that most Christians today consider essential.) 18. The U.S. Constitution says there shall be no religious test for public office True. Article VI: " . . . but no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States." False 19. John Adams declared Christmas to be a national holiday True False. Christmas was outlawed in some colonies. Alabama was the first state to make it a holiday in 1836. 20. A president, being sworn in, is required to place a hand on the Holy Bible and say "so help me, God." True False. The oath of office does not mention a deity or the bible: "Before he enter on the Execution of his Office, he shall take the following Oath or Affirmation:--'I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.' " [U.S. Constitution, Article II, Section 1] This is the only oath given in the Constitution, and it is entirely secular. 21. Since the First Amendment deals with "Congress," states are free to advance religion if they wish. True False. The 14th Amendment makes the entire Bill of Rights applicable to the states. The first Supreme Court case to declare a state's religious practices illegal under the 14th Amendment was the McCollum case (1948) which removed religious instruction from the public schools.

Google Smackdown of the Week

Google smackdown #1.1

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And the winner is "bush should be impeached" by 1,416.

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