Issue 2.11


Satire and Speculation
by Paul Krassner


    A few years ago, in my last album, right after the Abu Ghraib scandal broke, I talked about how furious Senators and congressmen were, looking at such photos as a prisoner forced to wear women’s panties on his head and a naked prisoner with a dog collar attached to a leash held by a woman who is pointing at the man’s penis and laughing. Why were those legislators sputtering with such rage? Because THEY have to pay EXTRA for those services.
    Now, I asked Sam Leff--given his background as an anthropologist studying and writing about the hidden rituals of American sadomasochism--for his take on the CIA’s cover-up of torture videos.
    “I have been watching with fascinated horror,” he said, “as America's S/M patterns of culture have emerged into the open in the Abu Ghraib/Gitmo Bush administration. I’ve been flashing on some clear images of the fratboy reality underlying the White House torture tape controversy.
     “Picture this.  Bush and Karl Rove sitting around a big plasma screen (drinking beer?) and laughing their asses off watching helpless prisoners drowning under a waterboard, or naked getting cigarette burns, or maybe having analgesic balm applied to their genitals.
     “Once the existence of the tapes became known, their cover story is that they were having a big discussion about whether or not to keep or destroy the torture tapes. Like that old pervert, J. Edgar Hoover, the reality is they were getting off looking at them as sadistic porn--over and over. Perhaps sharing them with the ‘frat brothers’ of their inner circle.”
    Indeed, in November 2005, Garry Trudeau was queried by Editor & Publisher about his Doonesbury strip the previous Sunday which had George Bush defending the branding of Yale University fraternity initiates with a red-hot coat-hanger in 1967, and Trudeau replied that it was “Totally fact based. Bush’s comment in panel seven is a direct quote.” He was referring to the collegiate Bush saying, “Insignificant! There’s no scarring mark physically or mentally!”
    Some pledges told the Yale Daily News that their branding was preceded by a physical beating. Said one: “By that time, my body was so numb [from the beatings] that the iron felt good, like a match was being held close to my body.” Bush, who was president of the fraternity, said that the resulting wound was “only a cigarette burn.” Or maybe enhanced pledging technique.
   
The Voting System is Broken--and So are the Political Parties
The Big Fix
By Mike Whitney
 
    Last Friday Ohio's top election official, Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner issued a report concluding that the voting systems that decided the 2004 election in Ohio were rife with "critical security failures". The perpetrators were so cocksure they could pull it off that the servers for the computation of the Ohio vote count were in the same basement in Chattanooga, Tennessee that houses servers for the Republican National Committee. The programmers who (worked) for Ken Blackwell, the Republican Secretary of State, were Republicans who did websites for the Bush administration.
     So why do we keep throwing billions of dollars down a black hole just to maintain this pathetic charade that fools no one? This year every one of the leading candidates is a member of the Council on Foreign Relations. Every one of them is a "dual loyalist" with a globalist agenda. Every one of them accepts the new regime of curtailed civil liberties, endless war, and free trade. They're all part of the same corporate effluent that washed into Washington on a wave of special interest payola. They're all lacquer-hair phonies who've never had an original thought in their lives. Everything they think or say comes off a cue-card or teleprompter that flashes poll-tested, focus-group mumbo-jumbo. If a prospective candidate hasn't sworn his undying allegiance to the cabal of transnational corporations, or taken a blood-oath to defend the doctrine of unfettered self-aggrandizement, or pledged to carry out a bloodthirsty "economy-busting" global crusade; he is quickly banished to the wilderness. Just look at Ron Paul, who collected $6 million in donations in a matter of hours but still can't even get his picture in the papers. Why is that? It's because he hasn't sold his soul to the carpetbagging freebooters who run the system.
     The whole campaign extravaganza is a pointless farce. Why continue the deception? We all watched in 2000 while the majority five on the Supreme Court suspended the hand counting of ballots, overturned the ruling of the Florida Supreme Court, and awarded the election to their own Party's candidate. How is that any different than Blackwell's manipulations in Ohio? It's all the same. In fact, the 5 justices had so little regard for the intelligence of the American people they invoked the 14th amendment, the "equal protection" clause, which had never been used other than in cases of racial discrimination. They didn't care. Who was going to stop them? Can you imagine the peals of laughter that must have rung-out from the right-wing think tanks after that ruling?
     What part of the body-politic has been spared the cancerous ravages of corporate corruption. The entire system is marinated in a culture of violence and dishonesty. The real difference between the parties is minuscule but significant. The Democrats have become the party of traditional imperialism spearheaded by Brzezinski, Holbrooke, Albright and the other guardians of Empire. These are the master-puppeteers who operate behind the scenes for the real powerbrokers. Their focus is mainly on Central Asia; controlling resources from the Caspian Basin, "pacifying" Afghanistan, rallying the EU to a greater role in NATO, and continuing the apocryphal "war on terror" into infinity. The Republican Party has become the party of neoconservatives. Their operational plan is "A Clean Break: A New Strategy for Securing the Realm". It aligns the US with the foreign policy objectives of Israel's Likud Party. The focus is balkanizing the Middle East, undermining Arab nationalism, installing US-Israeli client regimes, and controlling the regions prodigious natural resources. It is a straightforward strategy for regional hegemony. This is the real split between the parties, not the meaningless Democrat-Republican labels. Presently, the traditional imperialists have regained the upper-hand because the Bush bandwagon has swerved off the road and into the ditch.
     What's important for voters is that neither party has any intention of restoring the Bill of Rights, slowing the outsourcing of jobs, or abandoning the war on terror.
 
Mike Whitney lives in Washington state. He can be reached at: fergiewhitney@msn.com





Descendants of Sitting Bull, Crazy Horse break away from US

    The Lakota Indians, who gave the world legendary warriors Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse, have withdrawn from treaties with the United States, leaders said Wednesday.
     "We are no longer citizens of the United States of America and all those who live in the five-state area that encompasses our country are free to join us," long-time Indian rights activist Russell Means told a handful of reporters and a delegation from the Bolivian embassy, gathered in a church in a run-down neighborhood of Washington for a news conference.
     A delegation of Lakota leaders delivered a message to the State Department on Monday, announcing they were unilaterally withdrawing from treaties they signed with the federal government of the United States, some of them more than 150 years old.
     They also visited the Bolivian, Chilean, South African and Venezuelan embassies, and will continue on their diplomatic mission and take it overseas in the coming weeks and months, they told the news conference.
     Lakota country includes parts of the states of Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana and Wyoming.
     The new country would issue its own passports and driving licenses, and living there would be tax-free -- provided residents renounce their US citizenship, Means said.
     The treaties signed with the United States are merely "worthless words on worthless paper," the Lakota freedom activists say on their website.
     The treaties have been "repeatedly violated in order to steal our culture, our land and our ability to maintain our way of life," the reborn freedom movement says.
     Withdrawing from the treaties was entirely legal, Means said.
     "This is according to the laws of the United States, specifically article six of the constitution," which states that treaties are the supreme law of the land, he said.
     "It is also within the laws on treaties passed at the Vienna Convention and put into effect by the US and the rest of the international community in 1980. We are legally within our rights to be free and independent," said Means.
     The Lakota relaunched their journey to freedom in 1974, when they drafted a declaration of continuing independence -- an overt play on the title of the United States' Declaration of Independence from England.
     Thirty-three years have elapsed since then because "it takes critical mass to combat colonialism and we wanted to make sure that all our ducks were in a row," Means said.
     One duck moved into place in September, when the United Nations adopted a non-binding declaration on the rights of indigenous peoples -- despite opposition from the United States, which said it clashed with its own laws.
     "We have 33 treaties with the United States that they have not lived by. They continue to take our land, our water, our children," Phyllis Young, who helped organize the first international conference on indigenous rights in Geneva in 1977, told the news conference.
     The US "annexation" of native American land has resulted in once proud tribes such as the Lakota becoming mere "facsimiles of white people," said Means.
     Oppression at the hands of the US government has taken its toll on the Lakota, whose men have one of the shortest life expectancies -- less than 44 years -- in the world.
     Lakota teen suicides are 150 percent above the norm for the United States; infant mortality is five times higher than the US average; and unemployment is rife, according to the Lakota freedom movement's website.
     "Our people want to live, not just survive or crawl and be mascots," said Young.
     "We are not trying to embarrass the United States. We are here to continue the struggle for our children and grandchildren," she said, predicting that the battle would not be won in her lifetime.

Agence France-Presse -
  
The Rapists at Halliburton
#1

Halliburton raped the country when their stock rose astronomically with no-bid government contracts.

#2

    A US woman who said she was raped by US contractors in Iraq testified in Congress on Wednesday, telling legislators that she was kept under armed guard in her trailer after reporting the incident.
    Jamie Leigh Jones, now 23, said that she was gang raped inside the Baghdad Green Zone in July 2005 while she was working for the Halliburton subsidiary KBR Inc, which has support contracts with the US military.
    The US Department of Justice failed to send an attorney to the House of Representatives sub-committee hearing, which Democrat John Conyers blasted as "outrageous" and "unacceptable."
    Jones told committee members that on her fourth day in Baghdad some co-workers, who she described as Halliburton-KBR firefighters, invited her for a drink. "I took two sips from the drink and don't remember anything after that," she said.
    The next morning Jones woke up groggy and confused, and with a sore chest and blood between her legs. She reported the incident to KBR and was examined by an army doctor, who confirmed she had been repeatedly raped vaginally and anally.
    The doctor took photographs, made notes, and handed all the evidence over to KBR personnel.
    "The KBR security then took me to a trailer and then locked me in a room with two armed guards outside my door," Jones testified. "I was imprisoned in the trailer for approximately a day. One of the guards finally had mercy and let me use a phone."
    Jones called her father in Texas, who called his representative in Congress, Republican Ted Poe. Poe contacted the State Department, who quickly sent personnel to rescue Jones and flew her back to Texas.
    The rape was so brutal she is still undergoing reconstructive surgery, Jones said.


-Woman testifies she was raped by US contractors in Iraq -

On the National Affront
An inescapable year reaches its inevitable conclusion
By Barry Crimmins


    Could 2007 somehow have been avoided? Where does one begin to recap 12 months of such willful self-parody? Isn't it insulting to explain why, say, waterboarding is wrong, especially when one of the few people who needs this clarified is the new attorney general of the United States?
    Corporate and political hoodlums spent the year doing three things: planning crimes, committing crimes, and covering up crimes. If this is news to you, no summary will bring you up to speed. So here are just some highlights of 2007, because it would be cruel and indecent to make you remember it all.

Unreal estate

    This past year excised at least one bromide from motivational speakers rusty-saw collection that is, unless they shift gears on the fly and start telling us that whatever doesn't kill us only serves to make us weaker. Clearly, if you're reading this, you like a few million other schmos just trying to keep body and soul in proximity survived, despite being sandwiched between poverty and the evermore obscenely wealthy cadre of oligarchs who create it.
    Americans still dream in dollar signs, but the super rich lack the conscience to dream at all. So the rest of us ended up scrambling after a monetary unit that is no longer the envy of even Canadians. A land of people who once had good jobs with good benefits has now become a place where corporate behemoths slowly squeeze us for everything that was ours including our very homes.
    Mortgages too good to be true, peddled by swindlers too bad to be truthful, led to domiciles being repossessed like there was no tomorrow for the people living in them, anyway. How were you to know that, when you mortgaged your soul to a predatory lender, it would end up being owned by Bob Jones University?
    If the credit hustlers didn't dispossess us, we still had to worry about having a health-care racketeer tell us that our home, when liquidated, should be enough to cover the co-pay for our first course of meds. The most important American film of 2007 was Michael Moore's Sicko, a work so entertainingly stark that it left us blankly grinning at the boundless inhumanity of corporate avarice.

Read the rest here.


404 moment - New Medical Slang

    DOCTORS have always used a tribal vocabulary to communicate between themselves, but now their secret lingo is been enriched by the electronic media and urban slang.
Paul Keeley, a consultant in the department of palliative medicine at Glasgow Royal Infirmary in Scotland wrote to the weekly British Medical Journal a sample of new words that British doctors use among themselves.
    They include:
  •  Disco biscuits: The clubbers' drug ecstasy. As in: "The man in cubicle three looks like he's taken one too many disco biscuits.''
  • Hasselhoff: Term for any patient who shows up in the emergency room with an injury for which there is a bizarre explanation. Source: Baywatch actor David Hasselhoff, who hit his head on a chandelier while shaving. The broken glass severed four tendons and and an artery in his right arm.
  • Agnostication: A substitute for prognostication. Term used to the describe the usually vain attempt to answer the question: "How long have I got, doc?''
  • Blamestorming: Apportioning of blame after the wrong leg or kidney is removed or some other particularly egregious foul-up happens.
  • 404 moment: The point in a doctor's ward round when medical records cannot be located. Comes from internet error message, "404 - document not found.''
  • Testiculation: Description of a gesture typically used by hospital consultant "when holding forth on subject on which he or she has little knowledge". Gesture is of an upturned hand with outstretched fingers pointed upwards, clutching an invisible pair of testicles.
    Other slang used by doctors, according to past letters to the BMJ, include UBI (for "Unexplained Beer Injury''), PAFO ("Pissed And Fell Over'') and Code Brown, or a faecal incontinence emergency.
    CTD means "Circling The Drain'', GPO signifies "Good for Parts Only'' and "Rule of Five'' means that if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance.
    A patient who is "giving the O-sign'' is very sick, lying with his mouth open. This is followed by the "Q-sign'' - when the tongue hangs out of the mouth - when the patient becomes terminal.
    As for genetic quirks or inbreeding, FLK means "Funny Looking Kid'' and NFN signifies "Normal For Norfolk,'' a rural English county.
    General practitioners may use LOBNH ("Lights On But Nobody Home'') or the impressively bogus Oligoneuronal to mean someone who is thick.
    But they also have a somewhat poetic option: "Pumpkin positive'' refers to the idea that a person's brain is so tiny that a penlight shone into their mouth will make their empty head gleam like a Halloween pumpkin.

Agence France-Presse -

The Drew Carey Project

Redevelopment: A Tale of Two Cities

    Reason.tv host Drew Carey revisits the problem of eminent domain abuse following up on his earlier video, National City: Eminent Domain Gone Wild.  
    The City of Los Angeles used eminent domain to take a popular Hollywood bar and numerous other small businesses so that the city could hand the land over to private developers planning to build a W hotel and million-dollar condos.  Fortunately, there's a better way to revitalize neighborhoods. In contrast to Hollywood, Mayor Curt Pringle of nearby Anaheim has found a way to encourage redevelopment by working cooperatively with property owners, without using the power of eminent domain.

 

 

What if everything you thought about the environmental movement was wrong?


Take Our Poll


Precedential Candidate of the Week


    Which Wolf Are We Feeding? I have good news. There will indeed be peace on earth. Whether we humans are around to enjoy it is up to us. Because we have free choice. There is the story of the Native American grandfather who tells his grandson about two wolves fighting inside of him. One is the wolf of love and peace, the other the wolf of fear and warfare. Which wolf will win, grandfather? asks the boy. Whichever one I feed, the grandfather replies.
    Humanifest Destiny Right now, we have two dueling dualities offering opposing worldviews: Original Sin vs. Humanifest Destiny. There are those who insist that humans are natural born losers who can only be saved by the Grace of God. Others who believe in the human potential movement insist that despite all the contrary evidence, we do indeed have the potential to be human. Since I myself am a happy medium, I come down squarely in the middle. I believe in creationism and in evolution, that God created us humans with the ability to evolve in consciousness. Otherwise, Jesus would have said, Now don't do a thing till I return. Instead, he (and all of the other great spiritual teachers) instructed us to Love Thy Neighbor and live by the Golden Rule.
    Thrival, Not Survival So we get to choose which reality we feed. We can live our love, or live our fear. We can play what R. Buckminster Fuller called the World Game using our resources and imagination to create a world that works for everyone or continue down the familiar path of I win/you lose and end up playing the End-of-the World-Game. Survival? Been there, done that. Our spiritual teachings not to mention common sense tell us that we humans are destined for something better thrival. E Pluribus Unum Time to get our World Game faces on, folks. Time to apply ourselves to a goal bigger than us, and choose a game worthy of REAL human intelligence. America has a powerful motto: E Pluribus Unum out of many, One. The complete thrival of all the individual cells of the body politic making one healthy whole. Free individuals pursuing their happiness while using the Golden Rule as an operating principle to improve reality. Who needs a bailout from above? This is do-it-yourself home planet improvement supply-side spirituality!
    But Seriously, Folks . . . After all the philosophy, the religion, the soul-searching, does it really come down to Its either you or me?
    Is this what our spiritual teachings teach us?
    Is this the best we humans can do?
    What if all the people in the world took a vote, and did what all the religions of the world in principle have been imploring us to do for millennia: No killing. No stealing. No false witness. What if we started with just these three, okay?
    We can see how we do with these, and if we feel the need to add on any more basic rules, fine. But right now, just these three. How many people worldwide would vote to uphold and practice those three? How many would say, No! We want to continue killing? Good. That makes things a lot easier. Lets find these people, gather them on a remote island, and put US out of their misery...
    We believe in supply-side spirituality, so here is the spiritual bottom line: We are either feeding the wolf of love, or the wolf of fear. Good news. The human impulse toward love is stronger than it is to fear. Otherwise, these songs might have made the Top 40: All You Need is Fear Fear Is a Many-Splendored Thing She Fears You, Yeah Yeah Yeah Life Is FUNdamentally Fun Yes, the lines have been drawn between FUNdamentalism (accent on fun) and fundaMENTALism (accent on mental). Do we extend the Right to Laugh to everyone and pray for the happiness of all beings, or do we insist that only we are going to heaven, and everyone else can go to hell?
    FundaMENTALism FUNdamentalism Heaven is above us vs. Heaven is where we make it. Our way is the One Way vs. One way? Do not enter. Frown upon laughing vs. Laugh upon frowning Armageddon & Judgment Day vs. Disarmageddon & Nonjudgment Day They stone you vs. they get stoned on their own. Now the good news is, you can indeed teach an old dogma new tricks. In fact, you can even teach your dogma to heal! Each and every religion, no matter how dark its history, can be part of the Pluribus that adds up to Unum. My guru, Harry Cohen Baba, the Garment Center Saint, was Jewish, had a Hindu ashram, and prayed to Buddha and Jesus. He explained, Listen, any of these could be right. So why put all your begs in one askit?
    Blisskrieg Declared: All Out Peace! Here is more good news: God is bigger than religion. So, even when religion doesn't work, prayer still does. You know the old saying, Why throw the Baby Jesus out with the bathwater? That is why we have launched a blisskrieg and declared all out peace. Yes, all of the inner peace we have been cultivating all these years, time to let it all out. This is the piecemeal approach to peace. A little peace here, a little peace there, and pretty soon you've got one big peace everywhere.
    How to Create Disarmageddon Instead of Armageddon Imagine, as Bucky Fuller maintained, that we are all passengers and crew on Spaceship Earth. Wouldn't it make sense for all of us to pray for the success of our Mission? That is what the blisskrieg is, sending waves of love and light to elevate everyone everywhere. Even atheists can send out good vibes. So what if they don't believe in God? God still believes in them. There is the Buddhist practice of tonglen,where you breathe in the pain of the world, and breathe out love. Just as trees take in carbon dioxide and re-oxygenate the air, our prayers can raise the esteem of people everywhere and all this rising esteem will undoubtedly improve the atmosphere! And if you feel like you don't have a prayer, try these: May the light of loving laughter radiate out to illuminate darkness everywhere, especially those poorly lit corridors of power. May truth emerge from its hiding places, and healing balance be restored to every cell in the body politic. May every born feed-us enjoy the right to laugh, and may freedom ring in the sound of every child's laughter. But Seriously, Folks . . . What if we practiced the one fun fundamental all religions preach? What if we enrolled in a One-Step Program to experience Oneness? Step One? Actually practice the Golden Rule. One for all, and all for One. And once we've enrolled ourselves, lets become enrolling stones and enroll all of our government and public institutions to follow the Golden Rule. No killing, no stealing, and no perjury. What if each corporation had to hire an ombuddhasman to make sure theyre doing everything by the Golden Rulebook? What do we have to lose? In other words, why not go for heaven on Earth just for the hell of it?

Exerpted from Swami for Precedent: A 7-Step Plan to Heal the Body Politic and Cure Electile Dysfunction. Order your copy here.

"Set the precedent, and the President will follow."
- Swami Beyondananda -




The Washington Posts winning submissions to its 2007 contest
in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words


  1. Coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  3. Abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
  6. Negligent, adj. absent-mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  7. Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle, n. a humorous question onan exam.
  12. Rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
  14. Oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  16. Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
   

George Carlin on Who Owns this Country


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Surely you can't live without a bobblehead Jesus. (Only $7.50!)
Don't Take Our Word for It

"The most brilliant propagandist technique will yield no success unless one fundamental principle is borne in mind constantly - it must confine itself to a few points and repeat them over and over... Think of the press as a great keyboard on which the government can play."
- Joseph Goebbels -

    "While the United States has long imported oil and other raw materials from the third world, we used to import manufactured goods mainly from other rich countries like Canada, European nations and Japan.
    "But recently we crossed an important watershed: we now import more manufactured goods from the third world than from other advanced economies. That is, a majority of our industrial trade is now with countries that are much poorer than we are and that pay their workers much lower wages.
    "For the world economy as a whole and especially for poorer nations growing trade between high-wage and low-wage countries is a very good thing. Above all, it offers backward economies their best hope of moving up the income ladder.
    "But for American workers the story is much less positive. In fact, its hard to avoid the conclusion that growing U.S. trade with third world countries reduces the real wages of many and perhaps most workers in this country. And that reality makes the politics of trade very difficult."
- Paul Krugman: Trouble With Trade -

    "What happened to the good ol American notion of the common good the idea that were all in this together, trying to build a strong, unified society by fairly sharing the economic gains that all of us help produce?
    "Oh, sure, we've always had the rich and the poor, but at least we've tried in the past to narrow that gap, recognizing that a cohesive democratic society a morally secure society is dependent on maintaining both a vibrant middle class and a broad perception of fairness. Today, the Powers That Be both corporate and governmental have abandoned all pretense of shared sacrifice, shared gains, and a shared future. The very, very rich are being made ever and ever richer, and they are sailing blithely away from the rest of us, no longer moored to Americas egalitarian ideals.
    "The latest indicator of this extreme change in our nations guiding ethic comes from faireconomy.org, which analyzes CEO pay, perks, and pensions. Their latest survey finds that the chieftans of Fortune 500 corporations averaged $10.8 million each in pay in 2006 more than 364 times the annual paychecks of the average U.S. worker! On top of this, CEOs salted away an average of $1.3 million in pension gains in 2006, and they averaged another $438,000 in such freebies as personal travel on corporate jets, country club fees, and even corporate payment of their taxes."
 
"Who wants status? You've got status, you've got strings. You've got strings, you're a puppet. Who wants to be a puppet?"
- Buz: Route 66 -
 
"By love they will quench the fire of hate,
by wisdom the fire of delusion.
Those supreme ones extinguish delusion
with wisdom that breaks through to truth."
- Buddha -

"War is just a racket. A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of people. Only a small inside group knows what it is about. It is conducted for the benefit of the very few at the expense of the masses."
- Major General Smedley Butler, USMC -
    "Seven people were injured on Thursday when Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests came to blows in a dispute over how to clean the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. Following the Christmas celebrations, Greek Orthodox priests set up ladders to clean the walls and ceilings of their part of the church, which is built over the site where Jesus Christ is believed to have been born.
    "But the ladders encroached on space controlled by Armenian priests, according to photographers who said angry words ensued and blows quickly followed.
    "For a quarter of an hour bearded and robed priests laid into each other with fists, brooms and iron rods while the photographers who had come to take pictures of the annual cleaning ceremony recorded the whole event.
    "A dozen unarmed Palestinian policemen were sent to try to separate the priests, but two of them were also injured in the unholy melee."
 
    "New technology that can make tanks invisible has been unveiled by the Ministry of Defence.
    "In secret trials last week, the Army said it had made a vehicle completely disappear and predicted that an invisible tank would be ready for service by 2012.
    "The new technology uses cameras and projectors to beam images of the surrounding landscape onto a tank.
The result is that anyone looking in the direction of the vehicle only sees what is beyond it and not the tank itself.
    "A soldier, who was at the trials, said: 'This technology is incredible. If I hadn't been present I wouldn't have believed it. I looked across the fields and just saw grass and trees - but in reality I was staring down the barrel of a tank gun.'"
- Army tests James Bond style tank that is 'invisible' -
    "The Iraqi government announcement that monthly food rations will be cut by half has left many Iraqis asking how they can survive.
    "The government also wants to reduce the number of people depending on the rationing system by five million by June 2008.
    "Iraq's food rations system was introduced by the Saddam Hussein government in 1991 in response to the UN economic sanctions. Families were allotted basic foodstuffs monthly because the Iraqi Dinar and the economy collapsed.
    "The sanctions, imposed after Saddam Hussein ordered the invasion of Kuwait, were described as 'genocidal' by Denis Halliday, then UN humanitarian coordinator in Iraq. Halliday quit his post in protest against the U.S.-backed sanctions.
    "The sanctions killed half a million Iraqi children, and as many adults, according to the UN. They brought malnutrition, disease, and lack of medicines. Iraqis became nearly completely reliant on food rations for survival. The programme has continued into the U.S.-led occupation.
    "But now the U.S.-backed Iraqi government has announced it will halve the essential items in the ration because of 'insufficient funds and spiralling inflation.'
    "The cuts, which are to be introduced in the beginning of 2008, have drawn widespread criticism. The Iraqi government is unable to supply the rations with several billion dollars at its disposal, whereas Saddam Hussein was able to maintain the programme with less than a billion dollars."
- Ahmed Ali and Dahr Jamail: IRAQ: Saddam Provided More Food Than the U.S. -
 
    "The Pope has ordered his bishops to set up exorcism squads to tackle the rise of Satanism.
    "Vatican chiefs are concerned at what they see as an increased interest in the occult.
    "They have introduced courses for priests to combat what they call the most extreme form of 'Godlessness.'
    "Each bishop is to be told to have in his diocese a number of priests trained to fight demonic possession.
    "The initiative was revealed by 82-year-old Father Gabriele Amorth, the Vatican 'exorcist-in-chief,' to the online Catholic news service Petrus.
    "'Thanks be to God, we have a Pope who has decided to fight the Devil head-on,' he said."
- Nick Pisa: Pope's exorcist squads will wage war on Satan -

"There is never a need to outrun anything you can outwit!"
- Garfield -

"Only solitary men know the full joys of friendship. Others have their family; but to a solitary and an exile, his friends are everything."
- Willa Cather -
 
"Solitude vivifies; isolation kills."
- Joseph Roux -
 
"We are rarely proud when we are alone."
- Voltaire -

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
- Arthur C. Clarke -

"If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger."
- Frank Lloyd Wright -
 
"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of congress; but I repeat myself."
- Mark Twain -

"I never let schooling interfere with my education."
- Mark Twain -

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
- Aristotle -

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald -

"Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it."
- M. Scott Peck -

"He who angers you conquers you."
- Elizabeth Kenny -

"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."
- Chinese Proverb -

"Beware the fury of a patient man."
- John Dryden -

"He who joyfully marches in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice."
- Albert Einstein -

"A modern democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what it is you want to hear."
- Alan Coren -

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."
- Judy Garland -

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
- e.e. cummings -

“I recently bought a teddy bear for $10 and named it Mohammed. I sold it at the weekend for $20. Have I made a prophet?”
- Nick Oliva -
 
“Words are vehicles that can transport us from the drab sands to the dazzling stars”
- M. Robert Syme -

“I’d kill for a Nobel peace prize.”
- Steven Wright -

Don't Let This Happen to You

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