Despite his active social life, he's actually a loner and a cynic. At a critic's screening of some tearjerker, the whole audience is crying during the big death scene except for Michael who is snickering while typing insults into his laptop computer. He attends the party afterwards, scarfing canapes, trying to pick up women, and belittling everybody who doesn't think he's a genius.

 That night, he gets home to his outrageously sloppy bachelor pad, throws his clothes in a pile on the floor, and listens to his messages. There are several from girls he has promised to call back. He doesn't. He tunes on the TV to an old movie, turns on his computer, pops a beer, and settles down for another night of writing.
 There is a knock at the door. It is JOEY, a beautiful woman who looks bedraggled and down on her luck. She has all her belongings with her in a duffel bag, plus a six month old baby boy in a chest carrier. She tells Michael that the child is his, that she has named him Michael Dare, and that she is broke and homeless. He reluctantly lets her in.
 Joey is clearly disturbed, paranoid, and indigent, but Michael has to concede that he did sleep with her about a year and a half ago when she looked a hell of a lot better. Despite numerous misgivings, he gives the two of them the sofa for a night.

 The next morning he is angry beyond comprehension, lashing out at Joey and the baby as sharply as he lashes out at B movies. But when Joey leaves the baby with him in the bed while showering, he has his first experience of a real baby. The baby does pull-ups on Michael's thumbs, bites him on the nose, and giggles when tickled on the bellybutton. As they play together, Michael has an extraordinary change of heart. He digs the baby, and completely bonds with his son. It's a life changing, heart wrenching experience. They're pals for life.

 For two erratic days, Michael is fascinated by little Michael, and bewildered by Joey's schizophrenic behavior. One minute she's sexy and loving, the next minute she's screaming at him for getting her pregnant, then abandoning her and the child. She won't tell Michael where she's been for the past year and a half.

 Michael goes into the Weekly to pick up his new assignments. He tells his nervous, workaholic, feminist editor, HELEN, about his surprise fatherhood, but she is unimpressed by his confession. He asks for less assignments that week. She gives him more.

 When Michael's best friend LEWIS, an aging stand-up comic, drops by, Joey accuses him of conspiring against her. She threatens Lewis with a knife, then locks herself in the bathroom and runs the shower for hours. Lewis explains that he always has that effect on women. He asks Michael if he's sure the baby is his. Michael isn't certain. Lewis explains that a paternity test can be done with hair. Later, Michael sneaks into the bathroom and starts collecting Joey's hair from the shower drain.

 Michael takes little Michael to visit his mother, CHARLOTTE, a fiery old radical who is always chiding Michael about his lack of political commitment. He asks her whether she thinks the baby is his. She shows him one of his baby pictures. They look exactly alike. His mother now chides him for his lack of emotional commitment.

 The next morning, Joey and Michael take little Michael to a pediatric appointment at UCLA Children's Hospital. Joey starts out manic, explaining that she and Michael are now living together and outrageously happy. Then she becomes depressive and paranoid at some routine question asked by the pediatrician. Joey's behavior is so extreme that the head of psychiatry is summoned, and Michael is taken into the next room for questioning. They inform him that Joey had another child several years ago that was taken away by the state, who found her to be an unfit mother. Michael is not surprised. Meanwhile, Joey freaks out in front of the psychiatrists, accusing Michael of trying to steal her child. Joey is committed to a mental hospital, and dragged away by two men in white coats while screaming threats at Michael. Moments later, little Michael is taken away by Children's Services. Big Michael is left alone.

ACT TWO

 Michael visits the baby in the Children's Services group home - a functional, dreary place with rows of bawling babies behind barred cribs. Michael refers to it as baby prison. He's told there will be a hearing in three days. He's still not absolutely certain that the child is his, but knows the baby would be better off with him than in foster care. He vows to spring the tyke from prison.

 Joey is given a series of routine psychiatric tests. The doctors decide she isn't dangerous, so three days later, she is released from the hospital to attend the hearing. She is steaming mad.

 At the hearing, Michael sits in back. He tries to remain inconspicuous, but he can't help but notice that the judge, the lawyers, and all the clerks are women. He's the only man in the room. When the case is called, Joey asks for her baby back, but due to the hospital reports, the judge refuses to release the baby to her. The judge is about to get on to the next case when Michael quickly stands up, raises his hand, says "Excuse me," and claims the child as his own. The court is startled to see a man do such a thing. He shows them the baby pictures. Joey screams that he's not the father, anybody could be the father. The judge is not impressed by this outburst. She orders a paternity test, and decides to send a social worker to check both of them out before making a decision. Another hearing is set for a week away.

 Michael gets to throw away his hair collection as the court-ordered paternity test is done with blood samples. The child turns out to be his.

 Michael attempts to baby proof the house, but has no idea what he's doing. It is hard to hide his bachelor idiosyncrasies from RHONDA, the black straight-laced social worker who visits. She takes an immediate dislike to Michael.

 Meanwhile, Joey is living with her mother, JOANNA, in an isolated trailer in the desert. Joanna is truly frightening, a deeply disturbed woman who passed down her madness to her daughter. Joey and Joanna have a strange love/hate relationship. Joanna screams that Joey should have never had another baby. After all, she had to give the last one to distant relatives. Joey screams that she hates it here, hates her mother, and wishes she was dead. It's clear that her life is even more disorganized than Michael's.

 When Rhonda shows up for a visit, however, they put on a convincing act of a loving mother and daughter. Joanna assures Rhonda that little Michael would find a loving home there.

 At the next hearing, Rhonda recommends the child be released to neither Michael nor Joey. Despite the social worker's trepidations, the judge is impressed by Michael, who seems to be the exact opposite of a "deadbeat" dad. She releases the baby to Michael, granting him temporary custody and Joey monitored visits. She orders them back in six months for a permanency hearing.

 Michael picks up his son from baby prison, putting him in a newly purchased car seat. The workers at the shelter give him a box of baby items, including diapers, clothes, and a strange rubber device that resembles a turkey baster. He shudders, tosses the box in the back seat, and drives away. He swears a lifelong commitment to the child.

 Meanwhile, Joey is back with her mother. They both swear revenge.

ACT THREE

 Michael's life is turned upside down. Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll are replaced by Raffi and diapers 'n' formula. He is exhausted and exhilarated. He reads parenting books, stops smoking cigarettes, and won't let anyone light up around the baby. His whole life is centered around his son, whom he starts calling BUSTER to end the confusion of their having the same name. Though Charlotte and Lewis agree to baby-sit, he starts taking Buster with him everywhere: to an interview with a movie star, to a screening, to an editorial session at the newspaper. His social life becomes non-existent. His editor, Helen, is upset about missed deadlines. She berates him for letting this baby business influence his work. Despite all these problems, Michael is happier than he has ever been in his life.

 Joey's court ordered visits are cold and irrational. She uses the opportunity less to spend time with her son and more to insult and degrade Michael. She's totally incapable of even the simplest tasks, waking the sleeping baby by lifting him out of the crib, then getting angry at him when he won't go back to sleep. She talks one moment about settling down and raising a family, the next minute hissing that Michael better watch his back. She is violent and unstable, but obviously hurt and broken up over the loss of her child. Michael suggests she get psychiatric care, but she rejects the idea, claiming he's the one who needs help. She follows him everywhere, leaving lipstick kisses on his windows as she spies through them, leaving long rambling messages on his answer machine.

 One afternoon, Michael is at the computer, rushing to meet a deadline, when Buster crawls up to him, gagging. Buster is holding his throat and turning blue. Michael fights the urge to panic and tries to think. He pats the baby's back, turns him upside down and gently shakes him. Buster is still unable to breath. Michael searches down his throat, finding nothing. Buster stares at him, helpless, choking to death. Michael stares at his son, then snaps his fingers. He races into the closet and starts frantically searching through the box he got from the shelter. He finds the rubber turkey baster, squeezes the bulb, and forces it down Buster's throat. He releases the bulb and sucks out a leaf that came from a house plant Buster was chewing. Buster starts breathing again. Michael hugs his son, thankfully aware of how close it was.
 The phone rings and he hears Helen on the answer machine, shouting that she won't let him use the baby as an excuse this time, threatening to fire him if the article isn't in by 5:00. Michael ignores the message and rocks his son to sleep.

 At the permanency hearing, Joey once again alienates the judge with her strange behavior, shouting obscenities and racial slurs at Michael. The judge grants Michael complete legal and physical custody of Buster, warning him not to allow Joey to be alone with the child. Joey storms out of the courtroom while the judge is talking to her.

 Joey and her mother discuss ways to get Buster back. Joanna says she has a plan that will definitely work if Joey will just play along. She tells Joey to trust her, then begins to methodically beat her.

 On Buster's first birthday, he gets up in the morning, takes off his diaper, and starts exploring the courtyard naked. When Michael sees him, he quickly grabs his video camera and captures the precious moment on tape. Later, all his friends arrive for a party. They sing "Happy Birthday" to Buster surrounded by toys.

 One morning, Michael finds Joey waiting in his driveway with bruises all over her body. She jumps in front of his car as he pulls out into the street and gets knocked to the ground. Michael realizes she's not hurt and continues on to work. A neighbor responds to Joey's screams by calling the police. Joey tells the police that Michael has been beating her, and that he tried to run her over with the car. The neighbor backs her story of the car. Michael is arrested for assault with a deadly weapon.

 While Michael languishes in jail, Joey loots his house, taking an odd assortment of knickknacks, including all his home video tapes. She then takes off for the desert with Buster.

ACT FOUR

 Lewis posts bail and Michael is released from jail. He confronts Joey and Joanna in the desert. Joanna swears at him for trying to kill her daughter. She says she'll kill Michael and the boy before she'll let Michael raise him. Joey is confused. She pulls Michael outside and confesses that she still loves him, that she'll always love him. She says she hates living with her mother but isn't strong enough to break free. She offers to drop the assault charges if Michael will let her return with him to L.A. and try to live together as a family. Michael reluctantly agrees. They both grab the baby and drive off to the sound of Joanna's screams.

 Home life at the Dares makes "Married with Children" look like "Ozzie and Harriet." Joey is the world's worst mom. Her cooking is abysmal, her attention span infinitesimal. Her clothes hang from every doorknob in the house, and every single dish in the house is dirty. Michael cannot trust her, and is legally in jeopardy by allowing her to live with him. She alienates all his friends, brushes off important business calls, fights with everybody, and generally makes Michael and Buster miserable. It becomes impossible for her to stay, but she won't go.

 One day, Buster falls down crying, and both Michael and Joey put out their arms to comfort him. Buster runs into his father's arms. This infuriates Joey, who screams that Buster is a selfish brat, just like his father. She says that her mother was right, that she never should have let Michael talk her into coming back. She packs her things and leaves, screaming that she hates them both and they deserve each other.

 Michael is contacted by the Sony Corporation who want him to write an article about a new home editing device they are marketing. Michael uses the device to put together an edited video of Buster's first birthday romp in his birthday suit. Now Buster is walking around the courtyard naked to Randy Newman's song "Beware of the Naked Man." It is charming. After the article is printed, a local TV station offers him a job as on-camera critic. After Helen bawls him out one more time, Michael delights in quitting his job at the Weekly.

 Three years pass in a montage of scenes:

 Michael's life narrows down to work and raising his son. Michael becomes a successful TV critic with his own show called "The Bottom Shelf."  Joey's life gradually improves as she gets a job in a clothing store and gets her own apartment, finally separate from Michael and her mother.

 Joey's sporadic appearances in Michael and Buster's life are angry and volatile. Buster is now a precocious four year old, who asks Michael why his mommy can't stay with them. "Because daddy hates mommy," Joey cries. Later, Michael tries to explain the situation to his son, but it's difficult. Yet all the difficulties are worth it when Buster curls up on his shoulder and goes to sleep, confident that his daddy will protect him from all harm.

 Michael takes Buster with him to the TV studio when he tapes his shows. Joanna sits in the desert and angrily watches Michael on television. One day, while reviewing a children's film, Michael brings Buster on the air with him, and explains how a home video of his son helped get him this job. Joanna stares at the screen, thinking. She remembers the tapes Joey brought with her from Michael's house. She digs through a box in the closet, finding the tape of "Beware of the Naked Man." She puts it in her VCR, and looks at little one-year-old Buster running naked around the courtyard. A strange glint comes to her eye.

 Joanna brings the tape to Rhonda at Children's Services. Rhonda agrees the tape is obscene, and reopens the case, deciding to charge Michael with child abuse for making pornographic tapes of his son.

 Rhonda appears at Michael's door the next morning with two police. She explains that charges have been made against him, and that a hearing is to be held in three days. In the meantime, Buster is to be taken once again into the custody of Children's Services. She refuses to tell him what the charges are or who made them, saying he'll find out in court. Michael is stunned. He tries to protest that nothing is wrong, but one of the cops locks eyes with him, saying that the child is leaving with them, immediately, one way or another.
 Buster is on the edge of panic. Michael steadies himself, smiles down at his son, and tells him that everything is okay, that he's going with these nice people for a little while. Michael can barely hold back his emotions as he puts on Buster's shoes and coat, then gets his special blanket from the bedroom. Buster starts to cry as Rhonda takes his hand and leads him away. Michael tries to follow, but a cop says it's better if he doesn't come with them. Michael stands in the doorway crying as they take his son away.

ACT FIVE

 Buster is placed in a group home in South Central, where he is the only white child. When he is questioned by Rhonda, he confesses to her that he has taken baths with his father and played on the bed with his father. This somehow confirms all her suspicions. Rhonda is convinced she's got a real child abuser on her hands.

 Michael can't believe this is happening. At the hearing, he rejects his court appointed lawyer's advice, and pleads with the judge to just look at the video tape. The judge says she trusts the judgement of Children's Services, and orders Michael into therapy and parenting classes. Joanna accuses him of being a drug addict, so the judge also orders him into drug counseling and testing.

 Michael can visit Buster for six hours, three times a week, and he never misses a day. When Buster was a baby, their separation wasn't nearly as traumatic. Now that Buster is four, he is completely aware of being taken from his daddy, and he is terrified. He says the bigger kids beat him up and take his toys. Michael is the only man who visits the group home, and he quickly becomes a substitute father to all the kids, who jump all over him. He plays with them, talks to them, and they all look forward to his visits. This raises Buster's prestige at the home, and makes Michael feel a little less helpless. Michael and Buster often burst into tears when the visits end. Michael is an emotional wreck.

 He is the ultimate softy. At a critic's screening of a Care Bears movie, the whole audience is nauseated except for Michael who can't stop weeping. His producers are nonplussed when, on camera, he declares the Care Bears movie to be a masterpiece.

 Michael is trapped in a Kafkaesque nightmare where you are guilty until proven innocent. He attends a parenting class where he sits in a circle of more than a dozen skinny, black, street wise, crack addict, welfare mothers. He is definitely the only white, well-fed, male, college educated film critic in the room. The teacher shows them how to put a condom on a banana.

 He tries to attend a drug counselling session, but they won't admit him unless he signs a paper admitting that he is an addict who has used drugs in the past six months. He refuses. They stick to their guns, and Michael leaves.

 Michael goes to a drug testing clinic where he has to pee into a plastic cup. He is followed into the bathroom by a gay Puerto Rican, JULIO, who must watch to verify he isn't cheating. He is pee shy.

 At the next hearing, Michael shows that he has passed all his drug tests, but the judge once again insists that Michael go through drug treatment before he can be granted overnight visits with his son.

 Michael goes back to the drug treatment center and begs to be admitted. They concede, and let him in without making him sign the confession.

 Michael's life becomes an endless succession of visits to South Central, visits to therapists, visits to drug councilors, visits to parenting classes, and visits to the bathroom with a plastic cup and Julio. In between, he tries to catch as many movies as possible.

 Michael has trouble sleeping in the empty house. He keeps waking to the sound of Buster's voice, then is crushed to find him gone. The strain shows at work. He misses appointments and can't focus on his job. An unidentified woman calls Michael's producer and threatens to create a scandal if that child molester isn't taken off the air. Michael admits the truth to his boss, who reluctantly fires him rather than allow the story to go public. Michael now has to search for work among his other activities. He borrows money from his mother to live on.

 Meanwhile, Joey gets her life together. She has a job and a home. She even gets into therapy, where she admits that most of her psychological problems derive from the treatment she received from her mother while growing up. She looks more and more like a rational human being and a viable parent. She is making more money than Michael and her house is tidy, whereas Michael's life is getting more and more on the edge. He looks like he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

 At the next hearing, Joanna and Joey show up with a high-priced lawyer. They've convinced him to take the case pro-bono because a grave injustice is being done. Michael shows up with a fellow film critic who testifies that the tape is not obscene. The tape is finally thrown out as evidence, but the very fact that Michael was admitted into drug treatment is now used as evidence against him. "Your honor," says Rhonda, "he has been admitted into a clinic that only accepts drug addicts." Joanna's attorney then submits a petition to the court that Buster be released to Joanna. Joey stares at Michael and her mother, unsure of who to trust. Michael pleads for overnight visits. Despite the objections of Rhonda, Joey, and Joanna, the judge agrees, and bestows overnight visits.

 The overnight visits are wonderfully healing, but each time it is more difficult to take Buster back. Buster is strip searched for bruises before and after every visit. Michael points out that there are always more bruises on Buster's body when he picks him up than when he brings him back. Nobody does anything. Buster purposely prolongs every return, unable to comprehend why he can't stay with his daddy. He even tries to smuggle a wire coat hanger back to the group home to protect himself from the bigger kids. This tears Michael's heart.

 Michael takes Buster for a visit to the woods where they stay in a cabin. They spend a glorious weekend climbing rocks, wading through streams, and chasing animals. Buster begs his daddy not to bring him back to the group home. Michael explains that if he doesn't bring Buster back, they will have to spend the rest of their lives as fugitives. Michael realizes that he has no job, no friends, no life at all separate from his son, whom he has to watch get abused every day by the system. The idea of living the rest of his life on the run with his son starts seeming preferable to living one more day of this torture. It starts raining. Michael uses the weather as an excuse not to return his son.

ACT SIX

 A few days later, Michael and Buster come out of the woods for supplies. Michael calls his mother and gets no answer. He finally calls Joey to tell her what he has done. Despite all their problems, he realizes that Joey loves Buster, and he doesn't want her to worry. She tells him that she has already been contacted by Rhonda, who is ready to press charges against him for kidnapping. She also tells him that his mother has had a stroke and is in the hospital. He can't just disappear if he ever wants to see her again. What is he going to do, spend the rest of his life doing an imitation of Dr. Richard Kimble? Besides, the final hearing is only another couple of weeks away.

 As much as he hates to admit it, Joey is the voice of reason. He reluctantly returns Buster to the group home.

 Michael goes to visit his mother in the hospital. He is a wreck, and so is she. She's lost her ability to speak, so he brings out his laptop computer for her to type in. The first thing she types is "How is Buster?" He makes up a lie to spare her the pain of the truth. Buster is fine. He's in daycare, and he'll bring him by to visit soon. Michael needs to borrow more money, but it's clear his mother is in no condition to help him.

 Joey shows up at the hospital to offer her condolences. She admits to Michael that she still loves him, and that she's sorry the way things have worked out. It's also hard on her to see Buster suffer. Now that she's gotten her act together, it's really up for grabs who the judge will give Buster to. She tells Michael that if she gets Buster, she would never stop him from visiting. It is little consolation for his current life of misery.

 It's finally the day of the hearing. Joanna and her lawyer have built a strong case against Michael, and cite the recent "kidnapping" as further proof that he's unfit to raise Buster. Michael pleads with the judge for understanding. He shows the drawings from Buster's body checks, explaining that the only time his son was ever abused was while he was in the care of Children's Services. He was just trying to protect his son from more harm.
 The judge is rightfully confused by all the conflicting testimony. She has to rely heavily upon the recommendation of Children's Services, and Rhonda is adamantly against giving Michael custody of the child. The judge asks whether there is any reason why the child should not be released to the grandmother.
 Joey looks at her mother, then stands up and admits the truth about her childhood, that her mother abused her physically and sexually as a child, that she is a pervert, and that she actually beat her with a baseball bat, and sold her into prostitution when she was a teenager. Joanna screams for her to shut up, but she won't. Joey raves on about her mother's perversions, about how she delights in beating up her children. Joanna has had enough and actually attacks Joey, calling her a liar, but proving with her actions that she's telling the truth. The court erupts into chaos. The judge bangs her gavel until everyone settled down.
 After weighing all the evidence, the judge finally awards Michael custody of his son, and Joanna is ordered to stay away from the child. Joey is once again given visitation.
 
ACT SEVEN

 Michael arrives at the group home. Buster says he's glad his daddy is visiting. Michael tells Buster that he's coming home for good this time, and he never has to come back again. They hug each other as all the other kids sadly watch.

 Michael pushes his mother through a lush, green, public park in a wheelchair. Buster and Joey walk beside him. He speaks in a voice over:

 "There wasn't much of a celebration. I had no job, no savings, few friends, an invalid mother who couldn't walk or talk, but after nine months of torture, at least I had my son back. I get along surprisingly well with Joey these days. She actually helps a lot in taking care of my mother."

 Joey smiles at him and takes over pushing the wheelchair so Buster and Michael can play catch.

 "There was no precise moment when the pain stopped. There were all the day to day pains of living to take the place of the single predominant pain that had occupied my life for so long. I don't have much to do these days, so we go to the park a lot. I've had a lot of fun in my life, done outrageous things, fulfilled lots of fantasies, indulged in all the Hollywood pleasures of sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll. But of all those pleasures, can you possibly believe me when I tell you that there is nothing I would rather be doing right now, absolutely nothing, than playing catch with my son?"

The sun sets behind Michael and Buster as they throw the ball back and forth.

A guitar starts playing.

George Harrison starts singing.

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the son
Here comes the son
and I say
it's all right...

Credits roll as Michael and Buster run around the park playing catch and laughing.
 

The treatment for Part II of The Bachelor's Baby.