Letters to Helen

Dear Helen,

RE: . "Liverpool Airport was renamed after John Lennon, narrowly beating out Bonny Bono."

It may not be his name on an airport, but Sonny has his face on a tree. 

Doug Molitor

Dear Helen,

I just crawled out from under my rock and moved to the desert (Cat City) and discovered your fantastic column in the Desert Post Weekly!  Kudos to you and admiration, too!!  Any chance of getting an autographed picture??  I have just the place on my Victrola to display it proudly.....

Thank you.

An ardent admirer,

Donn 

Dear Donn,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me, and glad you recognize the truth when you read it. Satan's a hunk and don't you forget. He does a lot of business in Hollywood but that doesn't mean his presence in the valley hasn't been noted. Let me see, how can we figure out which spa he owns? Could it be the one with the hottest water? Where do you think those minerals come from? The pulsating lava in the ravenous heart of the demon who dishes it out, that's who. You know who I'm talking about. The next time you see him, say hi.

Some say our relationship was more than business. Some are going to get their asses prodded with red hot tridents from a fiery furnace. I know what you're up to. When you ask for a signed photo, you just want to get a glimpse at that return address, maybe make a little phone call, one of those new area codes no one's heard of, the kind where they charge by the minute, only in this case the debit isn't against your credit card but the sands of time dripping away in the satanic hourglass of your soul. Only his majesty has the power to turn the hourglass over, give you more time. In exchange for what? Maybe my whereabouts? Sorry, Charlie, no autographs here. Just be glad you're getting the message at all.

And if I'm wrong, if you're just another schmuck looking to meet a hot chick who's picture you saw in the paper, then thank your lucky stars my friend because you've still got another stab at freedom.

If there's any advice I can personally pass along it's this. You're obviously deeply troubled. Why else would you step this close to the fire. At this point, I can only tell you the same thing I told Keanu Reeves; "DON'T SIGN ANYTHING!" But did he listen? No. Look where he is now. Going out with Charlize Theron. What could be worse than that?

I remain humbly and sincerely,

Your creature from Hell,

Helen 

Personal to Charlize: Good job.