Satan for President in 2008

Eliminate the Middleman

Satan for President
in 2008

My Platform

Don't Vote for billionaires backed by billionaires. I'm homeless, don't have a cent. Hell, I'm worse off than YOU are, and you know why? Because I haven't sold out to ANYBODY, that's why. Ain't no corporate strings behind me. With me, what you see is what you get.

Sell insurance by the gallon instead of by the year. Add an insurance tax to the price of gasoline and drivers will never have to deal with the DMV or car insurance companies again. Split the cost of the tax between the consumers and the providers. Everybody who drives will be automatically insured and registered. Those who drive the most will pay the most, and if you want to save money on your insurance, all you have to do is drive less. There would be NO MORE uninsured drivers. Period. Everyone who buys gas is automatically insured. No more monthly payments of hundreds of dollars. All it takes to be completely insured for the road is the price of a gallon of gas. No more arresting people for driving without insurance. The very fact you're driving means you bought gas which means you're insured. Police can focus on other things. Create a single monopoly out of the DMV and all the major insurance companies in which every single transaction is taken care of at the pump. Make the tax 100% earmarked to the bureaucracy that deals with payment of claims, which are all no-fault.

Get rid of Daylight Savings time and convert the entire United States to one single time zone. NO more Eastern, Central, and Western time. If a TV show is on at 9 PM, that's when it's on. If you take a cross continental flight that takes four hours and you take off at 7:00, you will land at 11:00 whether flying from L.A. to New York or New York to L.A. The only real cost? Bedtimes will be different on opposite coasts.
During winter months, some kids have to go to school in the dark. Here's the choice: a) During the winter, start those schools an hour later, or b) Make absolutely everybody in the whole country change all their clocks twice a year. The same geniuses responsible for Y2K must be the ones responsible for making (b) mandatory. Anybody think it's a good idea for us to have to change the time on our clocks, our watches, our cars, our VCRs, our computers, and our microwaves twice a year? Daylight savings time is certainly the stupidest waste of time ever foisted upon the American public. As your president, my first goal will be to get rid of it.

The Star Spangled Banner is the worst song I've ever heard. Our national anthem should be Woody Guthrie's This Land is Your Land.

They tax you when you earn it and they tax you when you spend it. Totally unfair. It should be one or the other. As your President, it will be my goal to totally abolish income tax and derive all government income from sales tax. With more money, people will spend more, paying more sales tax, so it'll all work out.

Only 10% of all tax revenue will go into a general fund to support the Federal Government. The rest will be earmarked towards goals that specifically apply to the item being taxed. Just as gasoline taxes will go into a fund supplying universal insurance for all motorists, tobacco taxes will go towards cancer research, food taxes will go to nutrition research, etc. That way people who drive the most will pay the most for car insurance and people who smoke the most will pay the most for cancer research. Eat a lot of ice cream? A portion of the money you spend will go towards lowering your cholesterol. This same logic will apply towards absolutely every consumer item.

Pardon everybody in jail for victimless crimes, including, but not limited to, prostitution, gambling, drug possession, and being Robert Downey Jr. I will tax prostitution, gambling, and drugs, using all the money for treatment programs designed to help people with problems concerning sex, gambling, and drugs.

Level the playing field by abolishing ALL political contributions. Period. Every campaign finance reform bill that has ever existed has done nothing more than limit the amount of the bribes that public officials are legally allowed to accept. It's got to stop. I will not only make it illegal for anyone to contribute anything to a political candidate, but also for political candidates to use their own money for their campaign. All political campaigns will be paid for entirely by the government, with each candidate receiving the exact same amount.

In order to guarantee they are working for the public's interest instead of their own, once elected, all government officials must immediately divest themselves of ANY stocks they may hold, putting their money into a standard savings account, just like the people they serve.

Absolutely every law on the books must prove its efficiency and be renewed every five years or it automatically goes bye-bye.

All prisons will be turned into farms where prisoners grow their own food and factories where they make their own clothes. Prisons, and prisoners, should be self-sufficient and no burden upon the taxpayer whatsoever. Teach sociopaths to work for a living.

Gun nut proponents of the 2nd amendment are right when they say that the amendment is meant to allow the citizenry to protect itself, not just from each other, but from the government. I'm Satan. If I become president, you're going to need protection from me.
As your president, I would abolish the death penalty in the United States and be the first signer of an international treaty that makes it illegal for ANY government to take the lives of its own citizens. If governments couldn't take the lives of their own citizens, there would have been no holocaust in Germany, no Tienenmen Square in China, and no Kent State in America. This rule far supersedes the natural desire for vengeance against those who deserve to die for their crimes. It is imperative that every citizen of earth deny their government the ability to decide what citizens get to live or die. Governments must protect the lives of ALL citizens. Incarceration of dangerous people does that. Blood lust be damned. Get some manners. Just because we agree that somebody deserves to die, doesn't mean we have to give our government the right to do it. Some day they could be coming after you.

Until the day you die and your soul is mine, your body is yours. Just as my government will not take the lives of our citizens, it will also give up the right to control our bodies. When I become president, the government will no longer tell you what you can or cannot consume or what medical attention you think you need, including abortions. If you want something cut out of your body, go ahead, sell your liver. What the hell is the government doing banning the transaction? It's YOUR body, not theirs. It's not a liberal/conservative issue. It's not a Democrat/Republican issue. It's self-preservation. Your body is YOURS and I will make every effort to PREVENT others from controlling it. Take whatever drugs you want, even if I think they don't work. If they work for you, fine. It's only when people do things to other people's body's against their will that the law should step in.

Put religion back in schools as a mandatory course that teaches the religions of the world, not as dogma but as simple facts. Judaism is a religion with X amount of followers who believe Y, Christianity is a religion with X amount of followers who believe Y, etc. Teach every faith and let kids decide for themselves which one to follow.

Mandatory DNA tests for every crime committed before DNA tests.

The Supreme Court hasn't made a non-partisan decision in decades, behaving more like the board of directors of a large corporation than a wise council of elders. They are completely out of touch with reality. (They recently made a decision saying that computers are NOT recording devices. Huh? Fuck e'm. Under my administration, Internet downloading will be mandatory!) All Supreme Court appointments should be for four year stints, just like the presidency, and they should come from the private sector. Lawyers and politicians should be banned from the court. Decisions should be based upon modern wisdom, not adherence to ancient dogma, INCLUDING the constitution of the United States.

Leave the military budget as it is, but give all military personnel peacetime jobs so they have something to contribute to society when there isn't any war to fight. Don't close military bases, just change them to something else, something useful. How about recycling centers? Nobody loses their job, they just change it. (Important addendum)

ALL government paperwork is public and will be posted to the net.

No more taking sides in any war that does not involve a direct attack against the citizens of the United States. Our goal, in any armed conflict, is to insert ourselves in-between the waring parties in order to prevent further bloodshed. All United States armed forces will be peace-keeping forces.

When the United States DOES get involved in a conflict, all soldiers will wear minicams broadcasting 24 hours a day to The War Channel.

Send naked women into battle.

Leave the Senate the way it is, but make the House of Representatives truly representative by getting rid of democracy in elections. We're not really a democracy anyway, remember? "I pledge allegiance to the REPUBLIC of the United States of America." I assume you know the difference, right? Allow me to quote...

"Suppose the majority wants to take away your home, business, or your children. Obviously, there's a problem! The flaw in democracy is that if you allow majority rule, then everybody's rights are up-for-grabs. All you have to do is get more than 1/2 of the people to want something, on any given day, and you no longer have any rights. It's sometimes called 'the tyranny of a majority.'
"The fundamental difference between a democracy and a republic is that if someone or a group of people came up to you and said that they were going to take away your home or business or children, you'd probably stand up and say, 'No, you can't do that! I have my rights protected by the Constitution of the United States of America.' And if you said that, you'd be describing a republic."
- Civics in Seconds -

There! See? The constitution supercedes democracy in order to protect us from mob mentality. Which means elections don't have to be Democratic/winner take all. They can work a whole other way.
Right now, if the candidate you vote for doesn't win the election, you end up without representation. Under my system, which I guess I'll have to call Satanism, there are no winners or losers. Whoever you vote for becomes your representative. Period. Everybody gets representation. Representatives who represent the most people wield the most power.

It will be illegal NOT to have sex with the president.

Guys - forget virgins after you die.
Vote for me and here's what you get

Gals - don't feel left out.
You get eternal love.

My Vice
President

Other
Stuff

The Osama Tapes
Selections from Osama bin Laden's most recent videotape, translated from Arabic into English, English to Swahili, Swahili to Chinese, and from Chinese back into English.

The First Interview with the
WTC Terrorists in Hell

How I Would Re-Write the Bill of Rights
by
Satan
Amendment I

You can believe what you want, or say what you want, or assemble where you want, but in the long run, your ass still belongs to me.

Amendment II

You can kill each other with whatever weaponry you want, but in the long run, your ass still belongs to me.

Amendment III

Stay where you want, do what you want, make war, steal property, who cares, in the long run, your ass still belongs to me.

Amendment IV

If you can convince yourself that your houses, papers, and effects are secure against unreasonable searches and seizures, go ahead and do it. It ain't illegal to be delusional.

Amendment V

Not that it matters, but if you got shit to say about someone and you can back it up with some evidence, the government will enforce payback, as long at it suits my political agenda. There's no such thing as "guilt" or "innocence," just responsible or not responsible for legitimate payback. Just because you get away with something once, doesn't mean we won't get on your ass again. If you don't personally reply to a charge in public, you are automatically found responsible for payback. Anyone found responsible for payback is prohibited from engaging in any other legitimate activities until payback is achieved. Only the Government can enforce payback, which will come in whatever form the Government chooses. In the name of payback, the Government may take your property for public use, paying you back for your property only when the Government feels like it. Nothing much you can do about it because in the long run, your ass still belongs to me.

Amendment VI

All accusations of responsibility for payback shall be made in public, and the more heinous the wrong, the more public the announcement. It is the public's duty to collect evidence of crime so the Government can secure payback. If you accuse someone of something, be prepared to make the charges to their face in a public trial, fully knowing they are going to call you a liar. I will even help them defend themselves against you, so good luck with it. You know who your ass belongs to.

Amendment VII

Anybody capable of finding a jury of their peers to agree with them can use them to compel the Government to enforce payback.

Amendment VIII

Payback is public. When a guilty party has paid back, it is announced that their debt to the victim, whether an individual or society, has been paid, and they are free to engage in other activities. Excessive payback shall not be required, nor excessive paybacks imposed, nor cruel and unusual paybacks inflicted, even though there are some situations that can't be paid back. In those cases, the party found guilty of responsibility for payback shall pay back society for the rest of their lives by generating electricity on a bicycle/generator for the public's free use.

Amendment IX

We're getting to the end of our little list here. If I haven't mentioned it, don't worry your pretty little head about it. It's all okay. Just go back to what you were doing.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to Satan by virtue of his excellence are distributed equally among everybody else. Who cares? In the long run, your ass still belongs to me.

Letters to Satan
Dear Satan,

very subtle and rather amusing

I doubt satan could do a worse job than good ole dubya bush

lol

Steph Foster

Dear Satan,

Hey there,

I would vote for anyone who had these ideas and could make them happen.
Bravo.

Lorisong

Dear Sir,

     I like your directives pertaining as most suitable for a system of national governance of the USA and hereby see the aforesaid claims within your website worthy for consideration of transnational application and an excellent modus operandi for Global Governance. Can you make manifest for me, direction and opportunity and substantial funding whereby to allow me to make public representation and be given a political platform and or organization to undertake the directives for perpetuating Global Governance by Unified Currency and World Democracy, I assure you it would be deemed highly profitable for the advancement of humankind and issue your goodself the unfoldment of prophecy.
     HAhahahahahahahahhahahhahahha. They say too of me that I have the cheek of the Devil.

Yours Sincerely
The Shining One
or atypically known as
John E M Rayner
Former Vice President of Global Nation.

Sir,

Whoever you really are, if you were really running, you'd have my vote. You make more sense than any politician I've heard of. Thank you for working so hard on your pages.

Sarah

Very cute page, cool songs too. Have you put any of them to music yet? Satan's platform actually makes more sense to me than most politicians.

Love,
Meria Heller

Dear So-Called-Satan,

I would like to know how you can go off trying to pretend to be me. Well either way here are the questions and answers I have given to people who think that they need to ask Satan questions. You can find those questions and answers here. If you scroll down a bit you will find "What other people wanted to know" go there and see for yourself. Thanks for your website. It's fantastic. Well go about your business and one of these days Our true Calling will come and we will ravage the world.

Sincerely,
~Satan
~Mailroom Clerk
~Boston (where else would I live? Hell is to damn hot. If I would like to live in Hell I could just visit Vegas.)

Sir,

Seek professional help as soon as possible!

Satan,

You made me laugh out loud and that isn't an easy task to do. Keep on doing what you are doing. You're brilliant!

Cheers,

Kim

Dear Satan,

you have some groundbreaking and logical ideas for government. any sane person should agree with most of your proposals. you should put your own name on these, not that it would help you actually get into our system, but the whole 'satan' thing is strange. when i received this link, i expected a total joke of a webpage, but aside from the satan thing, it is actually very serious. so i wonder...are you some religious freak who really believes that these notions you have proposed are evil...hence the satan reference? no...i don't think so. these ideas you have could put the power back into the hands of the people. the real satan would want to undermine our happiness with some backstabbing trickery like you see and hear of in story and in song. so...give us your real name, be it josh or suki or jaleekwa, and i will write it in on my ballot and give you my vote.

Andy Baily

Dear Satan,

While some of your ideas are very satanistic, some are just the opposite of satan. For instance, the income tax idea is the best I've heard in a long time.

J.A. Botary

Hey there, Satan-

    Pretty spiffy website. I like your platform. Yours is a very clever vote-getting ploy, I might add, but I sure would have thought that you would be big-time into more laws and taxes, with obscenely bloated minions running the whole thing- you know, sorta like it is now. How come you decided to do the reform thing? I am, frankly, a bit confused. I thought you were supposed to play 'mean cop' to God's 'nice cop'. Is this some sort of silly role reversal scheme? Boy, leave it to you marketing guys to come up with some really far out stuff. Hats off to a totally rad campaign for 2004! Anxiously awaiting my chance to enter the voting booth and pull the levers of power...

Elliot (disenfranchised yet naively optimistic voter near Ground Zero #2)
P.S. How 'bout that Supreme Court, eh?

Brilliant.

You have MY vote!!!

Michael Teetering

I think you need this bible quote...

"And the devil, taking him up into an high mountain, shewed unto him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time. And the devil said unto him, 'All this power will I give thee, and the glory of them: for that is delivered unto me; and to whomsoever I will I give it.'"
KJV - Luke 4:5-6

J O H N P A T E

You rock !!!!!!   You've got my vote !!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

fatal4u2

Hi,
    A friend sent me the link to your Satan 4 President site and I just wanted to say "Great Job" It is refreshing to see their are indeed other people out there with my way of thinking. I look forward to more interesting ideas in the future.
Sincerely
LadyTylox2

Some delightful ideas in here, Satan! Besides . . . you can't be any worse than the asshole currently in the White House!

Pete H...

Dear Satan,

In response to your advertisement for president I would like to say that 1: it was generally humorous, however I found one major problem with it and it is this:

"Leave the military budget as it is, but give all military personnel peacetime jobs so they have something to contribute to society when there isn't any war to fight."

For one: there are Military families that are on food stamps because they cant make enough money to survive. Even with the benefits, the Military does not pay well.

Second: The military is a full time job, where we train for war when we are not in war, so that way we are not all National Guard and Reservists. The military personnel with jobs in peace time are the national guard and reservist.

Third: You make it plainly obvious that you have never served one day in a uniform, never served, protected or defended your country in any manner, and I feel that if you Mr. Satan want to be the President then you should serve at least a four year term, holding a weapon in the name of honor, love, and trust.

But like I said overall your article was amusing, just thought that I would point out a small mistake that you made.

Steven Delong
SPC USA
Military Police
Caserma Ederle, Vicenza Italy

"Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living."
Mother Jones

"Always mystify, mislead, and surprise the enemy, if possible."
Stonewall Jackson

Steven,
Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

First of all, thanks for doing a good job. I had no idea there were military families on food stamps and that's a disgrace.

As for the campaign promise, that idea came from the Pentagon itself, specifically The First Earth Battalion Manual, an ethical/tactical battle manual for the army of the future. (The download is 5 megs in PDF format but worth it.} Written and illustrated by retired Lt. Colonel Jim Channon, it's a magnificent piece of work full of actual workable ideas. You won't believe the Pentagon created such a document.

As you know, there are those who would like to decrease the military budget of the United States. Channon's basic premise is that, through trickle-down economics, close to 50% of the U.S. economy is somehow defense related, so cutting the military budget would have a disastrous effect upon the entire economy. His solution is to give each branch of the military specific peacetime jobs so they've got something practical to do for the planet other than prepare for war. Should peace ever break out, Channon would give the following assignments...

The Navy works for the water of planet earth. When there's any type of maritime disaster, anywhere on earth, the U.S. Navy is there to help. Imagine how fast the Exxon Valdez disaster would have been contained if the U.S. Navy had been on the job.

The Air Force works for the air of planet earth. When there's any type of ecological disaster involving the quality of the air we breath, anywhere on earth, the U.S. Air Force is there to help.

In this same manner, the Army works for the land, the Coast Guard works for the coast, while the Marines function as a global referee breaking up fights (the manual has specific tactics for how this would work).

Aside from the good our armed forces could do for the planet, this would have major public relations advantages, as the rest of the citizens of earth would learn not to fear the United States every time we showed up, since we'd usually be there to help, not slaughter.

These new duties would IN NO WAY interfere with the defense of the United States. 9/11 proved we can mobilize pretty quickly when attacked.

The only real problem with this idea? There's no money in it. It doesn't instill fear in the population, which is the current agenda for justifying defense expenditures. Things will stay as they are because, as H.L. Mencken said, "The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed, and hence clamorous to be led to safety, by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary."

Sincerely,

Satan