Pull Out Your Tanks
(Download the MP3)

Pull out your tanks 
Thanks but no thanks 
Just pull out your tanks today 
Life would be good 
In our neighborhood 
If you'd pull out your tanks today 

Nobody killed 
Vacancy filled 
Pull out your tanks today 
Don't make us groan 
Leave us alone
Pull out your tanks today 

    Me and my wife'll 
    Both put down a rifle 
    If you pull out your tanks today 
    You don't really need 'em 
    Just give us our freedom 
    And pull out your tanks today 

War is a fraud 
Here and abroad 
Pull out your tanks today 
Justice deserved 
Humanity served 
If you pull out your tanks today 

Sunni and Kurd 
Peace is preferred 
Pull out your tanks today 
Solace is mine 
In Palestine 
If you pull out your tanks today 

    Me and my wife'll 
    Both put down a rifle 
    If you pull out your tanks today 
    You don't really need 'em 
    Just give us our freedom 
    And pull out your tanks today

Taser the Children
by Michael Dare

Don't be a miscreant
Don't be a fool
Don't pick up glass
And never skip school
Follow the rules
All will be fine
We taser the children who get out of line

Never chastise them
Don't smack their butts
Don't put electrical wires on their nuts
Torture could be misconstrued as benign
Just taser the children who get out of line

Don't bother your conscience
And don't drop the flag
Don't save Private Ryan
(We heard he's a fag)
Contribute to civilization's decline
And taser the children who get out of line

Don't wait for President Bush to resign
Just taser the children who get out of line
We think delivering pain is divine
We taser the children who get out of line

We stick our thumbs up and give the high sign
And taser the children who get out of line
We loves our mad cow and grind up our swine
And taser the children who get out of line

We make a madhouse and call it a shrine
We taser the children who get out of line
We taser the children
We taser the children
We taser the children who get out of line

God Bless America (Iraqi version)
with apologies to Irving Berlin and Kate Smith, 
though you should certainly picture Kate Smith singing it.

God bless America
Land I distrust
They'll destroy us
Annoy us
Turn us all into powdery dust

From your hot dogs
to your burgers
and your milkshakes
white with foam
God Bless America
The fast food king
God bless America
Of thee I sing

God bless America
all through the day
I ignore it
I'm for it
Just as long as it stays far away

From your A-bombs
and your drone planes
to your blowjobs
white with foam
God bless America
The place I fear
God bless America
Just watch your rear

Hello Mullah, Hello Fatwah

A London paper got a letter from Saddam, but you don't have to read it. It goes something like this. Trust me.

(To the tune of Amilcare Ponchielli's "Dance Of The Hours" by way of Allan Sherman)

Hello Mullah
Hello Fatwah
I still haven't
Gotten caughtwa
From the country
I am bolting
Now it's time for all of you to start revolting

I am wearing
Silk pajama
On the beach here
With Osama
Frozen Mai Tai
With umbrella
Send the bill to Mr. Bush who's quite a fella

Take me back
Oh Baathist party
Take me back
Don't be a smarty
I'll be nice
And I do swear that from
your livers
I won't take a slice

Take me back
My dear Iraqi
Take me back
Don't act so cocky
You've been took
Without the statues
How will you remember how I look?

Dearest Mullah
Darling Fatwah
How much misery
Have you gotwa?
Let me come home
If you miss me
I will even let a bunch of Shi'ites diss me

Wait a minute
Sons are calling
Lots of torture
Hear that bawling
Billion dollars
Gee that's better
Mullah Fatwah kindly disregard this letter

Rehab Rockers

I am just a Backstreet Boy with troubles of my own
When I'm with my screaming fans I feel so alone
I get high consuming anything that comes my way
That is why my publicist is putting me away

    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    No more hits of ecstasy or cases of Becks
    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    Getting high on life and residual checks

When I was in Aerosmith I smoked and drank all day
Oral sex from fans is how I passed the time away
Smoking marijuana drove me right out of my gourd
Now I'm in a hospital named after Betty Ford

    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    No more highs and lows for us
    No more feast or famine
    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    All we snort is nasal spray 
    And all we smoke is salmon

I'm a Stony Temple Pilot with the emphasis on stony
I'm a vegetarian who never eats bologny
I like driving round the town in my beat up jalopy
Then jamming something in my veins they're making from a poppy

    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    We get high on anything and multiply like rabbits
    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    Telling everybody how we gave up our bad habits

I am David Matthews and my band's named after me
When you see Dave Matthews I'm the one you're bound to see
If I weren't Dave Matthews I don't know who I would be
This is why I am so glad my band's named after me

    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    No more hits of ecstasy or cases of Becks
    Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
    Getting high on life and residual checks
    Getting high on life and residual checks

The Terrorist Anthem

I am just a terrorist
My cave is far from cozy
I don't let it get me down
My outlook is so rosy

No matter what they think of me
I know that I'm the best
When I've got a home-made bomb across my chest

     I never got to vote 
     but I know if I did
     I'd dimple my chad for Bush's kid
     American elections leave little to doubt
     Thank God it's not a liberal who's smoking me out
     Thank God it's not a liberal who's smoking me out

I really like to suffer and so suffer I shall do
You can say I'm crazy but I'm rubber and you're glue
You think you're so great with all your entertaining scandals
I would like to see you walk a mile in my sandals.

     I never have fun
     but I know if I did
     I'd dimply my chad for Bush's kid
     Give me a conservative instead of a red
     Thank God it's not a liberal who shot me in the head
     Thank God it's not a liberal who shot me in the head

Ode to The Group of 8
(to the tune of Baby Face)

Group of 8
You are the cutest little Group of 8
There are no others who can rule the state
Group of 8
Your meeting in Geneva
Made me a true believa
Group of 8
I'm up in heaven when you all pontificate
When pushing came to shove
I simply fell in love
with the groovy Group of 8

Prisoner of War

Life is so exciting when you're living in a cave
Sitting on a rock is the excitement that I crave
Suddenly my life is such an awful bloody bore
Now that I'm a prisoner of war

Yeah, I guess they feed us and the food is rather tasty
The sun is therapeutic. My complexion was so pasty
Why not dig a tunnel? Well, it's such an awful chore
Now that I'm a prisoner of war

Everything they tell you is so obviously phony
I know that bin Laden doesn't eat much macaroni
I get a tribunal that is rotten to the core
Now that I'm a prisoner of war

I am an American. I know of what I speak
Soon my lurid tale will be a movie of the week
I will get residuals until I'm 94
Now that I'm a prisoner of war

Artificial Pain

You said that you would love me
In sickness and in health
You said that you were not concerned 
with my enormous wealth
I fell down right in front of you
When I had my heart attack
But since the doctors let me go you will not take me back

    Now I've got artificial pain in my artificial heart
    because my love won't repossess my favorite body part
    They say it'll kill me if I let my feelings flow
    Darling I can't think of any better way to go

My cornea's transplanted and my septum's made of plastic
My hair is someone else's and my colon? It's elastic
I haven't got a body part that I can call my own
Darling that's a poor excuse for cheating with my clone

    I've got artificial pain in my artificial heart
    because you haven't got the nerve to finish what you start
    They say that it'll kill me if I let my feelings flow
    Darling I can't think of any better way to go

    I've got artificial pain in my artificial heart
    Artificial pain in my artificial heart

The Ballad of Chandra Levy

I'm in love with Chandra Levy but our sex life is a mess
I haven't got a notion of her number or address
There isn't anybody who has got the slightest clue
Of what a lonely senator should do

    What a world of horrors
    I cannot stand my life
    Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
    The atmosphere is thicker
    You could cut it with a knife
    Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife

I'm doing lots of interviews on national TV
Explaining why I can't explain what Chandra means to me
Her parents are beginning to break down and go boo-hoo
Just like a lonely senator should do

    What a world of horrors
    Full of orgasms and strife
    Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
    The misery is endless 
    I cannot stand my life
    Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
    Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife

The Ballad of Peter Bart

I am just an editor of something called Variety
For which I'm rarely called upon to show a little piety
I got a month suspension for insensitive behavior
Now nobody in Hollywood will treat me like a savior

    He made remarks so racist that they proved his sad proclivity
    Now he's going to classes to increase his sensitivity
    He had a good position but he didn't want to give it, he
    was going to some classes to increase his sensitivity

My B.O. wasn't socko and my opening was soft
I needed lots of rage to keep my ego so aloft
I nix the pix and clicks the chicks that satisfy my readership
Until I feel like being rude and make another Peter slip

    I never will go golfing on a course that's rough and divotty
    because I'm going to classes to increase my sensitivity
    My underlying structure is all steel-like and rivotty
    because I'm going to classes that increase my sensitivity
    So no one will accuse me of aggression or passivity
    I'm really going to classes to increase my sensitivity

The Anchor

I loved you like a building
Like a monument in time
We had a strong foundation
Yes, our words would always rhyme
You gave me love and comfort 
And a cause to stand and cheer
But now I know how long it takes to go from love to fear

    A hundred thousand questions
    I don't know why people die
    And why would anybody want to make Dan Rather cry?
    Why would anybody want to make Dan Rather cry?

I wish I could erase a certain image from my head
The world is full of shadows where I do not want to tread
I've something to feel thankful for
That's somewhat hard to bare
Every day I stop and just thank God I wasn't there

     A hundred thousand questions
     I don't know why people die
     And why would anybody want to make Dan Rather cry?
     Why would anybody want to make Dan Rather cry?

Garth Brook's Lament

My poodle ate my crib sheets and my agent was away
I couldn't book a flight to New York City on that day
I tried to take a subway and I tried to take a car
I know they could have used me because I am such a star

     I should have been at Madison Square Garden
     I wasn't so I'll have to beg your pardon
     I realize I shouldn't get excited
     After all, I wasn't quite invited

I've got a lot in common
With every fireman hero
Their problems and my single
are sticking to ground zero
I sure could use exposure
On national TV
Damn that Paul McCartney
I'll never let it be

     I should have been at Madison Square Garden
     I wasn't so I'll have to beg your pardon
     I realize I shouldn't get excited
     After all, I wasn't quite invited

Democracy and Democrats

I miss the days of Monica Lewinsky
When Donna Rice was sitting on a lap
Now with President Butinsky
All I wanna do is nap

I can picture it so clearly
I can see it in a glance
All the days I miss so dearly
When the only missiles getting off
were in somebody's pants

     Democracy and Democrats
     Democracy and Democrats
     Democracy and Democrats are letting me down
     Democracy and Democrats
     Democracy and Democrats 
     Democracy and Democrats have both left town

Everybody had a boner
You could see it in a glance
In the days I miss so dearly
When the only missiles getting off
were in somebody's pants

     Democracy and Democrats
    Democracy and Democrats
     Democracy and Democrats are getting me down
     Democracy and Democrats
     Democracy and Democrats 
     Democracy and Democrats have both left town

I Can't Tell the Difference

I'm the loneliest Taliban ever there was
Every day I just do what a Taliban does
Like I sit here and read from the scriptures and then 
I just sit here and read from the scriptures again

     I'm a loner, an accident waiting to happen.
     A rebel. A poet. A man out of time.
     Cause life is so strange that I can't tell the difference 
     between a religion and organized crime

    You can be bold and courageous and find yourself 
     up to your elbows in camels and grime
     When life is so strange that you can't tell the difference 
     between a religion and organized crime

I hear them saying they're going to sentence me
If not for treason then something related
The rest of my life I will spend in a prison
alone with my charges so vastly inflated

     I want a lifestyle where everything matters
     between the ridiculous and the sublime
     Cause life is so strange that I can't tell the difference
     between a religion and organized crime

     My life is a wreck. I feel so fictitious
     A character out of a nursery rhyme
     Cause life is so strange that I can't tell the difference 
     between a religion and organized crime

Once I was leading the life of a terrorist
Studying radioactive decay
Now I just sit on a rock and do nothing
With all my friends at Guantanamo Bay

     I know I was bad and I know I was good
     and I know my opinions are not worth a dime
     But life is so strange that I can't tell the difference 
     between a religion and organized crime

     Life is so strange that I can't tell the difference
     between a religion and organized crime

Taking the Fifth

Everything I ever said and everything I did
Nobody who's anybody knows where they are hid
Everything I ever saw and everything I heard
Are hidden in a bank where all my money was transferred

     Taking the fifth
     Taking the fifth
     No one can stop me
     I'm taking the fifth

I don't have to tell you anything that you may ask
Go ahead and ask me, it's a reasonable task
Please don't be surprised when you don't get a single answer
It's just another day in the sweet life of a financer

     Taking the fifth
     Taking the fifth
     No one can stop me
     I'm taking the fifth

Nobody can catch me even though I'm pretty caught
I will get away with it, these hearings are for naught
Money buys you anything so what is there to say
I'm climbing in my private jet, just watch me fly away

     Taking the fifth
     Taking the fifth
     No one can stop me
     I'm taking the fifth

If I Had a Hundred Million

If I had a hundred million
I would hide it all from you
You would never see a penny
I'd be living in Peru

If I had accounting problems
I would blame them all on you
You won't find a thing against me
In the files you look through

     It don't take no rocket science
     You can't read it in a book
     You can't have crisis of conscience
     When you're born to be a crook

If I had a load of horseshit
I would drop it all on you
Hide behind the 5th amendment
Is precisely what I'd do

If I had a second mortgage
I would charge it all to you
The economy's depending
On the people that I screw 

     It don't take no rocket science 
     You can't read it in a book
     You can't have crisis of conscience
     When you're born to be a crook

The Winter Olympics in Hell

They have got talent
You have to admire
Not everybody
Can slalom through fire

Hot weather skating
takes plenty of nerve
Those towers of embers
can throw you a curve

     Happily luging between burning logs
     Where the ogres and demons do dwell
     At the Winter Olympics in Hell

     Playing ice hockey on smoldering coals
     can cause quite a terrible smell
     At the Winter Olympics in Hell

Funny how everything 
Looks like a pyre
When it's your hobby
To snowboard through fire

Not everybody
can guzzle hot java
While watching a Mormon
Ski jump over lava

     Doing a skeleton covered in flames
     is scarier than AOL
     At the Winter Olympics in Hell

     Speaking of judges who do what they're told
     America did pretty well
     At the Winter Olympics in hell
     At the Winter Olympics in hell

Everyone's a Suspect

They're looking over here and then they're looking over there
They're searching in the basement of the castle in the air
When they're tired of looking they are going to look some more
With all the subtle tactics of the diplomatic corps

     I'm a suspect
     You're a suspect
     He's a suspect too
     Everyone's a suspect when they haven't got a clue
     Even Albert Einstein wouldn't know just what to do
     When everyone's a suspect and they haven't got a clue

They're looking under this and then they're looking under that
They're expert at pretending that they see a welcome mat
They will look behind you when they see you leaving town
They all know that looking up can seem like looking down

     I'm a suspect
     You're a suspect
     He's a suspect too
     Everyone's a suspect when they haven't got a clue
     Even Albert Einstein wouldn't know just what to do
     When everyone's a suspect and they haven't got a clue

Someone Tell Me What to Do

Can Sheryl Crow?
Can Stevie Wonder?
Can you see the storm before you hear the thunder?
Can J be Lo?
Can I be true?
Can someone tell me what to do?

Does Iggy Pop?
What does Drew Carey?
Is sex okay before you marry?
Should I say yes?
Should I say no?
What the hell is apropos?

    My mind is open to suggestion
    Someone close has popped the question
    You can't complain
    You can't disparage
    When Satan asks for your hand in marriage

Is John Gregory Dunne?
Does Penelope Cruz?
Have I really paid my dues?
Did Sally Ride?
It's deja vu.
Can someone tell me what to do?

Can I trust Beelzebub?
Will he beat me with a club?
Whatever qualities
He may lack
I know he's hot inside the sack.

    My mind is open to suggestion
    Someone close has popped the question
    You can't complain
    You can't disparage
    When Satan asks for your hand in marriage

It's an Honor Just to be Nominated

I'm not upset. I'm not frustrated
It's an honor just to be nominated

Forget all the rivals I've dominated
It's an honor just to be nominated

Kissing my ass isn't overrated
It's an honor just to be nominated

If I lose I'll have to be strongly sedated
It's an honor just to be nominated

Don't Take Away My Porn

Gimme gifs of teenagers with very little clothes
Gimme shots to download and you'll lead me by the nose
I've seen people doing things that I cannot believe
Getting in positions quite indecent to conceive

Sodomites and fairy sprites exposing genitalia
Nipple clamps and leather make some fine paraphernalia
If you've got some classics, well then go ahead and send some
Gimme guys and gals exposing oversized pudendum

    Porn ain't for kiddies, yes that much is true
    If you're not a kiddy, who cares what you do
    Acres of bodies without any clothes
    With celebrity faces they superimpose

    You can berate me 
    and heap me with scorn
    but I'm begging you Congress
    Don't take away my porn

Gimme Mrs. Anderson relaxing on a boat
Gimme anybody putting something down their throat
Gimme porno stars in films they shoot in a motel
Validate my ticket for a one-way trip to hell

Gimme barnyard animals dubbed in by Doris Day
Make 'em young and gorgeous and you can't keep me away
No more legislation that is so totalitarian
Let me see my porno while I ogle the librarian

    Porn ain't for kiddies, yes that much is true
    If you're not a kiddy, who cares what you do
    Acres of bodies without any clothes
    With celebrity faces they superimpose

    You can berate me 
    and heap me with scorn
    but I'm begging you Congress
    Don't take away my porn
    I'm begging you Congress
    Don't take away my porn

Put That In Your Pipe Bomb and Smoke It

Blowing up innocent people
Has quickly become déclassé
Put that in your pipe bomb and smoke it.
Try blowing your own face away.

Anonymous vengeance is awful
No matter what you have to say.
Put that in your pipe bomb and smoke it.
Try blowing your own face away

How did your friends use to call you?
Can idiot come out and play?
Put that in your pipe bomb and smoke it.
Try blowing your own face away.

You can turn into an artwork
Your brains can look like a Monet.
Put that in your pipe bomb and smoke it.
Try blowing your own face away

North Alliance Girls
(to the tune of, well, you figure it out)

The Taliban girls are groovy though you cannot see a thing
I knew a girl from Beirut who could really shake that thing.
Paki babes are packin', they are better than the rest
I once saw an Arab doll get something off her chest

But now I've got a mama who is so much more than hot
And the way we are invading I just know I'll get a shot
Her cave is clean, the neighborhood surprisingly suburban
Nothing gets me hotter than her taking off her turban

     Wish they all could be North Alliance Girls
     Wish they all could be North Alliance Girls

She never contradicts me when I tell her what to do
She loves me though I've never told her that I am a Jew
Some day I'll be married to my new Afghani jewel
Hoping that our forces never make it to Kabul

     Wish they all could be North Alliance Girls
     Wish they all could be North Alliance Girls

You Give In To Me

Do I love you because you're sentenced to eternal damnation
Or are you sentenced to eternal damnation because I love you?
Do you love me because I drive you crazy
Or are you crazy because you love me?

     You give in to gravity
      I give in to levity
     You give in to sanity
     You give in to me

Do I love you because of the trident in your ass
Or is there a trident in your ass because I love you?
Do you love me because you're insatiable
Or are you insatiable because you love me?

     You give in to gravity
     I give in to levity
     You give in to sanity
     You give in to me
     You give in to me
     You give in to me

Genetic Fingerprints

I've got lots of energy
Though some of it's kinetic
I've got lots of love for you
And all of it's genetic

We were testing anthrax spores
The moon outside was full
That's the night my sweater
was no longer virgin wool

You are so meticulous
You never make an error
Together we can do it
We can rid the world of terror

     I know you're a devil
     There's no one to convince
     Since I fell in love with your genetic fingerprints
     You're the one I treasure
     I'll never run away
     Since I saw your patterns of repeating DNA 

Hey, is that a genome
that I spy upon your lips?
These feelings are as frequent
as an annular eclipse

You gave to me your secret code
that opens every lock
You wound up the mainspring
in my biological clock

Soon there'll be a little one
You should not be surprised
Unlike army anthrax
I was never sterilized

     I will show my love to you
     with words I cannot mince
     Since I fell in love with your genetic fingerprints
     My love for you is virulent
     It will not go away
     Since I saw your patterns of repeating DNA 
     Since I saw your patterns of repeating DNA

Keep it All for Me

I don't care about your problems
You can keep them on the shelf
It's a shame that you've got nothing
When I've got so much myself

I will only use the Caymans
To a reasonable degree
You can't touch my frozen assets
I will keep it all for me.

     Keep it all for me, boys
     Keep it all for me
     Everyone can go to hell
     Keep it all for me

Blame it on insider trading
I know so much more than you
You can pig out at McDonalds
I'll eat chicken cordon bleu

If you've got a hundred million
You need several million more
If you keep the bottom line
As your only paramour

     Keep it all for me, boys
     Keep it all for me
     Everyone can go to hell
     Keep it all for me

He's Evil
(Special note. When you read a HUH? that's not a schoolboy HUH? that's more of a James Brown HUH?)

He's doing lots of things of which I do not approve
I do not think that he can tell his ass from the Louvre
There are so very many ways he's rubbing me wrong
If this were a TV show I'd be hitting the gong

He's always doing this and then he's always doing that
It's no surprise that somebody is smelling a rat
Everything he does is all so obviously fake
He knows when you are sleeping and he knows when you're awake

     I know what he is. HUH? I wanna hear it now.
     I know what he is. HUH? It's time to have a cow
     I know what he is. HUH? You gotta shout it now
     I know what he is. HUH?
     HUH?

He goes around the world. His schedule is money
He says that he appreciates that oil isn't funny
He thinks that he is Truman but his wife's name isn't Bess
He doesn't know the answer but he'll gladly make a guess

He's hiding over here and then he's hiding over there
He's trying to impress us with his personal flair
Everything about him is rubbing me wrong
If this were a TV show I'd be hitting the gong

     I know what he is. HUH? I wanna hear it now.
     I know what he is. HUH? It's time to have a cow
     I know what he is. HUH? You gotta shout it now
     I know what he is. HUH?
     HUH?

     Once I saw his sister
     Eat a boll weevil
     He's evil. 
     HUH? Let me hear it now.

     Once I saw his sister
     Eat a boll weevil
     He's evil. 
     HUH? Let me hear it now

Was it the engine?
Was it the tail?
Was it a stewardess filing a nail?
Was it the captain?
Was it a bomb?
Was it an Arab with lots of aplomb?

Was it the TV?
Was it for real?
Was it a sub-plot on Ally McBeal?
Was it a stranger?
Someone I knew?
Or was it something that's hidden from view?

     I know what he is. HUH? I wanna hear it now.
     I know what he is. HUH? It's time to have a cow
     I know what he is. HUH? You gotta shout it now
     I know what he is. HUH?
     HUH?

     Once I saw his sister
     Eat a boll weevil
     He's evil. 
     HUH? Let me hear it now

     Once I saw his sister
     Eat a boll weevil
     He's evil. 
     HUH? Let me hear it now

Everybody's Problem

You won't see Albert Finney in
a crisis Argentinean
You won't see Mata Hari in
a crisis Kandaharian
Don't miss Rosemary's baby in
a crisis that's Arabian
It's nice to see Bo Derek in
a crisis that's American

     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem
     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem

I saw Allison Janney in
a crisis Panamanian
Was that somebody groovy in
a crisis that's Peruvian?
Be sure to catch Greg Brady in
a crisis that's al-Qaidian
There's no one anorexic in
a crisis that is Mexican

     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem
     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem

There go Mork and Mindy in
a crisis that is Indian
There's Abbott and Costello in
a crisis that is mellowin'
You won't see Mo and Manny in
a crisis Pakistanian
but Mickey misses Minnie in
a crisis Palestinian

     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem
     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem

I know I caught Pearl Bailey in 
a crisis that's Australian
There's not a single person in
a crisis that is worsenin'
You're sure to see a Bee Gee in
a crisis that's Norwegian
I want to smack your fanny in
a crisis Talibanian

     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem
     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem

I Like Being Senile (The Pope's Song)

I like being senile
I don't have to think
I can barely get around
Please pass me a drink

I like being senile
I can say it twice
I can read from some old book
When priests ask for advice

    I'm the pope
    I'm the pope
    There's no doubt about it
    I'm the Pope
    I'm the Pope
    I am on Dilaudid

I like wearing dresses
And what do you suppose?
When no one is looking
I wear crotchless pantyhose

I like being senile
I've got lots of class
Just don't catch me farting
When celebrating Mass

    I'm the pope
    I'm the pope
    Let me hear you shout it
    I'm the Pope
    I'm the Pope
    I am on Dilaudid

Johnny Walker

Johnny Walker
What a talker
He's a guy with tales to tell
If you spy him
Do not try him
Lock him in a tiny cell

     Ooh, aah, Jalalabad
     Ramalama ding dong Ramadan
     Mullah Ullah Tora Bora Taliban
    Ramalama ding dong Ramadan

Johnny Walker
He's a rocker
He is rotten to the core
If you see him 
Do not free him
We know who he's working for

     Ooh, aah, Jalalabad
     Ramalama ding dong Ramadan 
     Mullah Ullah Tora Bora Taliban
     Ramalama ding dong Ramadan 
     Mullah Ullah Tora Bora Taliban
     Ramalama ding dong Ramadan 
     Mullah Ullah Tora Bora Taliban
     Ramalama ding dong Ramadan

Artificial Face
or
Mark Tatum's Lament

Artificial nose
Artificial chin
No one knows exactly where I actually begin 

Artificial eyes
Artificial cheeks
Like the kind you see in plastic surgical boutiques.

Artificial nostrils
Artificial nose
Artificial sinuses from radiator hose

Artificial forehead
Artificial ears
A temporary membership in Disney's Mouseketeers

     Artificial face
     Artificial face
     No one gives a damn about my artificial face.
     (Repeat louder)

Artificial mind
Artificial soul
Artificial music that's in espanol

Artificial me
Artificial you
Artificial answer from an artificial clue

Artificial leverage
Artificial love
Artificial everything I'm undeserving of

Artificial angel
Artificial beast
Artificial contracts that can never be released

     Artificial face
     Artificial face
     No one gives a damn about my artificial face.
     (Repeat louder)
     (and louder)
     (and louder)