You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

 
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

Jan 08, 2001

This week saw some surprising turnarounds, but all in all it was par for the course in the land between Hollywood and Hell. Lots of bridges burned, but for every double cross there’s another one-way superhighway to the depths of damnation. 

10. Light a fart for Madonna, whose marriage last month is fooling no one in the flaming furnace of Beelzebub. As long as she keeps that name instead of the one given her by her parents, her lips are still plastered on the pungent posterior of the Prince of Darkness. 

9. Was that a whiff of sulfur I smelt during the inauguration? You bet it was but it’s not who you think. Turns out a certain President’s brother signed a multi-damned parchment with the old guy in red himself, long before the fiasco in Florida. Trading in another family member for a chance at advancement? One of the oldest tricks in Satan’s book. We don’t know all the details, but you can bet the Bush name this is a deal that will go through.

8. It’s an old case of eternal pain for Russell Crowe, who signed a certain bloody document in exchange for a crack at another guy’s wife. Meg Ryan claims she knew nothing of this pre-damned agreement and refused to comment on her own particularly adorable hell. 

7. Which one is the demon from the netherworld, Jennifer Anniston or Brad Pitt? One is simply a shallow hulk of a human whom the Great Master of the Underworld has no interest in, the other is one of his dominion. Should be interest a-plenty when this deal goes down.

6. There’s no choice between Eminem and his parents. They’re all going to hell, part of a deal signed by Jimi Hendrix and John Belushi that is just now coming up from the red into the black. Gives a whole new meaning to back end points, if you know what I mean.

5. Was that Lucifer having dinner with Monica Lewinsky at Chez Kaleg last week, or was it just another of those who chant his name which is legion? Of course it was Monica’s dad who signed away her soul before she was ever born, so don’t go blaming Monica now. 

4. Bill Clinton and Al Gore were seen playing golf with a certain TV Talk Show Host whose previous deal with Mephistopheles put her black ass on the map. Wouldn’t you die to know what they talked about between putts? Don’t worry, it’ll all come out soon.

3. Andre. Yeah, you, I’m talking to you You’re going to hell. That’s right, and there isn’t anything you can do about it either. It’s all arranged, if you know what I mean. A little deal I, Helen A. Handbasket personally cooked up on my own after you pulled that little stunt with the Saran Wrap. So sit back, Andre, relax. You’re going to get what’s coming to you.

2. Ooh, I can just feel the thrust of the trident through the liver of Robert Downey Jr., whose triumphant return to the seventh circle of hell was very well received in certain subterranean chambers. Thanks to a cozy deal with Fred Zanidiot, the cop who busted Downey, Satan was able to get his barbarous claws on quite a prize. For the cop? His name in the papers! For Robert? Mmmmuuuuuah ha ha ha ha.

and the number one person going to hell this week?

1. It's purgatory a-plenty for you, you stupid schmuck. They’re watching you right now. Remember that cool thing that just happened to you yesterday, that strange opportunity? That was them. You’ve already nibbled on the bait. It’s just a matter of time. 
 
 

Helen's Autobiography
 

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