WHO’S GOING TO HELL
THIS WEEK?
Jan 15, 2001
This was a slow week for the dominions
of the devil, who were out on strike for three days. Negotiations were
tough as one of their primary demands involved the devil removing his pitchfork
from their buttocks. They settled, the devil agreeing that all posteriors
would remain pitchfork free on weekends. In exchange for what? We'll never
know.
- Helen -
10. Looks like Adam Sandler might be
regretting Little Nicky for all of eternity. Somebody snuck a bootleg video
of the moronic flick into Beelzebub's private screening chamber.
Like the rest of America, he was not amused, scalding several of his minions
in a refreshing lava bath after discovering that Sandler's deal with the
underworld was based upon a handshake. Advice to Sandler? For the rest
of your life, don't sign ANYTHING.
9. What's the connection between the success
of the film Charlie's Angels and the 1,200 people missing in that
earthquake in El Salvador? Perhaps the answer is in a certain signed document
under Lucy Liu's pillow.
8. George Bush's ex-life insurance
policy Dan Quayle survived that little airplane bomb scare last
week with nary a scratch. Did Lucifer have anything to with it?
Not according to All Nippon Airways spokeskabuki Bea Chermeat, who
refused to comment on the bloodstained document that fell from Quayle's
pocket while disembarking the plane.
7. Is Chief Supreme Court Justice
William
H. Rehnquist a friend of the Fallen Angel? According to recent
court documents unearthed in a suitcase handcuffed to an arm at a train
derailment north of London, Rehnquist not only signed over his own life
but those of countless unborn in his quest to deliver the oath of office
to the proper slave of a Judeo-Christian source of evil who shall remain
nameless.
6. It's well known that the Prince of Darkness
was disappointed in the disappearance of long-playing records, which were
so easy to play backwards. With the onset of the CD, the Old Serpent
had a hell of a time getting his messages through to teenage rock 'n' roll
fans. Now, thanks to Napster, Lucifer is getting his backwards propaganda
back where it belongs, in college campuses. Napster Users beware,
you could be downloading Satan with your Eminem. See if you can tell the
difference.
5. If Jerry Bruckheimer has his way,
42 million people without medical insurance will suffer some sort of foot
ailment in exchange for a killer opening weekend for his next epic,
Pearl
Harbor. Business as usual for director Michael Bay, who signed
a separate agreement with Beelzebub over the production of Armageddon.
Bay and Bruckheimer have adamantly refused to accept responsibility for
the leaks on Mir despite my signed proof to the contrary. What a team!
4. Was that Julia Stiles having lunch
with Satan at Chez Monyoo? Check out the returns on her latest film,
Save
the Last Dance. (for Satan?)
3. Gianni Versace's deal with the Angel
of the Bottomless Pit will finally reach fruition when his Miami home
is put on auction this April by Sotheby's, the auction house of the Supreme
Lord of Darkness. Pay careful attention to whoever buys 19th century
French painter Sophie Rude's "The Death of Cenchirias, Son of Neptune."
They're next.
2. Will the Ravens beat the
Giants?
Not if He of the Cloven Hoofs has anything to say about it. The
game takes place in Florida. Need I say more?
and the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. California Governor Gray Davis is
in negotiations with Old Scratch himself to provide geothermal power
to the state.The only souls he's authorized to deal for are those who voted
for him, so Democrats beware.
Helen's Autobiography
