Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?
Jan 22, 2001

Any week with an inauguration is just heaven to up-and-coming beasts from the dominion of Hell. It's traditionally one of the hottest times of the year for bloody signatures on the dotted line and this year was no exception. A lot of trading going on this week. Let's get to it.
- Helen -

10. How much did that dance lesson from Ricky Martin cost President George W. Bush? If the power outages in California spread to other states, you'll know whom to blame.

9. Why did his Royal Highness Prince Edward, the Earl of Wessex, sign a production deal with E! Entertainment? Could it be the back end of a little deal cooked up by ex-Talk Soup host Greg Kinnear when he wanted out of his TV contract in order to do As Good as it Gets? Leave it to Mephistopheles to throw in the Academy Award nomination as a signing bonus.

8. Who stands to benefit most from the international syndication of CBS Survivor? Not Rudy, Gervase, Susan, and Colleen, who learned the price of fame when they signed up with God's most evil adversary.

7. The underworld claims to have had no part in the spilling of 243,000 gallons of fuel on the Galapagos Islands. "We have a vested interest in keeping the idea of evolution alive," declared devilish spokesdemon Emilia Barfup at a Republican Pep Rally against The Contender. "We believe the orders came directly from the Pope."

6. Speaking of major environmental disasters, did anyone check the BO returns on Save the Last Dance? As reported last week, this one's headed to the top. Julia, don't look now but your toes are on fire.

5. Is there a skating rink in hell? Not yet, but there will be soon if a deal with U.S. Figure Skating champion Michelle Kwan goes down as planned.

4. Was that Ernest Borgnine seen having lunch with his Satanic Majesty at Chez V'Nahaircut last week? Don't be surprised if he's cast in one of the rival Yassar Arafat biopix from CBS or NBC.

3. The Foreign Press Association who give out the Golden Globe Awards is more foreign than you think. When the Academy refused to sign his binding contract, Beelzebub turned to a small group of unknown foreign journalists and changed them into superstars overnight with a tacky award ceremony embraced by publicity starved Hollywood. Just faxed in, a personal memo from Satan to big winner Ridley Scott: "LOVED Gladiator. Look forward to Hannibal."

2. Florida Republicans canonized Katherine Harris this week in a move that had fallen angels everywhere drinking toasts and throwing up. Little do they know about a piece of paper with a scent of sulfur that's floating around Dreamworks. It'll put her reign of terror to an end.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Hopes for peace in the mideast were dashed for the decade as Sylvester Stallone signed on to do another Rocky sequel.

Personal to Claudette: Andre will get his inheritance when hell freezes over.
Personal to bricktop: Keith Moon is in Heaven. Pete Townsend's the one going to hell.

Helen's Autobiography