WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
January 29, 2001
This week was anything but bO-ring as the
citizens of hell celebrated the 15th anniversary of that devilish fireworks
display known as the Challenger disaster. Though the occupants of the ship
all went to heaven, others at NASA weren't so lucky, getting an extra helping
of sulfur in their eggnog for their participation in the project.
- Helen -
10. Russell Crowe continues his descent
to the nether regions as he teams up with Courtney Love to rock
the night away. His serious offer for his band, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts,
to do a duet with her band, Hole, was met with hearty cheers of
"Go for it" from the admissions board of the pits of eternal damnation.
9. Cameras roll in March for the film premiere
of Britney Spears, who was seen having lunch with the Angel of the
Bottomless pit at Chez Kyerbooty this week. Watch those flaming desserts,
Britney. The camera adds 10 pounds (thanks to Satan).
8. In a deal sure to displease her brother,
Angelina
Jolie has sentenced him to an everlasting presence in the pits of pain
in exchange for two Tomb Raider sequels. With a healthy percentage
of the gross of the Lara Croft franchise, the Old Serpent looks to clean
up on this one.
7. As everyone knows, the Prince of Darkness
is both pro-abortion and anti-choice, which means he could go either way
on Roe vs. Wade. What everyone doesn't know is that Satan's got a lockdown
on a production deal with Fox for the 30th anniversary in two years. Satan
and Fox will be co-producing a reality special I can only describe as hot.
6. What's the connection between thousands
of dead in India and the success of Survivor? Don't ask the
location scouts for Survivor III, who are scouring Africa for their
new location as we speak. The answer's in the archives of the angel of
the pits of pandemonium, filed under S.
5. Wolfgang Puck dots the "i"s and
crosses the "t"s on his contract with Beelzebub as he finally closes the
Hollywood Spago. Those in search of the eternal hell of alligator sausage
and goat cheese pizza will simply have to seek their indigestion elsewhere.
4. Will Seth Green return to Buffy
the Vampire Slayer? Not if the Marquis de Sade has anything
to say about it. Watch those B.O. returns on Quills to see if Oz shows
up on Buffy's 100th episode.
3. Why did Marilyn Manson and Rose
McGowan call off their wedding? Perhaps it was that minor clause in
his pre-nup that if he went to hell, she would be legally bound to accompany
him. Not a subtle move there, big boy. What MM doesn't know is that his
soul has already been delivered to the dominions of hell by proxy. In an
old deal worked out between Lucifer, Marilyn Monroe, and Charles
Manson, a future rock star was cooked up and served on a platter to
the omnipotent ovens of the real last frontier. It's called futures trading,
which always involves a bit of time travel. Signers get something in exchange
for damning to hell souls that haven't been born yet. In this case, one
got fame, the other life without parole, damning forever the beast unborn
till Rose McGowan chose to marry him. The highway to hell is paved with
good intentions, so who can blame McGowan for taking a hike.
2. It's payback time for Molly Shannon
who bids farewell to Saturday Night Live and hello to eternal damnation,
leaving her regular gig in New York for development hell in Hollywood.
Apparently Lucifer himself created her character Mary Katherine Gallagher,
the Catholic schoolgirl, during a brief stint as a writer for NBC. Lucifer
was so unhappy with the film Superstar he had his name taken off
the picture.
And the number one person going to hell this
week...
1. Who was really the father of Celine
Dion's baby? Let's just say if you're planning on sending her a gift,
cloven booties would be nice.
Helen's Autobiography
