WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?
February 5, 2001

Don'tcha think it's kinda strange that every time a servant of Satan comes into power, the utility rates go up? Air and sun power have no place in a world that draws its primary inspiration from underground. It's coal and oil forever at Beelzebub Electric, and don't you forget it. 
- Helen -

10. Why was Dyan Cannon dragging her Chihuahua around with her to all those press conferences last week? That dog was J. Edgar Hoover and that was payback time for Bobby Kennedy.

9.  No need to even look at the signature when the contract's been around Denis Leary, whose notorious nicotine-fingers always leave ashen prints behind. As the world's foremost spokesputz for the smoky fumes of everlasting hellfire, we wish Leary luck in his new ABC sitcom.

8. Andre, why do you keep coming back? I told you to go away but you just won't listen. No you can't borrow my car. Please leave or I'm calling the police, and don't touch anything on your way out. Hoo boy are you going to get what's coming to you. 

7. Was that Bobby Knight seen having a late brunch with The Wicked One at Chez Deelane last week? Some people think that Laurence Grobel conducts the interviews for Playboy. Some of us know better.

6. The Sony Corporation, makers of such fine videotape machines as the one that failed to tape for me the last 15 minutes of last night's episode of The Practice. Bobby's burning, Sony, and so are you.

5.  Skip Press is surely going to hell for sending me the following joke: Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

4. Andy Dick continues to give the dominion of the hideous beast a bad name with his brazen earthly escapades. How he managed to hide the pitchfork marks with whipped cream when he popped out of a cake and bared his bottom on MTV this week was simply brilliant. 

3. Everyone laughed and thought Kathie Lee Gifford was being facetious when she said "My sweatshops do really well" at a press conference for her forthcoming E! movie Spinning Out of Control. She wasn't.

2. How does Sesame Street's Elmo manage to stay looking so young on a show that turned 30 years old this week? He's a hand puppet.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Who's paying for all those gifts that Bill and Hillary Clinton got before leaving office?  A bunch of Eskimos in the 14th century, that's who. Talk about mysterious ways. 

Personal to Herbert: It's simple. Your son is actually your grandson because your wife is actually your mother.

Personal to Che Guevera: Don't worry, Che, we'll get around to you.
 
 

Helen's Autobiography