Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

February 12, 2001
Have I gone nuts or are Democrats in Washington sucking up to Bush like serpents to Satan? I haven't seen all the paperwork but something's up. Something big. Meanwhile in Hollywood, all problems have been resolved and the contracts have been signed. As of this week, any time an actress lies about her age, someone dies in India.
- Helen –

10. Why was Billy Bob Thornton caught wearing Angelina Jolie's panties at the gym? The answer's in an obscure clause in the sub-suffix of the 7th Volume of Codes Concerning Application to the 3rd Level of Hell, stating that the life-force drained from any male is proportional to the amount of other males who desire his partner. Can you blame him? It's in the Satanic Prenups. He's got to be caught in her underwear.

9. Why did the Stage Deli name a meat sandwich after animal rights activist Kim Basinger? All part of another Satanic Prenup signed by every Baldwin brother. Much more to follow.

8. Was that Stacey Stillman seen sharing shredded lobster taquitos with the Supreme Demon of the Underworld last week at Chez Guavera? Win or lose, her lawsuit against the TV show Survivor claiming they "orchestrated" the show's outcome was greeted with howls of laughter in the underworld, adding plenty of bonus mileage points to her personal travel book of eternal damnation.

7. Why was Jodie Foster snubbed this year at the Cannes Film Festival? Because of Andre, that's who. Andre? Andre, I know you're out there. Listen to me. Pay attention. This has got to stop.

6. Homicidal maniacs protested the film Hannibal this week, picketing the theaters with signs claiming the film throws them in a bad light. "It's only a small majority of us who eat people's brains," declared spokesmaniac Lou Smorels. "Most of us are content to just hack off a limb or two."

5. You know those rock bands who think it's cute to leave their name off the actual CD, making it impossible to find the jacket later because you can't tell what CD it is? They're going to hell. All of 'em.

4. Good thing former New York Mayor Abraham Beame died before the Hong Kong Markets tumbled or Friends would permanently be 40 minutes long.

3. What does Pamela Anderson Lee have to do with the publication of the first accurate map of the human Genome? Yep, it was a trade-off for those home movies going public. Way to go Pamela!

2. In Jerusalem, Israel's prime minister-elect Ariel Sharon is set to meet Ehud Barak, the man he defeated in last week's election. At stake? Kevin Costner's next opening weekend. Pray for peace.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Anybody who watched any of the XFL.

Personal to Billy: It's not in profits? Big surprise.
Personal to Sonny Bono: That'll show you.