You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

 
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

February 19, 2001 

Get out the air conditioners and suck up that electricity, fellow denisens of earth. Why is the temperature of the world's atmosphere climbing at such an alarming rate? Who likes it hot, baby, who likes it hot?
- Helen -

10. How did the Apollo astronauts pass through the Van Allen Radiation Belt without suffering from radiation burns? All part of a retroactive deal cooked up by Tom Hanks in exchange for a third academy award.

9. Swedish chainsaw manufacturers Husqvama are getting a hell of a lot of mileage out Eminem's usage of their product in his stage act. Suing him was a masterstroke, guys. Just don't forget the sanity clause in your original contract with you know who.

8. What's in those new contracts that the producers of Sally Jesse Raphael are foisting upon all souls inhabiting earthly flesh who dare to appear on her show? A one way ticket to the shiny new entrance of Beezebub's Funhouse, that's what.

7. Why are Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise breaking up? One is a the reborn soul of John Merrick (The elephant man), payback time for all those years spent in an ugly body, the other is but another damned tenant in the bowels of frustration in the dominion of he who goes by a million names. You figure it out.

6. Will Hugh Grant make an appearance on Ally McBeal just because of casual sex with a she-demon from the subterranean hellhole? Just ask Portia de Rossi, whose new contract she keeps in a secret safe under her bed, filed under S.

5. Was that Jennifer Lopez spied sharing blackened veal and beans with his Satanic Majesty at Chez Pleelegs last week? Who else could come up with the $750,000 an hour that she now charges for private appearances.

4. How many performers from the Beijing Academy of Dance will survive that icy car crash in Washington state? All depends on Sean "Puffy" Combs and whether he fulfulls a certain clause in his 14th contract with the president of the hottest dotcom of all time. 

3. Britney Spears is soon to make her film debut in a "coming-of-age" road trip to a battle of the bands. All part of a deal cooked up a century ago by screenwriter Johann Sebastion Bach as payment for the Brandenburg Concertos.

2. Why did ex-President Bill Clinton pardon fugitive financier Marc Rich? What the hell difference does it make? Both of them have already booked passage on the only cruise line that guarantees you never return. 

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1.  Muhammed himself was part of the deal that saw Will Smith cast as the lead in the upcoming biopic Ali. The film's opening weekend receipts are already guaranteed to go through the roof thanks to rolling blackouts in Southern California. Way to go Will! 

Personal to Lawrence: Thanks for the offer but I've already got a love doll.

Personal to Barbra Streisand: People. People who need people...are the damndest people in the world.
 




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