You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

 
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

February 26, 2001 

In honor of the 10th anniversary of the liberation of Kuwait, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is lifting Iraq's sanctions against the U.S. this week. Get set for shiploads of cheap Viagra and accurate voting machines.
- Helen -

10. That obnoxious guy in those hideous Del Taco commercials is actually just a poor actor with no connection with the devil whatsoever. But I can't stand him, so yesterday I hacked into the Satanic database and added his name to those who will fry for eternity.

9. Beelzebub is extremely upset that Clinton didn't pardon MORE drug dealers. Guess he'll just have to be satisfied with turning Clinton's brother-in-law, Hugh Rodham, over an open spit for the next millennium.

8. The Dark Demon is furious with the Palm Desert City council's proposed ban on outdoor smoking in all public places, especially golf courses where he smokes his Havanas. Mayor Jim Ferguson is going to have toasty gonads if this one goes through.

7. Where did Macy Gray get that smoky voice? The winner of this year's Grammy for Best Female Pop Vocal is actually Herman Hesse in a deal cooked up with The Beast over the publication of Siddhartha.

6. Will the missing crew members of that Chinese fishing boat struck by the USS Greeneville ever be found? All depends on the weekend gross of Kevin Costner's 3,000 Miles to Graceland.

5. Was that Juliette Binoche sharing a chocolate soufflé with the Supreme Lord of Darkness at Chez Kerheights last week? The same demon who made her beg like a dog for the role that got her an Oscar nomination? You bet!

4. Will Martha Stewart and Anthony Hopkins find happiness together? One is Satan's favorite love toy. He regularly turns them into a dog and has his way with them. The other is an actor. You figure it out.

3. There were some hearty guffaws in Hades this week as Microsoft continued to deny stifling their competition. Good thing Justice Department lawyer Jeffrey Minear has already signed his eternal soul away or there would REALLY be hell to pay.

2. Will Adam Sandler be starring in an update of the 1936 comedy Mr. Deeds Goes to Town? Not if Frank Capra has anything to say about it. Capra was last seen turning in his grave towards the habitat of you know who. Got a pen?

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. The entire membership of the Academy for not nominating a single black actor this year.

Personal to David Letterman: DON'T SIGN!
Personal to Andre: Enjoy the hemorrhoids.
 
 
 


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