Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

March 5, 2001
When earthquakes hit Seattle while it rains non-stop in California, when rappers are white and golfers are black, the apocalypse is nigh.
- Helen -

10. Okay, the new Del Taco commercial in the recording studio is making me nuts. It's gone beyond the obnoxious lead actor. They've got to stop. I've hacked again into the Satanic database in order to assure that ANYONE who eats at Del Taco will find themselves in the REAL hot sauce.

9. In a nasty trade-off that guarantees the spread of hoof-and-mouth disease across Europe, Mike Myers is set to receive a $25 million advance against 21% of the gross profits for Austin Powers 3.

8. Who killed mob princess-turned-author Susan Berman? Her father was Bugsy Siegel's partner. Bugsy Siegal was played by Warren Beatty in the hit film. The Lord of Brimstone had a percentage of gross. Connect the dots.

7. Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt's new comedy The Mexican knocked Hannibal out of the box office top spot this week and Beelzebub is really pissed. If you're Mexican, watch out.

6. Ex-Pres Bill Clinton is lobbying hard for the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on an Israeli/Palestinian peace pact this year, but you don't have to wait till October 12 to find out if he's going to get it. I've seen the paperwork. Picture a snowball. Picture hell.

5. Why is CBS President Les Moonves so upset with David Letterman for making fun of his trip to Cuba? Perhaps it's that little non-disclosure clause in his Satanic contract with Castro. Needless to say, Letterman will NOT be playing the lead roll in the planned biopic of Fidel.

4. Was that Tori Spelling spied diving under the table with the Horned-One at Chez Keeground last week? How else did she get cast in Scary Movie II?

3. Before rock star Prince enters any airplane, the staff are told that he is not to be talked to or looked at in the eye. Strange, but I knew a certain Demon of Darkness who has the same policy.

2. How did Susan Sarandon get her daughter Eva Amurri a part on Friends? Did it have anything to do with spy suspect Robert Hanssen compromising U.S. intelligence operatives in Russia? You decide.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Those puncture marks in the buttocks of perenial Presidential candidate Steve Forbes might have something to do with the fact that His Satanic Majesty was left off the list of Forbes Magazine's annual Celebrity 100.

Personal to Matthew Perry: Rehab? Hah! So that's what they're calling it these days.

Personal to Marilyn Monroe: Looks like the ruse worked.