WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

March 12, 2001

The U.S. Congress has stalled legislation making adults criminally liable when juveniles use their weapons for crimes, while President Bush still hasn't signed the anti-land mine treaty. Good work guys. False prophets, witches, satanists, sorcerers, liars, perverts, murderers, sodomites, whoremongers, Presidents, and Congress. You know who you're working for.
- Helen -

10. Fans of Conan O'Brian are probably wondering why last week's Saturday Night Live sucked so badly. According to his Satanic contract, signed when he left SNL as a writer to star in his own show, he was obligated to reappear years later in an episode in which there wasn't a single laugh in any sketch.

9. Speaking of Not Funny, why is The Lone Gunman so juvenile and embarrassing? Perhaps they should have accepted David Duchovny's kind offer to do guest spots at a million a crack. He's got friends in low places.

8. Was that Bob Hope actually trying to hit on me when we had breakfast at Chez Krattlenroll last week? Keep it in your pants, jokemeister! You're going down, buddy.

7.  Shame on Nickolodeon for excising the classic scene from Three's Company where John Ritter falls on the bed in his blue shorts, revealing the source of future Ritters. How else are kids going to learn the meaning of the word scrotum?

6. How did The Blue Man Group rise from total obscurity to starring in those Intel commercials? Could it have something to do with the fact that Intel just laid off 5,000 workers? It's all in writing. Their faces may be blue but their signatures are in red. 

5. Why is Afghanistan's Taliban regime destroying all the country's "un-Islamic" statues, including two giant fifth-century Buddhas? Blame it on the fact that The Contender's Rod Lurie failed to get a Best Director nomination.

4. Why didn't the cameraman help Survivor contestant Michael Skupin when he accidentally fell into a fire? Executive producer Mark Burnett claims he would have fired the cameraman if he had put down his camera. All right, Mark! The legions who worship his name salute you.

3. Was that Pui Fan Lee, the actress who played the Teletubby Po, seen cavorting naked and performing oral sex with other women in the British television series Metrosexuality? You bet, all part of a deal worked out between Reverend Jerry Falwell and Beelzebub when he mistakenly outed Tinky Winky two years ago.

2. This week sees the release of two new Harry Potter books, supposedly his schoolbooks at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. They're also supposed to have been written by J.K. Rowling, the ex-welfare recipient who "magically" became a millionaire when her books became best sellers, but we know better. Gee, I wonder who's behind the whole thing. Read the books and you too can be in next week's column.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Michael Jackson, who turned down Ben and Jerry's offer to turn him into an ice cream. The Michael Jackson Bar would have been dark chocolate on the inside coated with white chocolate on the outside.

Personal to Fyodor: The Czeck's in the male.
Personal to Andy Williams: Way to go!