Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

March 19, 2001
Lucifer's minions are fighting hard against campaign finance reform, while Bush is fulfilling his contract nicely as he reduces air emission standards and throws drug addicts out of their homes. A bit more conservative than compassionate, just like someone else I know.
- Helen -

10. Why is the Ventura County Fire Department having such a hard time extinguishing that 3.25-acre pile of horse manure that has been burning for a week at the PictSweet Mushroom farm? Bad Feng Shui.

9. Cord Meyer, the head of covert action for the CIA during the cold war, died this week. Now Oliver Stone is contractually obligated to allow Beelzebub to make HIS cut of JFK.

8. Will debris from MIR, the doomed Soviet space station, land on your head? The odds are 2 billion to one for Republicans, 1 billion to one for Democrats, and 100 to one for everyone who voted for Ralph Nader.

7. Britney Spears or Christina Aguilar: a) frustrated she-demon with fake breasts, oversized ego, tiny talent, and a contract with the horned-one, or b) innocent teenage virgin with lot of moxie? Oh hell, they're both a).

6. Biggest laughs of the week for the Devil's disciples? House Minority leader Richard Gephardt declaring the end of bipartisanship in Congress, and Sporty Spice, AKA Melanie Chisholm declaring that "I won't let fame change me." Oh yeah? What about those trident burns on your buttocks?

5. Yes, it's true, Steffi Graf is pregnant, but the father isn't Andre Agassi as everyone supposes. Let's just say if you're sending her a gift for the babe, make sure it's fireproof.

4. Was that Geena Davis seen sharing braised tongue with Bette Midler at Chez Plessmess last week? Hell no. They hate each other's guts. Watch your back, Bette, Geena's pretty good with that bow and arrow.

3. When Dolly Parton replaces Kathleen Turner in the role of Mrs. Robinson in the London production of The Graduate, will she be baring all as her predecessors did? All depends on if Satan gets opening night tickets.

2. Renowned psychic Edgar Cayce has come back as Sylvester Stallone's mother Jackie's Doberman. He predicts that Kate Hudson will walk away with the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Let's hope he's right so we'll be spared another Rocky sequel.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Whoever gives the longest speech at this year's Academy Awards.

Personal to Alec Baldwin: I don't know who this Daniel Webster character is in your new film, but The Devil is going to wreak havoc if you don't keep your hands off your co-star Jennifer Love Hewitt. She has an exclusive contract with old Goatfoot himself.

Personal to Andre: Maybe if you took a shower once in a while.