You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

 
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

March 26, 2001

Why has Jack Nicholson moved in with Marlon Brando and why didn't he go to the Oscars and who's black limo has been parked in front of their house for a week? What are Marlon and Jack and you-know-who up to?  You'll be the first to know.
- Helen -

10. Sparks were flying when Russell Crowe ran into Courtney Love at a post-Oscar bash. Formerly Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, it's in their current contracts that they can't get it on this time around. 

9. According to ancient Italosatanic custom, whenever a film producer gets an Oscar, for 24 hours all actresses must accept any proposition he makes. Dino De Laurentiis has to decide whether Jodie Foster or Julianne Moore plays Clarice Starling in the upcoming prequel to Hannibal. Who was he seen talking to after winning his Oscar? The answer's in bold. 

8. Director John Waters is going straight to hell for saying this about why there are more stars at the Golden Globes than at the Spirit Awards: "They serve liquor. Next year, we should hand out bongs. Maybe Harrison Ford will show up."

7. Why didn't spacestation MIR crash into that giant target placed in the middle of the ocean by Taco Bell? Guess who owns their insurance company?

6. The U.S. Supreme Court is looking at whether medical necessity may be used as a defense against federal drug bans. Satan's already got four Justices signed, so this might not be the time to invest in hydroponic farm equipment. 

5. The Guinness Book of World Records is up for grabs and guess who's buying? The Supreme Lord of Dangerous Stunts, that's who.

4. Why was eBay experiencing technical problems on Sunday? Bad day to auction off Beelzebub's underwear.

3. Was that the Pittsburgh Penguins seen sharing thin pepperoni pizza with the host of hellfire at Shakey Ground last week? How do you think they beat the New Jersey Devils? Would the Devil bet against himself? You bet!

2. Survivors of Survivor are unable to commit suicide for the next decade due to a clause in the their contract with the All Mighty giving him rights to the Survivor 10th Anniversary Show. Too bad.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Everyone who grabbed a videotape when they got a look at the dress J-Lo was wearing at the Oscars. 

Personal to Santa: It's an old trick. Just use Scrabble tiles.
Personal to Robert Downey Jr.: Of course I know who did it. What's in it for me?
 

dareland