Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

April 9, 2001

The Governor of California has officially asked us all to conserve energy, so I'll make this brief. Believe me, I'd rather be lounging at the pool than cranking out this column, but we've all got to do our part. As for Satan, as long as gas prices keep going up, he's happy.
- Helen -

10. Whoever came up with the theater marquee that currently reads "Spy Kids," "Blow," "Someone Like You."

9. Let's hope those Nepalise surgeons are successful in separating those conjoined twins because one's Hitler and one's Mussolini.

8. Why are top communist rebel leaders holding talks with the Philippine government in Norway? Blame it on an obscure clause in Tom and Nicole's prenups.

7. Columbia Pictures can take their offer of a $25,000 reward for the safe return of four Spider-Man costumes stolen from the set of the film and stick it where the sun doesn't shine. I'm keeping them. I'm wearing one of them right now, as a matter of fact. Mmm, it feels good.

6. Sir John Gielgud is NOT making a posthumous appearance in a new film. Sir John actually did die before production of the film started, but he had signed a pay or play deal with you know who. And the Oscar for best supporting performance by an actual dead guy goes to...

5. Oooh, wouldn't you just love to get your hands on the Oscar that Bette Davis won for Jezebel? Andre, if you behave, I'll tell you who's got dibs on it and where they're staying.

4. The United Nations formally asked the Yugoslav government to hand over former president Slobodan Milosevic for trial in the Netherlands on the same day that Dude, This Sucks premiered on MTV. Coincidence? I don't think so.

3. It's always so sad to report that children are going to hell, but I'm afraid the stars of Spy Kids are going to end up with red bottoms. Oooh, what they signed. Naughty naughty.

2. Is that a worm targeting your unprotected Linux System or are you just happy to see me?

And the number one concept going to hell this week?

!. The bogus friendship between the U.S. and China. Friends apologize.

Personal to China: Chill out. You're playing right into their hands.
Personal to Bush: Chill out. You're playing right into their hands.
Personal to Brother Theodore: Catch you round next time, bud.