Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

April 16, 2001

Thank Lucifer our flyboys are home. The worst thing about being interrogated by the Chinese is that an hour later you feel like being interrogated again.
- Helen -

10. ABCnews.com for reporting ahead of time what characters are about to get whacked on The Sopranos.

9. Harvey Ball, the creator of the happy face button, is squirming over hot lava and wishing he had never been born. Those buttons worked on Satan like crosses to a Vampire. It's payback time.

8. Who has got their dibs on the 14.5 million pounds of meat products recalled by the U.S. Department of Agriculture? Black on the outside, red on the inside, and contaminated, that's how Beelzebub likes it.

7. Satan had a hand in the release of 17-year-old Anne Sluti from six days of capture by Anthony Zappa. I smell sulfur and an MOW.

6. Will computer hackers succeed in transmitting the execution of Timothy McVeigh over the Internet? Only if they want to join him in the perilous journey to the ultimate barbecue.

5. An earthquake in southwestern China destroys 30,000 houses on the same day that Pokemon 3: the Movie does $30,000 per theater in its second week of distribution. Coincidence? I don't think so.

4. Will the Reverend Al Sharpton succeed with his plans to stage a hip-hop concert in Cuba with Fidel Castro's blessing? All depends on Che Guevera, now reincarnated as one of The Spice Girls.

3. After all the help he gave him in the early days, the Supreme Lord of Hellfire is mighty pissed at Paul McCartney for taking up Princess Diana's cause - the worldwide ban on landmines. The tailed-one loves landmines and is currently developing Munitions Relief with Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg, and Robin Williams.

2. Now that Josie and the Pussycats has tanked at the box office, plans for a film version of Family Circle starring Robert DeNiro have been put on indefinite hold.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Intercepted e-mail from the Demon of Darkness to Wang Wei, the pilot of the Chinese F-3 Fighter: "High priority. Need American spy place delivered to Lingshui Military Base for inspection. Bump one out of the air. Make it look like an accident."

Personal to the IRS: According to your website, "Illegal income, such as stolen or embezzled money, must be included in your gross income." Even if you were pardoned?

Personal to Al Roker: I want to have your baby.