Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

April 23, 2001
Who's shooting down missionaries in Peru? Who's flooding the Mississippi? Who's refusing to implement the Kyoto Protocol limiting carbon dioxide emissions? Who's discriminating against transsexuals? Who wants to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge? Who's behind the drug war? Who's raising gas prices? Who's letting ABBA open on Broadway? He's got a tail. One guess.
- Helen -

10. Australian census takers are forbidding citizens from listing their religion as "Jedi." May the flames of hellfire be with them.

9. Che Guevara (Scary Spice) couldn't be happier that Mick Jagger and Robert Redford are working on competing bio-pics of the Argentinian guerrilla.

8. "Jesus is my best friend. Okay? He is my best friend," declared Oprah Winfrey at the anniversary of her hit magazine O. Oh yeah? I've seen a burn-proof document that says otherwise.

7. 100 hostages held by pro-Chechen terrorists are released from a luxury hotel in Istanbul on the same day that Billy Hayes gets a $100 royalty check for Satan's renewable option on the sequel to Midnight Express. Coincidence? I don't think so.

6. The Lord of Darkness does not take kindly to being made fun of. The book Is Our Children Learning? is full of ridiculous quotes from the whole Bush administration. Barbra Streisand better take down that plug for it on her website if she doesn't want acid rain on her parade.

5. The remote control that Beelzebub used while watching the Devils beat the Hurricanes in the recent hockey quarterfinals had nothing to do with his television set. Patrik Elias and Sergei Brylin are going to find out it's hot under the ice.

4. You probably already guessed this but in order to secure financing for his latest picture, Paul Hogan had to sign up for Crocodile Dundee in Hell.

3. Word is that Nicole Kidman's new film The Darkness is unintentionally funny due to ridiculous parallels between the plot of the film and her real life. All part of her satanic prenup which, strangely enough, was formatted as a screenplay.

2. Israel is blaming militant Palestinians for two recent bomb attacks. I say blame it on the low grosses of Adam Sandler's Little Mickey.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. The Lord of Darkness was shitting lava when he found out that a Pentagon advisory panel actually recommended cancelling production of the U.S. Army's new mobile artillery system. Someone's going to pay.

Personal to Madonna: I know one of your ex-lovers who wouldn't take you back.

Personal to Chester: That would make your daughter actually your niece, making your son your cousin.