Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

April 30, 2001
Bush promised to defend Taiwan against the Chinese, and then an hour later promised to defend Taiwan against the Chinese. That's the problem with promising to defend Taiwan against the Chinese, an hour later you feel like doing it again.
- Helen -

10. The cop who busted Robert Downey Jr. for standing in an alley, and the cop who busted the West Wing writer/producer Aaron Sorkin for possession of mushrooms. They might as well get out the barbecue sauce right now.

9. Producers of the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, in a reiteration of the entrance policies to hell, wouldn't let anyone in with their own bottled water, despite the 100 degree heat. Nice work guys. You-know-who likes to see people sweat.

8. Because of decisions made long ago on a front porch swing by the flaming ponds of South Central Hades, George W. Bush is going ahead with the National Missile Defense Plan.

7. Sylvester Stallone wants Dale Earnhardt's widow to endorse his new film Driven, which features a cavalcade of car crashes.

6. The crew of the U.S. spy plane downed in China admit they were unable to destroy all the secret material on board. Now the Chinese know the next person to be kicked off Survivor.

5. Millionaire Dennis Tito flies into outer space on the same day that 38,000 mountain bikes are recalled by Wal-Mart. Coincidence? I don't think so.

4. Why did Yahoo! ban journalists from its annual shareholder's meeting? Guest speaker Beelzebub doesn't like his picture taken.

3. Anne Robinson, the star of The Weakest Link, is writing a book. Oh joy. We're all going to hell.

2. The Lord of Evil thinks HE should have gotten the Kahlil Gibran Spirit of Humanity Cross-Cultural Understanding Award instead of Sting, who is going to find out what REALLY stings.

And the number one people going to hell this week?

1. Citizens of Florida because Satan's bitch Katherine Harris is considering running for congress. With Buchanan's backing, looks like she's got a chance.

Personal to Ford: Give me a car.
Personal to Regis Philbin: Who wants to have your baby?