Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

May 7, 2001
The Chairman of the underground is concerned over the plans of the Coachella Valley to form its own power company, declare eminent domain over the windmills, remove them from the California state grid, and use their power for the valley only. On one hand, more coal will be burned, which is good for him but bad for us. On the other hand, an entire state is denied used of a viable form of alternative energy, which is bad for us but good for him.
- Helen -

10. Whoever came up with the marquee that currently reads Spy Kids, Blow, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles.

9. The City Council of Santa Monica is trying to make it a crime to sleep in your car. No way. It's Beelzebub's job to keep the homeless miserable.

8. According to Joan Collins, “I’d love a turn with another lady. It’s a role I’ve always dreamed of, but no one’s ever offered it to me yet.” No one? Consider this an offer.

7. Evenflo recalls 3.4 million car seats in the same week that Joe Dirt does $3.4 million at the box office. Coincidence? I don't think so.

6. Three cheers for the vegetarian lawyer, soon to be flame food, who is suing McDonalds for secretly lacing its french fries with beef fat.

5. Who made sure that the liver was the only part of supermodel Niki Taylor that was damaged in a car accident? The Lord of All Insurance Policies, that's who.

4. William Shatner will be playing himself in new film called Showtime. Satan wanted the role.

3. Would anybody have known that gay porn wrestler Kyle Bradford claims to be the reason for the Cruise/Kidman divorce if Tom Cruise weren't suing him for $100 million? Nope. Smart move, Tommy baby.

2. Every time ten workers are killed in a gas explosion in a Ukranian coal mine, Liv Tyler's stock goes up at the Hollywood Stock Exchange.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. It's payback time for Cliff Hillegass, the inventor of Cliff Notes, who died last Saturday at 83. One year on a spit for everybody who ever claimed to have read a book when they only read the Cliff Notes.

Personal to Joan Collins: I'll be wearing a silk kimono.
Personal to Andre: Sure, you can watch.