You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

 
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

May 21, 2001



The U.S. will lose its seat on the U.N. human-rights commission unless someone we know nominates an ambassador to the U.N., so send those telegrams, but not to the White House. Point Given won the Preakness this week and the Lord of Losers cleaned up, giving Wall street a very good week, getting U.S. airlines to cut first-class fares, and making Israeli warplanes strike Palestinian areas for the first time since the 1967 Middle East War. The more F-16s the merrier says you know who. 
- Helen 

10. The current governor of Massachusetts is NOT the first Governor to have twins! In a prior life, Jesse Ventura was the wolf that suckled Romulus and Remus.

9. After it was disclosed that beef was used as a flavoring in McDonald's French fries, Hindus demanded that McDonalds be evicted from India by smearing statues of Ronald Reagan with cow dung. 

8. Why is the Toyota Motor Company using the song "Crossroads" in their ads? All part of that deal between bluesman Robert Johnson and Satan. (thanks Mac)

7. Researchers are recommending federal regulation of fertility clinics that alter human genes. Yep, that's something we want the government to be in charge of. Go Satan!

6. They say the runaway freight train that tore through 66.6 miles of northwestern Ohio had no one aboard. Think again.

5. If those eight Swiss potholers hadn't been found alive in that flooded French cave, "Angel Eyes" would have topped $10 million last weekend.

4. Look for Lucifer as an allied prisoner in the new big screen version of "Hogan's Heroes."

3. A certain multi-pronged demon is unhappy that Utah found fundamentalist Mormon Tom Breen guilty of polygamy. Look for repercussions.

2. Will Jackie Jr. get whacked when "The Sopranos" returns? Will Paulie Walnuts sleep with the fishes? Will Carmella leave Tony? All depends upon whether former U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno runs for governor of Florida.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Who's that monkey man that vigilantes are chasing through the streets of New Delhi? Robert Blake, in a pre-trial deal worked out with Beelzebub's new law firm. 

Personal to Jesus (pronounced Hay-soos): Congrats on the new job. CAA is just the place for you.
Personal to Beethoven: How Grosse.
 

dareland