Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

May 28, 2001
How dare the U.S. give $43 million in humanitarian assistance to famine victims in Afghanistan when there are new power plants to build in pristine regions of our own county?! Satan's been upset this week, putting arsenic in playground wood and getting America to buy missiles from Russia.The Red Cross started charging 35% more for blood, there's a movement to undercut congress's $1.3 trillion tax cut, and someone's trying to stop federally imposed caps on wholesale electricity prices. Why? Satan likes everything to cost as much as possible.
- Helen -

10. Look for Matthew McConaughey to star in Chinese President Jiang Zemin's multi-national biopic of George W. Bush, "Dazed and Confused and Unprincipled."

9. 'N Sync's safe sex ad has become a hit on Direct TV's porn channel.

8. "Shrek" brings home $42.4 million at the box office in the same week that 424 children are abducted and forced to fight for revolutionary forces in Sierra Leone. Coincidence? I don't think so.

7. Why did North Korean leader Kim Jong-il stop Bae Eun-shik's career as a professional Kim John-il impersonator? Satan wants the job.

6. Why did Vermont Senator James Jeffords switch from Republican to Independent? In a prior life, he was Christine Jorgensen.

5. Halle Berry got $250,000 per breast for appearing topless in "Swordfish." I would have done it for nothing.

4. Islamic clerics can't decide whether suicide bombers are martyrs headed towards eternal life in paradise or suicides headed for eternal damnation. I'll give you one guess.

3. President Bush met Governor Davis. One's a mindless drone whose caretakers wind the handle in his back every morning, the other's an indentured servant to the king of heat, the melanoma master, the landlord of the subterranean red-hot realm of agony everlasting. You decide.

2. Every time a female college student sells her eggs to pay her tuition, David Crosby's stock goes up at the Hollywood Stock Exchange.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. The Audi A2 gets 78 miles per gallon, has fewer emissions than any other vehicle on the planet, and America won't let them in the country. Go Satan!

Personal to Halle: For $25 can I just see one nipple?
Personal to Bill Clinton: Down boy.