You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

 
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

June 25, 2001

Attorney General John Ashcroft is pursuing a settlement in the federal government's lawsuit against the tobacco industry, making his lord and master proud. Nobody likes smoke more than you know who.
- Helen - 

10. New York has banned using a handheld cell phone while driving, but equally dangerous activities like eating, changing the radio, or receiving oral sex from an intern while driving are perfectly fine.

9. Satan's plans to clone Napoleon were brought to a grinding halt as France banned all human cloning.

8. "Moulin Rouge" makes $3.8 million at the box office in the same week that 38 people are killed in an earthquake in Peru. Coincidence? I don't think so.

7. In a rare reversal, His Satanic Majesty has released Angelina Jolie from her contract due to thousands of women following her influence and getting crotch tattoos.

6. Something's gone wrong with Edison's plans to switch to the new "Wave rider" technology developed by Sea Power and Associates that can create an average 65 megawatts of power per mile of coastline. They haven't thought of it.

5. Acme Car Rental is using the Global Positioning Satellite System to automatically fine all renters $150 for going over the speed limit, whether they're stopped by the police or not.

4. Cambodian villagers are claiming that the ghost of Pol Pot is visiting them and curing the sick. Fat chance, guys. He's unavailable.

3. First the Food and Drug Administration approves Viagra, then The Environmental Protection Agency moves to ban candles with lead in their wicks. Make up your mind, guys.

2. In his dissent from the campaign spending limits decision, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas complained that it extended safeguards to "exhibiting drive-in movies with nudity."

And the number one people going to hell this week?

1. Apple Computers has demanded that their logo be removed from the Church of Satan website, despite the fact that the site was created with Apple computers. They'll be "thinking different" in the fiery pits of eternal damnation, that's for sure.

Personal to Carroll O'Conner: Meet John Lee Hooker
Personal to John Lee Hooker: Meet Carroll O'Conner
 
 
 
 

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