Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

July 9, 2001
Give a kid a dog and teach them how to deal with men. Give a kid a cat and teach them how to deal with women. Take a kid to "Cats and Dogs" and teach them what we fight like.
- Helen -

10. Cloning with stem cells causes abnormalities not only in mice but in Wayans Brothers.

9. Why are swarms of bugs committing suicide by flying into the Coachella Valley windmills and hurting their efficiency? Every dragonfly in Desert Hot Springs has signed a pact with Satan to bring back coal power.

8. A teenage hacker used Bill Gates' credit card to order Viagra over the net. He escaped a prison term because who wants a teenager who needs Viagra.

7. China submitted a $1 million bill to the United States to cover three months of parking of their spy plane, which only goes to prove what I've said all along - meter maids are in cahoots with the Red Chinese.

6. A New York cop impounded a truck simply because it was adorned with a 30-foot tall billboard of a 300-pound drag queen.

5. Why is there a Maoist insurgency in Nepal. How else could they get to show "The Wizard of Oz" without commercials this year?

4. Attorney Barry Levin, who defended Robert Blake against the charge of shooting his wife in the head in their car, was found shot in the head in his car. Dale Earnhardt Jr. won a race in the same track where his father died. Julia Roberts, who just broke up with her famous boyfriend, had a hard time promoting her new film "America's Sweethearts," which is about a famous actress who has a hard time promoting her new film because she just broke up with her famous boyfriend. Coincidences? I don't think so. That's how he works.

3. Would a teenage star of "The Sopranos" purposely get caught shoplifting and risk 15 years in jail? He would if he wanted to be a future "E! Hollywood Story."

2. The American Association on Mental Retardation, an advocacy group for the retarded, has vowed to get rid of the word "Retardation" in their name as soon as they can think of a better word to describe the retarded other than retarded. Why haven't they done so already? Duh.

And the number one people going to hell this week?

1. Everyone who rents the video of "Battlefield Earth" because if it makes enough in home video, they're making a sequel.

Personal to Mae West: It's time to fess up.
Personal to Clint Eastwood and Girard Depardeau: Naughty naughty.