Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

July 16, 2001
Satan's mighty proud of his minions in Washington who are opposing the end of subsidies for fossil fuels. He's happy to let the marketplace decide our energy policy as long as his minions control the marketplace. And he couldn't be happier with the successful test of the U.S. missile shield. Nothing gets him off more than the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction. His job approval ratings don't have to bounce back.
- Helen -

10. A privately administered polygraph test not only cleared Representative Gary Condit in the disappearance of Chandra Levy, but for giving Liberace AIDS and annexing the Sudetenland.

9. The Olympic Committee chose China to host the Olympics in 2008, narrowly beating out Tibet.

8. Abner Louima made $8.7 million when he settled his lawsuit against the NYPD cops who sodomized him with a plunger in the same week that "The Fast and the Furious" made $7.8 million at the box office doing pretty much the same thing. Coincidence? I don't think so.

7. Afghanistan's ruling Taliban movement has banned the Internet, which means thousands of followers of Islam must now make a haj to the Coachella Valley to read my column in print.

6. How come only five of the six sextuplets born in Washington D.C. last week are breathing without respirators? How else could the House kill campaign finance reform?

5. If she'd only given it to me like she promised, publicist Lizzie Grubman wouldn't have plowed her Mercedes SUV into a crowd outside a south Hampton night club.

4. Whoever came up with the slogan "I slept with a politician and all I got was this lousy body bag."

3. Madonna is giving no celebrity comps to her currently sold out concerts, forcing friends like Elton John, Mick Jagger, and Beelzebub to actually pay for tickets. Talk about biting the clawed hand that feeds you.

2. Those four stars of "The West Wing" who are holding out for more money have got more at stake than their paychecks. We're not talking plungers, we're talking pitchforks.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Was that Marlon Brando seen running with the bulls at Pamploma last week? No.

Personal to Reese Witherspoon: It may be legal but it ain't natural.
Personal to Angelina Jolie: It may be natural but it ain't legal.