Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

July 30, 2001
Satan's plan to shut down Napster, forcing teens to switch to other file sharing programs that allow them to trade pornography as well as music, was such a complete success that he threw a party that was the hit of the season. Why weren't you invited? Do you have an asbestos suit?
- Helen -

10. Caroline Rhea is taking over "The Rosie O'Donnell Show." Rosie O'Donnell is taking over Adolf Hitler's job of roasting over an open spit.

9. Architectural Digest is printing Lynne Cheney's personal story of the redecoration of the vice-presidential residential quarters only under the condition that they leave out her husband's collection of pitchforks.

8. Slogan of the week for residents of Vieques, Puerto Rico: "I voted for the United States Navy to stop doing bombing exercises but all I got was this lousy T-Shirt!"

7. Despite a storm that destroyed 200 Florida turtle nests, Brad Pitt still can't get Jennifer Aniston pregnant.

6. Defying the White House and the huge "We want poison in our water" movement, the House of Representatives took the daring stance of lowering arsenic levels in drinking water.

5. Director Tim Burton threatened to kill Matt Drudge for giving away the ending of "Planet of the Apes." He didn't succeed. Too bad.

4. The advertising industry is planning to digitally drop product images into TV reruns.

3. Why is Keiko the killer whale from "Free Willy" refusing his freedom despite 60 trips out of his pen into the open sea? What other way was there to get Michael Flatley to quit "Riverdance?" Way to go, Willy!

2. Bill Clinton moved into his new offices in Harlem, now known as "The West Shwing."

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. The writer of the "Sircam" virus, which I personally got 50 times, has booked 5,000 hours of personal home barbecue time.

Personal to Karl Rove: Thanks for the stock tip.
Personal to the Pope: Fetuses don't have anything against Papal research.

Arithmetic from Hell

74 killed in a China mine disaster plus 6 dead in a West Bank blast times $21 million raised by a postage stamp for "licking" cancer minus 178 nations signing the Kyoto protocols divided by all the members of 'N Sync with talent equals $44.8 billion in fiber optic losses reported by JDS Uniphase plus $59.4 million made by "America's Sweethearts" divided by the $200,000 reward for the recovery of Chandra Levy.