You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

 
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

August 6, 2001

While the socially conscious are burning their tax rebates to reduce the money supply and help the economy, Satan's spending his on a new laptop, and I don't mean computer. Guess who's going in for penile reduction surgery? You didn't hear it from me.
- Helen -

10. Why is tropical storm Barry wreaking havoc in the Florida panhandle. Marion Barry hasn't done crack in a month. Way to go Barry! Sorry Florida.

9. John Frankenheimer is shooting a prequel to "The Exorcist" while George Romero is remaking "The Dawn of the Dead." Satan loves a good laugh.

8. Guess which world leader was stupid enough to actually open the Sircam e-mail virus when it asked him for advice, sending his secret itinerary out to everyone in his address book? Guess again. Yep, it's Leonid Kuchma, the duly elected president of the Ukraine.

7. Why are federal safety officials expanding their probe into potential defects in the Jeep Grand Cherokee? Satan once probed a Grand Cherokee and found it less than satisfying.

6. Dickheads at Simon and Schuster turned down a book proposal by Sex and the City's Kim Cattrall just because it was "all about the clitoris."

5. Why did the house ban human cloning? Maybe NOW Brad Pitt will get Jennifer Aniston pregnant.

4. North Carolina became the fifth state to prohibit execution of the retarded on the same day that generic Prozac was released. Coincidence? I don't think so. 

3. Why did virgin Records give Whitney Huston $100 million dollars, the largest contract in recording history? How else was Kim Jong Il going to get into Russia?

2. Will any more football players die of heatstroke? Not if Gram Parsons gets a memorial at Cap Rock in Joshua Tree.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Chris Tucker. I need a reason? 

Personal to Democrats: The rights have no patience. 
Personal to Republicans: The patients have no rights.

Arithmetic from Hell

13 Philippine hostages plus the amount of Backstreet Boys in rehab minus the amount of stars of "Pearl Harbor" in rehab times the amount of days the Queen mother has to live plus the amount of profits from Michael Jackson's tour that's going to charity divided by $66.8 million made by "Rush Hour 2" in one week equals the 25 years it took for Nick Buonoconti to get into the Pro Football Hall of Fame times 4 civilians injured by a grenade in Kosovo divided by every compassionate conservative in the white house plus 30 million U.S. citizens born in foreign countries. 

Overheard in Hell's Co-ed Bathroom

Ho ho ho
You and me
Code Red worm don't I love thee

Ho ho ho
You and me
Fucking up security
 

dareland