Who's Going to Hell this Week?

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

August 13, 2001
Gary Condit won't quit and neither will I. This week has seen a lot of counter advertising. Del Taco's ads trying to convince us they hire nothing but morons is helping push the Faith-Based Missile Defense Program through both houses of congress, and Ben & Jerry's search for "Citizen Cool" is being countered by a search for "Citizen Sin," only it's not part of an ad campaign, it's for real. Be on the look-out for professional shoppers who really work for the company.
- Helen -

10. 100 child pornographers exposed a global FBI investigation ring resulting in no FBI arrests.

9. A coalition of black comedians is protesting the census report stating that the black population of the U.S. has only seen "dramatic" growth.

8. Japan's Takara Co Ltd. is releasing a gadget that translates dog barks into 200 words like "happy", "fun", "annoyed," "frustrated" and "how come humans don't lick themselves?"

7. The U.S. Postal Service unveiled a Lucille Ball stamp, but I'd rather lick Anne Heche.

6. Why did Whitney Houston take Bobby Brown to the hospital for "dehydration?" How else could Britain restore home rule in Northern Ireland?

5. Britain has opened the world's first stem cell bank and David Crosby has volunteered to make the first deposit.

4. Will supermodel Rhea Durham leave Stephen Dorff for Mark Wahlberg? Not if Cardinal Richelieu has anything to say about it.

3. The restaurant Benihana is sponsoring PETA's annual award show, proving once again that it's ethical to eat animals as long as they're sliced and cooked right in front of you.

2. Why did Macy Gray flub the words to the National Anthem? So Drew Carey could survive his angioplasty. Way to go Macy!

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. What do Beelzebub and the State of California have in common? Excess energy.

Personal to the Taliban: Keep up the good work. Soon the whole world will think that all Muslims are nuts.

Personal to Ben Affleck: Who says you can't keep pitching Sam Adams beer while in rehab?

Arithmetic from Hell

The 20th anniversary of the PC times 118 dead crew members on the Kursk plus an 8-year-old boy who survived a shark attack divided by 8 officers charged for falsifying the safety record of the Osprey minus the Oakland Athletics 11th straight victory plus $45.1 million made by "American Pie 2" times Richard Nixon minus intelligence equals George W. Bush plus the number of days Mariah Carey spends in the hospital times the 40th anniversary of the building of the Berlin Wall minus 32 killed in a bus accident in China divided by 15 anti-missile protesters facing felony charges in America plus $34,567 America paid China for allowing us to park our Navy plane there last spring.