WHO’S GOING TO HELL
THIS WEEK?
August 20, 2001
The government plan
to move fetal research overseas is working better than expected. Look for
cheap Taiwanese knock-off stem-cell lines to hit the streets any day now.
- Helen -
10. People with immune
system disorders will be picketing Disney's new film "Bubble Boy" claiming
it makes fun of them, but it'll be real easy to knock the signs out of
their hands.
9. Stick a fork in
Chandra
Leavy, her story's done. Blame it on the Hell's Angels, and I DO mean
the motorcycle club.
8. Will the Queen mother
allow Prince Charles to finally wed Camilla Parker-Bowles?
Not if Dale Earnhardt has anything to say about it.
7. Joan Rivers'
dog Spike is dying, finally ending Jack Ruby's 18 years of torture as her
beloved pet.
6. Chinese companies
are helping Iraq upgrade their air defense system just as archeologists
are digging up the grave of Genghis Khan. Coincidence? I don't think
so.
5. Despite rumors that
Richard
Geer will be making "Planet of the Gerbils," the papers have NOT been
signed.
4. Will Sony Pictures
be sued by the state of Oregon for citing phony critics in newspaper ads?
Not if Ashley Judd has eloped with Carrot Top.
3. The Red Hot Chili
Peppers are saying they canceled their tour of Israel because of Palestinian
suicide bombings, but it was really to get Jamaica to legalize marijuana.
Way to go, Chili Peppers!
2. Why is Ohio inmate
John
W. Byrd Jr. insisting he be executed with an electric chair rather
than lethal injection? So "American Pie 2" will break $100 million.
And the number one person
going to hell this week?
1. China
has got seven years before the Olympics to do something about the widespread
national habit of spitting on the floor in public, not to mention beating
dissidents to a bloody pulp.
Personal to Al Gore:
It brings out the animal in you.
Personal to Barbara
Bush: Shave it.
Arithmetic
from Hell
42 wildfires
divided by 10 different western states times 500,000 acres plus 5 million
cars recalled by Ford minus Tiger Woods' $100 million dollar endorsement
deal with Nike divided by his current place in the PGA Championship divided
by 8 out 10 Yale University colleges named after slave owners equals
your personal 1 in 80 million shot at winning $128 million in Powerball
times the income that Blockbuster Video derives from late fees minus 75
dead in a Philippine hotel fire plus 15 million Americans with asthma divided
by the amount of children going back to school this week on Ritalin plus
the 30 pounds Rev. Al Sharpton lost in prison
Internet
Site from Hell
http://www.house.gov/gcondit/intern_opportunities.htm
Quiz
from Hell
Which is the
right presidential quote?
a) "Israelis
and Palestinians aren't doing enough to end the fighting."
b) "Well duh."
Country
Song from Hell
ARTIFICIAL
PAIN
You said that you
would love me
In sickness and
in health
You said that you
were not concerned with my enormous wealth
I fell down right
in front of you
When I had my heart
attack
But since the doctors
let me go you will not take me back
Now I've got artificial pain in my artificial heart
because my love won't repossess my favorite body part
They say it'll kill me if I let my feelings flow
Darling I can't think of any better way to go
My cornea's transplanted
and my septum's made of plastic
My hair is someone
else's and my colon? It's elastic
I haven't got a
body part that I can call my own
Darling that's a
poor excuse for cheating with my clone
I've got artificial pain in my artificial heart
because you haven't got the nerve to finish what you start
They say that it'll kill me if I let my feelings flow
Darling I can't think of any better way to go
I've got artificial pain in my artificial heart
Artificial pain in my artificial heart
