You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

 
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

October 22, 2001

Don't panic! Just because those scaredy cats in Congress are taking a week off from their jobs is no reason to get your panties in bunch. There are a LOT of good reasons for getting your panties in a bunch but Anthrax isn't one of them.
- Helen -

10.  I will not be intimidated! My assistants, Sporty, Posh, Scary, Baby and Ginger will continue opening my mail as always.

9. Out of fear of anthrax, Northwest Airlines said it would no longer give passengers powdered coffee creamer or artificial sweeteners. Their new ad campaign: "For those who like it black."

8. An installation from British artist Damien Hirst assembled in the window of a Mayfair gallery was dismantled and discarded the same night by a cleaning man who said he thought it was garbage. Everyone's a critic.

7. All he wanted was a bit part, maybe one of the victims, but no, they went ahead and made "From Hell" without letting Satan wet his beak. Bad move. Their grosses are going to be higher than they could ever imagine, and I don't mean income.

6. A British insurance company called Ultraviolet is seizing the moment by offering an accident policy for anthrax. Hey, why be picky? EVERY insurance company can go to hell.

5. Why is Pete Sampras taking the year off? How else could they get Ang Lee to direct "The Hulk?"

4. Oakland International Airport in California is attempting to spot terrorists with face-scanning technology aimed at everybody in the airport. In a related story, "Where's Waldo" books are no longer any fun at the Oakland International Airport.

3. More than 6,000 Star Trek fans have signed petitions against the theme song of the new "Enterprise" Star Trek show but all they got was Sally Field on President Bush's Hollywood task force against terrorism.

2. What's the connection between David E. Kelley giving Mariah Carey a second chance to prove her acting skills on "Ally McBeal" and the Taliban shooting down a helicopter? Beats me.

And the number one company going to hell this week?

1.  In the year 2001, Warner Bros. will only be showing Stanley Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey" in four cities - Seattle, Washington DC, San Francisco and Los Angeles. Who's going to Hal this week? Not me.

Personal to the Israelis: Keep up the good work. 
Personal to the Palestinians: Keep up the good work. 

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

$12,000 for a ticket to Vanity Fair's Oscar party times 5 million passengers who had to change their reservations when United Airlines canceled flights plus 365,000 tips received by federal officials divided by 830 people arrested minus 5,000 Afghan refugees in Pakistan equals 3 million pieces of mail delivered every day in NYC divided by 28,000 postal employees times the sincerity of Saddam Hussein's offer of condolences to the U.S plus two F/A-18 fighters times the total net worth of Planet Hollywood.

QUOTES FROM HELL

"The movies set the pattern, and these people have copied the movies. Nobody would have thought to commit an atrocity like that unless they'd seen it in a movie.  How dare we continue to show this kind of mass destruction in movies.  I just believe we created this atmosphere and taught them how to do it."
- Robert Altman -

"Attention. People of Afghanistan, United States forces will be moving through your area. . . . Please, for your own safety, stay off bridges and roadways, and do not interfere with our troops or military operations. If you see United States forces, you need to find shelter and not leave it until we have left the area. . . . Your home will be the safest place."
- Radio Afghanistan -

"If the murder of twelve innocent people can help save one human life, it will have been worth it."
- Dr. Necessiter from the Steve Martin comedy, "The Man with Two Brains" -

WEBSITE FROM HELL

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/binLaden

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE FROM HELL

We hold these truths to be self-evident:

Better looking people get more sex.
People with more money have nicer stuff.
Jack Nicholson is cooler than you.
You can't sneeze without closing your eyes.
If you drop it, it'll fall.
George Lucas can't direct actors.

ISRAELI FILM FROM HELL

"Riding in Cars with Goys"

JOKE OF THE WEEK FROM HELL

A psychotic suicidal religious fundamentalist walks into a bar with a penguin on his head. The bartender says "Where'd you get that?" and the penguin says "In a cave in Afghanistan, they're all over the place."

QUIZ FROM HELL

Which would have been the most inappropriate song to be sung at the Concert for New York in Madison Square Garden?

a) Stairway to Heaven
b) Take Me to the Pilot
c) Sympathy for the Devil
d) All You Need is Love

COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL

GARTH BROOK'S LAMENT

My poodle ate my crib sheets and my agent was away
I couldn't book a flight to New York City on that day
I tried to take a subway and I tried to take a car
I know they could have used me because I am such a star

     I should have been at Madison Square Garden
     I wasn't so I'll have to beg your pardon
     I realize I shouldn't get excited
     After all, I wasn't quite invited

I've got a lot in common
With every fireman hero
Their problems and my single
are sticking to ground zero
I sure could use exposure
On national TV
Damn that Paul McCartney
I'll never let it be

     I should have been at Madison Square Garden
     I wasn't so I'll have to beg your pardon
     I realize I shouldn't get excited
     After all, I wasn't quite invited

PLUSH TOY FROM HELL
 

dareland