You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

 
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

October 29, 2001

Here's a fun game to play. Turn on your television and Satan will send you one dollar for every second that goes by without mention of the word anthrax. All part of the Lord of Evil's plan to demonize all white powders. He wants cops to stop eating all those powdered donuts.Talcum's next. Satan likes people to sweat.
- Helen -

10. One good thing about terrorism? Rosie O'Donnell canceled her show for a week after the NBC building was hit with the letter full of lethal bacteria.

9. But Christy Turlington postponed her wedding to Ed Burns because of Sept. 11. Damn you, Osama bin Laden. 

8. Drew Barrymore and Heather Graham canceled trips to New York. Aww, what's the matter babes? Don't like a little danger? Join the WACS.

7. When World War II started, Clark Gable, Jimmy Stewart, and Henry Fonda joined the armed forces. So why haven't the members of 'N' Synch and The Backstreet Boys, or a single member of the casts of "American Pie" or "Friends" signed up? Sorry, their contracts with Satan forbid it. 

6. Porn star Jenna Jameson, cover girl of the December issue of High Times, admits there's a connection between pot and porn. Classified information, Jenna. Don't you know when to keep your mouth shut?

5.  Speaking of cover girls, what is Anne Heche, recently married and pregnant, doing on the cover of The Advocate? Is she straight? Is she gay? Is she bi? All the same when you're roasting over an open spit.

4. Courtney Love was offered $8 million to play Janis Joplin but Satan wasn't offered anything to play Jack the Ripper. Someone's got to fry.

3. Tom Cruise, Jodie Foster, Tom Hanks and Arnold Schwarzenegger are returning all their fan mail, sending all that anthrax back through the postal system. Bad move, guys. Satan loves yuh.

2. Why is Tony Blair sending Prince Charles to Saudi Arabia? How else could they get Bill Gates to appear on the 200th anniversary show of "Frazier?"

And the number one people going to hell this week?

1. Britney and Pepsi. Christine and Coke. I just can't decide. What the hell, let 'em both burn.

Personal to Ronald Reagan: Remember the October Surprise? 
Personal to Ronald Reagan: Sorry about that. Of course you don't. 

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

The Bush Family Evil Empire plus the World Trade Center equals the world minus the World Trade Center plus war minus civil rights.

QUOTES FROM HELL

"I'm hoping my posters cause a car crash."
- Elle Ekland on her ads for the world's most expensive perfume. 

"It's like kissing the Berlin Wall." 
- Helena Bonham Carter on having to shoot a love scene with Woody Allen.

"If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush's head."
— Jim Hightower -

"Israel is pulling out of Bethlehem. Why are they having such problems with premature withdrawal? The Catholics have been doing it for years."
- Hiram Exican -

WEBSITES FROM HELL

http://members.sigecom.net/theclan/Taliban.html
http://www.copvcia.com/stories/sept_2001/bushbin.html
http://www.thenewspapertoday.com/world/inside.phtml?NEWS_ID=31211
http://www.presidentmoron.com/
http://www.tarpley.net/bushb.htm
http://emperors-clothes.com/interviews/brz.htm
http://www.larouchepub.com/other/2001/2839operation_northwds.html
http://www.morphmaster.com/binladen.htm
http://www.bartcop.com/1026tony.htm
http://www.guardian.co.uk/waronterror/story/0,1361,579401,00.html
http://website.lineone.net/~jon.simmons/roy/010929ij.htm

DOUBLE BILL FROM HELL

"Riding in Cars with Boys - From Hell"

JOKE OF THE WEEK FROM HELL

An American Marine in Afghanistan was disappointed because he hadn't had a chance to shoot at the enemy. He hadn't even seen one of them.

"Okay," his commanding officer said, "go up on top of the next hill and yell 'To hell with bin Laden!' Believe me, that'll get them out of hiding fast."

So the Marine went up to the top of the hill and yelled "To hell with bin Laden!"

An Afghani came out of a cave and yelled "To hell with Bush!"

"Just my luck," said the Marine. "I can't shoot a fellow Democrat."

SPAM FROM HELL

Information is NOT the only thing that travels through the Internet. So does your Aura! www.PsychicReal m.com has learned to tap your life energy and guide you through life:

and

POST SEPTEMBER 11: ATTENTION 
BECOME A TRAUMA COACH

Erickson College Coaches and Trainers are facilitating small to medium sized "Leadership Days" for a variety of companies in various cities throughout North America.  We are also currently teaching a four-day course November 15, 16, 17, and 18, called: Coaching Trauma; Coaching Team for ICF member coaches and other respected coaches who may be interested in joining a core group of trauma coaching facilitators, or who may wish to begin Trauma Coaching on your own.

QUIZ FROM HELL

What is causing that pain in your buttocks?

a) a pitchfork
b) a pitchfork
c) a pitchfork
d) a pitchfork 

BABY FOOD FROM HELL

 

dareland