WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

November 12, 2001

The war on terrorism expands into a war on sarcasm, followed by wars on idealism, materialism, and a whole bunch of other isms. How do you declare war against an ism? Who cares when it's the month of Beaujolais! Drink a toast to wars on isms everywhere.
- Helen -

10. Anti-Taliban troops have been asked to refrain from their standard raping and pillaging after taking a town. Damn you, Osama bin Laden!

9. Why has "Absolutely Fabulous" been gone for five years? How else could they get the male citizens of Mazar-e Sharif to shave their beards? 

8. The Red Cross over-collected blood after Sept. 11 and now will have to burn the extra since they don't have the resources to freeze it. Guess who loves the smell of burning blood? 

7. More and more Americans are traveling to China to receive transplanted kidneys, livers, corneas and other body parts from executed Chinese prisoners. There was a unanimous vote to accept China into the World Trade Organization. Connect the dots.

6. Ken Kesey died having never seen the film of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" on the same day that ex-President Clinton asked to resign from the U.S. Supreme Court Bar rather than face a threatened suspension. Coincidence? I don't think so. 

5. Is Scully's baby an alien? Depends upon how long Argenbright gets to remain in charge of security at most airports in America.

4. Iowa State University destroyed it's one and only anthrax sample. Damn you, Osama bin Laden!

3. The USDA is ending all pizza regulations, allowing frozen goat cheese and duck sausage pizza to still be called pizza even if it has no tomato sauce. Good news for cows. Bad news for ducks.

2.  Norma Wallace, the New Jersey postal worker who fought off death after contracting inhalation anthrax, said she was "selected by God" to survive. Too funny. I've seen the paperwork. God was busy.

And the number person going to hell this week?

1. Miramax is planning "Rambo IV" in which Rambo captures Osama bin Laden. Damn you, Sylvester Stallone!

Personal to Ken Kesey: That'll show you
Personal to Mahatma Gandhi: You can turn over now.

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

225 to 493 votes for a Bush victory in a limited recount minus anthrax found in 5 more Senate offices equals 60 to 171 votes for a Gore victory if dimpled chads were counted minus the $1 billion a month bill from the Pentagon for the war. 

QUIZ FROM HELL

Which headline was once in the New York Times?

a) U.S. Will Increase Number of Advisers in Vietnam
b) U.S. Will Increase Number of Advisers in Afghanistan

Correct Answer: All of the above

Bin Laden is to Islam as

a) O.J. is to football
b) Anne Heche is to lesbianism
c) Charles Manson is to the Brady Bunch
d) George W. Bush is to democracy

Correct Answer: All of the above

DISPLAY OF PATIENCE FROM HELL

The FBI waited almost one-half hour before it proudly announcing that “there is no evidence of terrorist activity” in the crash of an airliner in Queens. 

QUOTES FROM HELL

"If we can't effectively fight anthrax,I guess it's reassuring to know we can always win the war on dandruff."
- Frank Rich -

"In a fun little twist, it turns out Gore would have won under Bush's fallback position (that optical scanners read hand markings and some ballots with hanging chads), while Bush would have won under Gore's proposed recounting method (a hand count of undervotes)."
- Slate Magazine -

"The only alternative to victory is a nightmare world where every city is a potential killing field."
- George W. Bush -

"When endowed with profound religious feeling, your skin becomes transparent and your blood begins to turn a thin watery hue until the light of the sun streaming in the window passes entirely through you. At last, having evolved into pure spiritual energy, nothing remains of your existence but a small pile of dirty underwear, damp socks, rumpled garments, a driver's license, credit cards and perhaps a small nail clipper."
- Joe Frank -

"I have forced myself to contradict myself in order to avoid conforming to my own taste."
- Marcel Duchamp -

THE SEDITION ACT

SEC. 3. Whoever, when the United States is at war, shall willfully make or convey false reports or false statements with intent to interfere with the operation or success of the military or naval forces of the United States, or to promote the success of its enemies, or shall willfully make or convey false reports, or false statements, or say or do anything except by way of bona fide and not disloyal advice to an investor . . . with intent to obstruct the sale by the United States of bonds . . . or the making of loans by or to the United States, or whoever, when the United States is at war, shall willfully cause . . . or incite . . . insubordination, disloyalty, mutiny, or refusal of duty, in the military or naval forces of the United States, or shall willfully obstruct . . . the recruiting or enlistment service of the United States, and whoever, when the United States is at war, shall willfully utter, print, write, or publish any disloyal, profane, scurrilous, or abusive language about the form of government of the United States, or the Constitution of the United States, or the military or naval forces of the United States, or the flag . . . or the uniform of the Army or Navy of the United States, or any language intended to bring the form of government . . . or the Constitution . . . or the military or naval forces . . . or the flag . . . of the United States into contempt, scorn, contumely, or disrepute . . . or shall willfully display the flag of any foreign enemy, or shall willfully . . . urge, incite, or advocate any curtailment of production in this country of any thing or things . . . necessary or essential to the prosecution of the war . . . and whoever shall willfully advocate, teach, defend, or suggest the doing of any of the acts or things in this section enumerated and whoever shall by word or act support or favor the cause of any country with which the United States is at war or by word or act oppose the cause of the United States therein, shall be punished by a fine of not more than $10,000 or imprisonment for not more than twenty years, or both.... 

Passed in 1918 but repealed in 1921. Version 2.0 coming soon.

FILM FROM HELL

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

HEADLINE FROM HELL

"Autos Hurt by Hot Sales"
- CNN QuickNews -

QUESTION FOR PAUL MCCARTNEY FROM HELL

Why didn't you write a song called "Give Palestine back to the Palestinians" instead of that piece of crap "Freedom?"

CARTOON FROM HELL

QUESTION FROM HELL

Let's say you're a terrorist trying to get a nuclear device. Would you commit an act of terror against the United States before you got the device, putting the U.S. on alert, making the device more difficult to get, or after you got the device and already put it in place?

DUH!

"Skyscrapers Are Here to Stay, Says Panel of Experts"
- Headline in New York Times -

"We Should Take Down All Skyscrapers Because They're Such Obvious Targets"
- Headline in my mind -

MIXED MESSAGE FROM HELL

President Bush publicly endorsed Palestine as a state.
President Bush refused to meet with Yasser Arafat when he was in town.

T-SHIRT MESSAGE FROM HELL

"My country went to Afghanistan and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"

SURF SONG FROM HELL

North Alliance Girls
(to the tune of, well, you figure it out)

The Taliban girls are groovy though you cannot see a thing
I knew a girl from Beirut who could really shake that thing.
Paki babes are packin', they are better than the rest
I once saw an Arab doll get something off her chest

But now I've got a mama who is so much more than hot
And the way we are invading I just know I'll get a shot
Her cave is clean, the neighborhood surprisingly suburban
Nothing gets me hotter than her taking off her turban

     Wish they all could be North Alliance Girls
     Wish they all could be North Alliance Girls

She never contradicts me when I tell her what to do
She loves me though I've never told her that I am a Jew
Some day I'll be married to my new Afghani jewel
Hoping that our forces never make it to Kabul

     Wish they all could be North Alliance Girls
     Wish they all could be North Alliance Girls

INTERNET SITES FROM HELL

Harry Shearer's radio shows are astonishing these days. Don't miss them. Hey, you're online now, so go here, click on the latest show, and listen on Real Player while reading.

It's true. Clinton is seeking a new intern.

Quick, what do you do with 85,000 baby teeth?

What do you mean you weren't invited to the World Genius Convention?

The war is just another useful crisis to those in power.

A little girl donated her Barbie Doll money to a 9/11 relief fund and now her mail is flooded with Barbie Dolls.

The Prague Connection between bin Laden and Hussein.

All the specific election data direct from the Florida Ballots Project. Counterpunch, Alexander Cockburn's Political Newsletter.

War Mongers 'R' Us

Get Your War On. Political Cartoons from Hell.

Remember when Osama Bin Ladin was Tim Osman?

Is the Attorney General the New King of the United States?

Positive proof that George W Bush is the Anti-Christ.

Sure Ken Kesey's dead but his site lives on.

What's happening over ex-president Reagan's papers? A big fight, that's what.

Simon Mallicoat gives a Bush speech the Mystery Science Theater treatment.

Oh boy, National Identification Cards are on their way.

What the hell does Salman Rushdie know about Islam?

How do other nations deal with Law, Order, and Terrorism? Who wants to know? 

Bush's war at home is a creeping coup d'état.

Exxon saved $5 billion. Hurray!

Did you know that we're using the war in Afghanistan to get rid of our old bombs, many aren't exploding, and they're leaving behind what are essentially landmines for advancing troops?

The Virginia Supreme court ruled that cross burning is free speech. Hurray!

Is it child porn if the child is computer generated? Do you trust the Supreme Court to make the decision? 

Episode One, Osama bin Laden plans a terrorist attack against New York. Episode two, terrorists release anthrax in New York. All shot before 9/11.  What's with the TV show "The Agency?"

Arriana Huffington calls it Operation Enduring Avarice.

Tally Briggs is an actress with a nice set of opinions.

Remember the Bombing of the King David Hotel by terrorist Menahem Begin? Some people do.

What's happening to the money from the benefits? George Clooney knows.

The FBI and U.S. spy agents say BUSH SPIKED BIN LADEN PROBES BEFORE 9/11.

Barbara Hartwell has an unbelievable story and thats not a bad thing. Long list of wacko links, even longer than this.

Welcome to the ex-presidents club and find out about the Carlyle Group.

Bush hosts radical Muslims at White House.

Oi gevalt, this set of Hypocrisy Entertainment Links is so filling.

Okay, when's the last time you read the Tampa Tribune? No excuses. Read Groucho Marx Ruled Freedonia With More Grace.

Will somebody please make them accountable because if you don't, who will?

If the CIA wasn't involved in the 9/11 attacks, what were they doing?

Action Agenda, a place to actually do something. Write a letter!

Hmmm, who in America would be sending anthrax through the mail? Check out New World Disorder Home Grown.
 
 

MAGAZINE COVER FROM HELL
(December 14, 1968)

Airplanes buzzing around twin towers that hadn't been built yet.