WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

November 19, 2001

Who's been busier than a barber in Kabul? Who do you think? Satan thinks hell is the perfect role model for the political structure of Afghanistan and the papers are already signed.
- Helen -

10. Citizens of Kabul can finally listen to music for the first time in years but they're being sued by the RIAA for listening to downloaded mp3s. The RIAA is demanding 10% of all their captured weaponry while continuing their search through the Northern Alliance for the Afghani Bob Dylan who will explain it to us all.

9. President Bush played host to Muslim diplomats Monday evening at a traditional Ramadan dinner at the White House. Not invited, Jimmy Dean.

8. Would-be Afghani nuclear terrorists were actually using instructions from a satirical website that included "How To Built An Atomic Bomb In 10 Easy Steps," "Let's Make A Time Machine", "Let's Make An Anti-gravity Machine" and "How To Clone Your Neighbor's Wife using only common kitchen utensils."

7. My goodness, wasn't that "Victoria's Secret Fashion Show" on ABC just too too racy? Not according to Israel and the Palestinians, who have made the making of a sequel one of the terms of a cease-fire as a prelude to resumption of peace talks. 

6. Speaking of hot babes, have you seen "Alias?" Man, I can't follow the plots but that Jennifer Garner is one hot chick, or at least so says Adolf Hitler, who enjoys her show from the 7th level of hell. "C'mon," says Adolf, "its supposed to be over the top, like James Bond." Adolf also enjoys "Dark Angel" and "CNN," though he tends to stay away from reality shows. "Too gross," says Adolf.

5.  According to the new compromised aviation bill, Harvard, Yale, and West Point are now required to offer PhDs in how to search through other people's luggage.

4.  If you knocked up Elizabeth Hurley, wouldn't you be bragging about it? Why is billionaire Steve Bing so ashamed he knocked up Elizabeth Hurley? According to his satanic contract, he was supposed to knock up Melissa Etheridge.

3. How exactly are they releasing a sixth installment of Douglas Adams' ''Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'' series when he died before finishing it? Douglas, who is now hitchhiking around hell, was picked up by Anais Nin who let him use her laptop to e-mail the finished chapters to his publisher on earth. 

2.  Taliban suicides are all in for a nasty surprise when they find a vast assortment of rubber clothing and 77 pitchforks instead of virgins waiting for them in the sub-basement of paradise.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. According to Madonna's new biography, you are the only one on earth who didn't have sex with her.

Personal to Muammar: You are SO five minutes ago.
Personal to the Ayatollah Khomeini: Who gives a Shiite?

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

The $50 million Michael Bloomberg spent to become mayor of New York minus 2.9 million copies sold of "DESECRATION: Antichrist Takes the Throne"  divided by the 37 percent of all TV viewers who believe it is appropriate for commercials to air during crisis news coverage equals a 300 million-year-old fossil of a giant prehistoric cockroach finally found plus the $15.2 billion Phillips Petroleum Co. is paying for Conoco Inc. minus $93.5 million made by Harry Potter in one weekend divided by the 6 times in the past 10 years the Red Cross has been caught misleading donors.

SCANDAL FROM HELL

A window cleaner from Shoeburyness who won $180,000 on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" in Britain has had his bank account frozen after producers learned that he had been convicted of taking a small amount of gasoline without paying for it in 1997, the London Sun reported Saturday. Under the show's rules, no person with a criminal record is eligible to appear. The newspaper commented that contestant Colin Hallett "faces the prospect of going from rags to riches and back to rags again in less than a week."

QUIZ FROM HELL

One of the top ten list above is totally true, with no humor added. Can you guess which?

Answer below. 

QUOTES FROM HELL

Michael Jackson: "I don't know if I should say this - but I'm very sick. They're going to test me and the children for anthrax. We're all very, very sick right now...My chest burns very, very much. It's hard to breathe. And when I swallow, it stings."

(Michael Jackson doesn't swallow. You heard it here first.)

Jim Miklaszewski:  "Did I hear you say earlier today that Michael Jackson, the entertainer, thinks he has anthrax?"

Imus:  "Yes."

Jim Miklaszewski:  "Maybe he should wear two gloves."

"They say the Taliban beat first and asked questions afterward. They say the Northern Alliance asks questions first and beats afterward."
- Afghani Woman -

"When we do find (bin Laden), it is no good threatening him with death or prosecution. That would be playing into his hands. We must respond in the only language he understands, with the only punishment he truly fears: we must offer him a job."
- Giles Coren in the UK Sunday-Times -

PRESIDENTIAL QUOTES FROM HELL

"The government of the United States is in no sense founded on the Christian Religion."
- President George Washington -

"I do not find in Christianity one redeeming feature."
- President Thomas Jefferson -

"The Bible is not my book, nor Christianity my religion." 
- President Abraham Lincoln -

"A just government has no need for the clergy or the church." 
- President James Madison -

"I believe in an America where religious intolerance will someday end... where every man has the same right to attend or not attend the church of his choice."
- President John F. Kennedy -

"The United States is a Christian nation founded upon Christian principles and beliefs."
- President George W. Bush -

BIBLE QUOTE FROM HELL

Deuteronomy - Chapter 13

12: "If you hear in one of your cities, which the LORD your God gives you to dwell there, 

13: that certain base fellows have gone out among you and have drawn away the inhabitants of the city, saying, `Let us go and serve other gods,' which you have not known, 

14: then you shall inquire and make search and ask diligently; and behold, if it be true and certain that such an abominable thing has been done among you, 

15: you shall surely put the inhabitants of that city to the sword, destroying it utterly, all who are in it and its cattle, with the edge of the sword. 

16: You shall gather all its spoil into the midst of its open square, and burn the city and all its spoil with fire, as a whole burnt offering to the LORD your God; it shall be a heap for ever, it shall not be built again. 

ALLIES FROM HELL

Our attempts to put together a coalition of Afghani tribes to rule the country will certainly include Gulbuddin Hekmatyar who leveled Kabul in the 1990s, killing about 25,000 of it residents. 

Turkmenistan is the "Stalinist Disneyland" of Central Asia. The nation's capital is dominated by a 40-foot golden effigy of President-for-Life Saparmurat Niyazov (aka "Turkmenbashi — Head of all Turkmen"). The statue "turns with the hours, so Turkmenbashi's outstretched arm always seems to be holding the sun and offering it to the people below." Mandatory school attendance was recently cut to nine years, making it "nearly impossible" for Turkmen students to gain acceptance in Russian universities, but education hasn't been abandoned totally: Every day "schoolchildren repeat a daily vow that thoughts against the leader are treason."
- Slate -

GOOD IDEA FROM HELL

Why are we worried what government is left in place in Afghanistan after the Taliban skedaddles? If our system of government is so much better than theirs, why don't we just install a democratic system in Afghanistan modeled after the one in the United States? Good idea!

Divide Afghanistan into states that have their own governors voted in by the citizens of the state. Let each state make their own rules as long as they don't conflict with the rules of the country, which are based upon the United States Constitution and Bill of Rights. Have each state send delegates to two national governing bodies: one a Senate with two representatives from each state, one a house of representatives reflecting the actual population of each state.

Make every Afghani register to vote. Make them decide whether they are Democrats or Republicans because the two party system works so well. Let any spoil sports who don't want to go along with the system go ahead and put together their own parties and try to get elected.

Let the President appoint a Supreme Court that is not beholding to the people in any way.

Have national elections. If one of the candidates has a daddy who appointed Supreme Court justices, allow the Justices to override the election, whatever the results may be. 

Let the son of whoever was ruling before, rule now.

CORPORATE SITE FROM HELL

Dupont Plagiarist

SEDITION FROM HELL

CNN has bin Laden's terrorist handbook on-line.

PORNO FILM FROM HELL

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone

DUH!

"Bin Laden Has Less Room to Hide In, U.S. Says"
- New York Times -

"Indiana is Lacking a Lunar Exhibit"
- The Indianapolis Star -

"Ultimatum to Taliban: Give up"
- CNN -

CARTOON FROM HELL

RAP SONG FROM HELL

He's Evil
(Special note. When you read a HUH? that's not a schoolboy HUH? that's more of a James Brown HUH?)

He's doing lots of things of which I do not approve
I do not think that he can tell his ass from the Louvre
There are so very many ways he's rubbing me wrong
If this were a TV show I'd be hitting the gong

He's always doing this and then he's always doing that
It's no surprise that somebody is smelling a rat
Everything he does is all so obviously fake
He knows when you are sleeping and he knows when you're awake

     I know what he is. HUH? I wanna hear it now.
     I know what he is. HUH? It's time to have a cow
     I know what he is. HUH? You gotta shout it now
     I know what he is. HUH?
     HUH?

He goes around the world. His schedule is money
He says that he appreciates that oil isn't funny
He thinks that he is Truman but his wife's name isn't Bess
He doesn't know the answer but he'll gladly make a guess

He's hiding over here and then he's hiding over there
He's trying to impress us with his personal flair
Everything about him is rubbing me wrong
If this were a TV show I'd be hitting the gong

     I know what he is. HUH? I wanna hear it now.
     I know what he is. HUH? It's time to have a cow
     I know what he is. HUH? You gotta shout it now
     I know what he is. HUH?
     HUH?

     Once I saw his sister
     Eat a boll weevil
     He's evil. 
     HUH? Let me hear it now.

     Once I saw his sister
     Eat a boll weevil
     He's evil. 
     HUH? Let me hear it now

Was it the engine?
Was it the tail?
Was it a stewardess filing a nail?
Was it the captain?
Was it a bomb?
Was it an Arab with lots of aplomb?

Was it the TV?
Was it for real?
Was it a sub-plot on Ally McBeal?
Was it a stranger?
Someone I knew?
Or was it something that's hidden from view?

     I know what he is. HUH? I wanna hear it now.
     I know what he is. HUH? It's time to have a cow
     I know what he is. HUH? You gotta shout it now
     I know what he is. HUH?
     HUH?

     Once I saw his sister
     Eat a boll weevil
     He's evil. 
     HUH? Let me hear it now

     Once I saw his sister
     Eat a boll weevil
     He's evil. 
     HUH? Let me hear it now

INTERNET SITES FROM HELL

Somebody's already made "Harry Pothead." 

Supergirls Unite and beat up the Taliban in this wacky cartoon.

The real women in Afghanistan fight the Taliban in this non-wacky news story.

I suppose it's time to read the complete executive order concerning military trials, from the White House itself.

Don't miss Betty Bowers & Vogue Afghanistan Presenting "What terrorists are wearing this season."

Depressed? Pissed off? Don't despair, go to Despair, Inc. the only site with the balls to say "Get Over Yourself."

Gigantic gallery of editorial cartoons. 

Until August, the U.S. government saw the Taliban regime as a source of stability in Central Asia that would enable the construction of an oil pipeline across Central Asia. 

Tired of all those bin laded shoot 'em up games? Well, isn't it time to shoot some teletubbies? 

Wanna leave your loved one e-mail that will only be delivered after your death? So do I. 

A neuroscientist and Fulbright scholar was forced off a plane because someone thought he was acting strange.

Absolutely, without a doubt, the best ACME Novelty Toy Gallery in the universe. 

Finally, for the gourmet cannibal, Manbeef.

For music from hell, click on classic underground. You like it underground, don't you?

The story of Barry Seal, the biggest drug smuggler in American history, who died in a hail of bullets with George Bush's private phone number in his wallet. 

Okay, this is too weird even for me. Did you know the Florida flight school where the terrorists trained was also a flying circus? 

Need a job?

If you were going to hire someone to handle national Homeland Security, would you hire someone who successfully ran a security agency or a governor? 

The recount of the disputed Florida ballots from last year's presidential election is finally in and the winner is George......Orwell.

In an interview in The Nation, Vincent Bugliosi explains to John Nichols that there's still time to impeach the Supreme Court Five. 

Somebody is already rewriting history. 

US Intelligence Agencies are using psychics to find bin Laden. 

Catastrophes 'R' Us AKA The Society for Interdisciplinary Studies. 

What do aliens think of the whole thing? Check out BELLRINGER’S CORNER. 

Mario's Cyberspace Station - The Global News Portal - has thousands of pages of alternative news including sites translated from arabic.

I guess Majestic 12 isn't quite The Ultimate Secret since theres a website about it. 

Hey, what the hell would the Federation of American Scientists know about missile defense? 

Obviously it's very important to find out what beings from other dimensions have to say about terrorism. 

You can stop looking for articles by David Icke right now. They're all at the David Icke WebSite. Be sure to click on the blue pill, or is it the red one?

Mirror.co.uk says the whole war is a fraud. What party poopers! 

We're using Daisy Cutter bombs. Hurray! 

According to Iranian radio and The Rumor Mill News Agency, bin Laden has already fled Afghanistan.

The Global Consciousness Project - consciousness, group consciousness, mind. What else is there? 

Has somebody been watching too much Star Trek or do we really have cloaking devices? 

Santarchy! No force on earth can stop 100 Santas.

The best disco dancing Bush site I've ever seen. 

Thousands of newspapers on the Net. 

Thomas Jefferson warned about generational tyranny in which future generations pay for our mistakes.

Why am I not surprised that CNN has ordered its reporters not to tell the other side of the story? 

Hey what do you know? Conservatives are against dissent. 

This Isn't the Speech I Expected to Give Today - Keynote Address By Bill Moyers.

That new Patriot Bill is very long. Here are some insights from people who actually read it. 

The headline says Bush won but the story says he lost. What the hell is going on? It's the Overvotes, Stupid! 

Is Wayne Newton's tour a military disaster waiting to happen? 

What if modern media were covering world war II? I think it might go something like this.

Is bin Laden a trustafarian? (a rastafarian with a trust fund) 

15 of the 19 men who participated in the Sept.11 attacks were Saudi citizens but Saudi Arabia had nothing to do with it. Right. 

See the news delivered by a computer generated bitch with green hair. 

John Dean explains The Problems With Bush's Executive Order Burying Presidential Records.

"How to Look Afghan" isn't coming out this fall. See all the books that were cancelled by 911.

GEORGE W. SUBURBIA

Answer to Quiz from Hell: 8