WINDOWS SEARCH FROM HELL

Hello, and welcome to
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

November 26, 2001

This week, for the first time, I discovered the true meaning of hell in the deepest personal sense. I had a list of nine and try though I might I could not come up with a ten. Can you imagine what it was like to have to actively search for someone, anyone, who was going to hell this week? Usually it's like shooting fish in a barrel. I guess it always gets this way around Christmas time. People are on their best behavior so the pickings are slim. If you know of someone who is going to hell, please don't hesitate to report them to me.
- Helen -

10. The Northern Alliance has won themselves a free, all expenses paid trip to Bonn, Germany in exchange for beating the crap out of some bad guys when the United States called up the "War in Afghanistan" program on their new international holo-deck (TM: Paramount Pictures)

9. Also in attendance at this discussion in Germany to create a "broad-based government" for the NEW Afghanistan, Mohammad Zahir Shah, the 87-year-old former king who was exiled to Italy after his ouster in 1973. He's REALLY looking forward to his visit to Germany and hopes to pick up a bootleg video of Harry Potter.

8. The Cyprus Group have never been to Germany but they've seen all the movies. They strenuously object to renaming the country New Afghanistan because they've already printed up a bunch of T-shirts that just say Afghanistan. These wacky anti-monarchist Afghan exiles are thought to be allied with Iran, but are in fact allied with McDonalds, who wish to introduce a new line of Afghani Happy Meals. (Insert your own punchline here)

7. Hey, don't forget about The Peshawar Group, who are greatly looking forward to sitting at a table for the first time in their wretched lives. These exiled ethnic Pashtuns have the table manners of a goat and they've got Paki written all over them, which probably means Burger King.

6. Hey, does China have a seat at the table? They've sat at tables before and they share a border, don't they? Who's going to say no to China wanting a seat at the table? Not me.

5. Can you imagine what's going to happen when the Local Pashtuns find themselves among the civilized in Germany? Just because they represent about 40 percent of the Afghan population doesn't mean they don't play their music WAY too loud. 

4. India wants in and India wants in big. Representing India, and Uncle Ben's, will be DEVO in a special reunion deal to feed the third world and buy them a new house.

3. Ahmad Fawzi said the United Nations was really hoping that business is wrapped up in three to five days because they've only booked the room through the weekend. 

2.  A real fly in the ointment is Gulbuddin Hekmatyar who leveled Kabul in the 1990s. Since then he's become Greta Hekmatyar - mistress of darkness, hosting a late nite horror show only available on cable in Uzbekistan.

And the number one people going to hell this week?

1. Representing the Taliban will be an unholy alliance between Johnny Cochran and John Edward.

Personal to Mona: What gives?
Personal to Andre: So what?

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

5,000 presumed dead minus 3,800 presumed dead plus 1 cloned human embryo times China being admitted as a member in the World Trade Organization minus the amount of Marines in Afghanistan equals 1,000s of bootleg video copies of Harry Potter flooding the streets of China minus 1,147 unnamed persons incarcerated in the INVESTIGATION times the exchange rate of pesos to Eurodollars.

 
 

QUIZ FROM HELL

What am I wearing?

a) camouflage pants 
b) disco boots
c} a pink teddy
d) a string of pearls
e) all of the above

Answer: Wouldn't you like to know.
 

  QUOTES FROM HELL "Bin Laden knew he would be a big deal after 9-11, so he signed with William Morris. That's why no one knows where he is or how to find him."
- Jay Johnson, comedian and ventriloquist -

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that....The chain reaction of evil- hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."
- Martin Luther King -

"I am going to support Gov. Bush during this crisis and I will stand behind Gov. Bush until this war has ended. And if he does a good job we may even elect him for the first time in 2004.
- George Carlin -

"The national government will maintain and defend the foundations on which the power of our nation rests. It will offer strong protection to Christianity as the very basis of our collective morality.  Today Christians stand at the head of our country. We want to fill our culture again with the Christian spirit.  We want to burn out all the recent immoral developments in literature, in the theatre, and in the press - in short, we want to burn out the poison of immorality which has entered into our whole life and culture as a result of liberal excess during the past few years." 
- Snoop "Doggy" Hitler -

"Accustomed to trample on the rights of others, you have lost the genius of your own independence and become fit subjects for the first cunning tyrant who rises among you."
- Abraham Lincoln -
 

DUH!

"U.S. should have ousted Saddam Hussein, ex-secretary of state says"
- CNN -

HIGH OF THE WEEK FROM HELL

Put a birth control patch on your left arm, a nicotine patch on your right, and lay back.
 

This week's
CARTOONS FROM HELL
courtesy of Turtopia
 

PATRIOTIC SONG FROM HELL

The Terrorist Anthem

I am just a terrorist
My cave is far from cozy
I don't let it get me down
My outlook is so rosy

No matter what they think of me
I know that I'm the best
When I've got a home-made bomb across my chest

     I never got to vote 
     but I know if I did
     I'd dimple my chad for Bush's kid
     American elections leave little to doubt
     Thank God it's not a liberal who's smoking me out
     Thank God it's not a liberal who's smoking me out

I really like to suffer and so suffer I shall do
You can say I'm crazy but I'm rubber and you're glue
You think you're so great with all your entertaining scandals
I would like to see you walk a mile in my sandals.

     I never have fun
     but I know if I did
     I'd dimply my chad for Bush's kid
     Give me a conservative instead of a red
     Thank God it's not a liberal who shot me in the head
     Thank God it's not a liberal who shot me in the head

INTERNET SITES FROM HELL

What the hell is Wen Ho's wife doing with all those missing nuclear tapes?

Why has Vanessa Leggett spent more time in an American jail than any other writer for refusing to turn over research material to a court? Do they think she might know something about the murder that they don't already know, or are they more concerned about what she might write about them?

So far, more journalists have been killed in this war than American or British soldiers.

As though you needed another spectacular collection of news links.

The Big Idea, AKA The Theory of Everything, By Robert Wright, still doesn't explain Michael Jackson

Geez, what would an ex-president who was actually elected know about anything?

Nobody on earth has benefited more from the events of 911 than these guys.

After we've cracked down on all those terrorist cells, it'll be time to crack down on all those terrorist stem cells.

Ever wonder what President Gore would be doing right now?  Since he's not talking, here's someone else speaking for him.

"Assault on Liberty - Military Justice Is to Justice as Military Music Is to Music" by Alan M. Dershowitz

How's your brain working today? Want a free MRI?  UCLA is looking for volunteers.

The US has booked all the time on commercial satellites over Afghanistan so nobody else can see what's going on. Good war tactics AND a good way to hide something.

According to this putz, no matter what we do, we cannot do without Saudi Oil. Live it, or live with it.

Two FBI agents walk into an art gallery looking for terrorists and all they find is art that they need explained.

Afghani engineer Golam Sediq will never forget the day he was woken up by a crate full of U.S. food falling through his roof.

The Federal Government isn't asking libraries to destroy research material, are they?  You bet they are. Go Satan!

In the midst of all this madness, how did the media neglect to mention that Congress gave itself a nice big raise? How did they miss that?

Sex on the Sand - a lovely domestic visit with the bin Ladens.

The U.S. can be two places at once! Witness the simultaneous crackdowns on the Taliban in Afghanistan and medical marijuana in California.

I assume you're already reading Dubya's Dayly Diary, written by Madeleine Begun Kane, but check out her collection of links.

Tired of GOOD food? Don't miss Recipes Of The Damned.

True or false? In response to the $25 million bounty on bin Laden's head, the Taliban has offered $50 million for Bush's.

Incompetent? Don't worry about it. Promotion is on the way.

THANKSGIVING LEWINSKY FROM HELL