Hello, thank you for not hating me
and welcome to
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?
December 3, 2001
George Harrison's ashes are headed to the
banks of the Ganges in India, not the banks of the River Styx in hell,
despite the fact that not one penny of his $300 million estate was left
to Satan, who claims the White Album got him through some really hard times.
- Helen -
10. Iraq agreed to let U.N. inspectors
back into the country to determine whether they are building weapons of
mass destruction as long as America allows U.N. inspectors into
Florida to recount the ballots.
9. Al Roker and Martha Stewart
were caught going at it hot and heavy during a screening of Harry Potter.
Their love child is destined to eat itself to death.
8. Philippine rebels agreed to release
a dozen hostages as long as "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" isn't cancelled.
7. Late at night, the wax statue of Nicole
Kidman at Madame Tussaud’s makes love to the wax statue of Mimi
Rogers.
6. The ASPCA wants you to be prepared
for the next terrorist attack by putting together a first aid kit for your
dog, cat, bird, turtle or fish. Gramma can take care of herself.
5. Julia Roberts will be taking off
her clothes for Steven Soderbergh's next movie, "Full Frontal,"
which is a sequel to "sex, lies and videotape." Doing make-up: Satan.
4. Mephisto loves the two-wheeled personal
transportation device "Ginger," which works particularly well if
you've got a tail.
3. A basketful of puppies was found
dead of anthrax this week.
2. Will the U.S. invade Iraq?
All depends if "Songs from the West Coast" really is Elton John's
last album.
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. Now that Britney Spears is 20, she still
won't have sex with you.
Personal to Yasser: Time's up.
Personal to mom: Get a grip.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
104 unknown detainees minus 93 named by
Attorney General Ashcroft plus 538 held on immigration violations divided
by every Palestinian provocateur in the mid-east equals every Israeli provocateur
in the mid-east times 17,000 Internet cafes closed by Chinese authorities.
QUIZ FROM HELL
Congratulations, you got the correct
answer in last week's quiz. And your prize is...
a) Two tickets to the Elian Gonzalez
Museum in his old home in Miami
b) Two tickets to the George Bush
Library to inspect the empty shelves
c) Two tickets for the new Taliban
version of "The Producers," featuring "Springtime for bin Laden."
d) A kick in the groin
EASIEST REWRITE FROM HELL
President Bush Monday criticized the
creation of human embryos through cloning as "morally wrong" and "bad public
policy," saying the procedure should not be allowed.
- CNN -
Human embryos Monday criticized the
creation of the Bush Presidency through fraud as "morally wrong" and "bad
public policy," saying the procedure should not be allowed.
- CNN -
INTERESTING FACT ABOUT CITIZEN KANE
THAT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH HELL
In the scene where Kane and his entourage
set off for the beach from Xanadu, large birds are seen flying across the
background. In fact, the process shot footage was taken from RKO's "King
Kong" to reduce costs, and the birds are, in fact, pterodactyls.
TOON FROM HELL
QUOTES FROM HELL
According to Taliban penal codes, the
following are unclean:
"Pork, pig, pig oil, anything made
from human hair, satellite dishes, cinematography, any equipment that produces
the joy of music, pool tables, chess, masks, alcohol, tapes, computers,
VCR's, televisions, anything that propagates sex and is full of music,
wine, lobster, nail polish, firecrackers, statues, sewing catalogs, pictures,
Christmas cards."
"He's a Really Good Boy"
- Parents of the American Taliban
who turned up in a fortress in Northern Afghanistan -
"The best screeners were elderly widows.
They had great powers of concentration and weren't worried about having
a date or going out that night for a beer."
- Orlo Steele, a former FAA security
chief, on baggage checkers -
"The west doesn't allow Hitlers."
- Paul McCartney
"You want relevance when it's appropriate"
- Les Moonves -
CONTRADICTION IN TERMS FROM HELL
"We need a new Warren Commission. We
need the truth."
- Senator Joseph Lieberman -
NIGHTMARE FROM HELL
You just got your daddy's job and you're
looking for a war, any war, because you want to go to war just like your
daddy did. The Taliban look like a nice target, mean and nasty looking,
committing atrocities galore, and pre-packaged with some nice hostages
from the Red Cross who were only trying to spread God's word. You draw
up the plans. You're ready to go. All you need is an excuse. You hear that
something's planned for 9/11, a possible highjacking put together by people
hidden by the Taliban. Perfect. Small potatoes. You ignore it, secretly
hoping it happens because you want to go to war BAD. You purposely distance
yourself from events, planning to be visiting an elementary school in a
distant state when whatever happens happens. You're expecting maybe a couple
hundred dead, nothing, a drop in the bucket in the annals of war, perfect
justification for attacking a foreign country. You are shocked as hell
when you find thousands dead in New York. What a fucking idiot! You remember
that intelligence meeting where you were told that all they had was boxcutters,
and you said, "Yeah, boxcutters, how much damage could they do?" It's a
deal gone bad, where someone smarter than you played you like a chump,
and you are PISSED because you had them in your grasp and you let them
go, and you're running, running against the wind so you're not going anywhere,
like the air is Jell-O, you keep fighting through it till you remember
hey, no one ever has to know about it, you can just dispose of the freedom
of information act and suddenly you're happy as a clam inside because,
hey, you get to go to war, just like your daddy did but...
you wake up.
DUH!
"He just doesn't feel to me like the
surrendering type."
- Donald Rumsfeld, secretary of defense,
on Mullah Muhammad Omar -
"American soldiers may be just beginning
one of their most important and difficult missions."
- Washington Post -
"You know, only dumb people try to
impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do."
- Chris Rock -
COUNTRY SONG
FROM HELL
Prisoner of War
Life is so exciting when you're living
in a cave
Sitting on a rock is the excitement that
I crave
Suddenly my life is such an awful bloody
bore
Now that I'm a prisoner of war
Yeah, I guess they feed us and the food
is rather tasty
The sun is therapeutic. My complexion
was so pasty
Why not dig a tunnel? Well, it's such
an awful chore
Now that I'm a prisoner of war
Everything they tell you is so obviously
phony
I know that bin Laden doesn't eat much
macaroni
I get a tribunal that is rotten to the
core
Now that I'm a prisoner of war
I am an American. I know of what I speak
Soon my lurid tale will be a movie of
the week
I will get residuals until I'm 94
Now that I'm a prisoner of war
INTERNET SITES FROM HELL
Enter the mind of the
enemy, go to MEMRI - Middle East Media
Research Institute
And don't miss Hamas
Headquarters - The Palestinian Information Center, where you can read
the actual letters claiming responsibility for terrorist acts.
Attorneys
around the country have turned down two-thirds of the 1,338 terrorism
cases that the FBI has referred for prosecution over the past five years.
Remember the Palmer
Raids? Of course you don't.
What happens when an
innocent man is picked up in the terrorist sweeps? Something like this.
The devil
was banned from a Florida town. Talk about a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Florida
Judge Terry Lewis says he was prepared to count the overvotes regardless
of what the Gore lawyers had requested. It was Lewis whom the Supreme
Court shut down with its decision in Bush vs. Gore. Which means all those
recent headlines saying Bush would have won were wrong. Gore would have
won. And they say the media is biased towards the liberal?
Need a job?
Is free
speech shrinking on the net?
Are the US and Russia
conspiring to destroy OPEC with The Caspian
Pipeline Consortium Project?
Everybody knows that
what Afghanistan needs more than anything else is Christianity.
Read it in Heather Mercer's own words.
Let William
Bennett teach your children.
The Samuel L. Jackson
Soundboard is a tasty
snack.
The call for a 5-day
waiting period for box cutters, nail clippers, and tweezers.
Everybody needs a bit
of Irrational
Exuberance once in a while.
Oi
vey Pee-Wee.
Oh hum, just another
Afghani
Female General criticizing western feminists.
There used to be some
question about the true motives of people like Dick
Armey and Tom DeLay. Did they really believe in free markets, or did
they just want to take from the poor and give to the rich? Now we know.
Where were you on Buy
Nothing Day? Did you buy something? Tsk tsk tsk.
Looking for that unique
Christmas gift? Don't miss the Taliban
Catalogue of Atrocities.
Okay, so what should
be done about the librarian
who broke the law by giving information to the government about terrorists
using the library computers?
The new Zapruder
film.
Surely you've heard of
HAARP.
Is it high tech mind control, earthquake maker, or just another tool in
the high-tech hunt for terrorist lairs?
PORSCHE FROM HELL
