WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? 

December 10, 2001

A terrorist walks into a bar with a penguin on his head. The bartender says "Where did you get that?" and the penguin says "Hell, they're all over the place."
- Helen -

10. People are stealing the "wise men" from public nativity scenes because they look like bin Laden, and the little baby Jesuses are getting pissed. Be on the lookout.

9. The President's brain is missing. "Idiot Brain and Duck Sausage Pizza" shows up the same week on the menu at Spagos. Wolfgang Puck is sought for questioning.

8. "I can't believe that bastard's running for re-election while I'm roasting over an open spit," remarked Chandra Levy about Gary Condit's recent filing. Speaking from the fourth level of hell, Chandra, also expressed regret that the events of 9/11 removed her from the headlines.

7. Now that Islam has been hijacked by fundamentalists, democracy, existentialism, and heterosexuality have also been hijacked by fundamentalists.

6. Red rover, red rover, let Mullah Omar come over, but not without deodorant.

5. Peter Jackson only got to make "Lord of the Rings" after Satan's deal for "Lord of the Pitchforks" fell through.

4. "It wasn't me," declared Al Qaeda spokesmodel Osama bin Laden. "I told them, look, there's supposed to be a U after a Q, but would they listen?" 

3. Why did they open the "Friendship Bridge" from Uzbekistan into Afghanistan? How else could they get J.Lo and Kid Rock to entertain the troops in Germany?

2.  Representative Mary Bono has proposed legislation that will allow Pee-Wee Herman to masturbate in the Coachella Valley.

And the number one people going to hell this week?

1. Osama bin There and Osama done That.

Personal to Ronald Reagan: Knock knock.
Personal to Halston: Why did the terrorist wear red suspenders?

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

Ocean's 11 minus California's 3 strikes law plus the Taliban's 5 year rule times Bill Gates' net worth equals 4 tickets to the opening night of South Africa's first apartheid museum times the 5th artificial heart recipient plus a $318 billion military bill.

BUMPER STICKER FROM HELL

PREDICTION FROM HELL

The war will continue until 2004 when our boys will be brought home in October, right before the election.

QUIZ FROM HELL

Why isn't there a quiz from hell this week?

a) I'm too lazy
b) This is a quiz from hell, you moron

ACTUAL WEBCRAWLER SEARCHES FROM HELL

What are the words to this song?
what color shud i paint my barn
natural spit
what is a boat?
where can I download?
goth kennels
Where can I find France?
midget plaster
where can I download the library
How tall is my brother?

BOOK FROM HELL

"How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children" by Lewis B. Frumkes

AD FROM HELL

"We would rather do business with 1000 terrorists than with a single Jew." 
- sign seen in front of Goldstein's Funeral Home -

ART FROM HELL

Carved into a mountainside with a tractor
the largest art on earth (4 million square meters)
on the Mundi Plains in Australia near Broken Hill

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Man is a strange animal, he doesn't like to read the handwriting on the wall until his back is up against it."
- Adlai Stevenson -

"Since neither side can possibly win, it's no longer a battle between Israel and Palestine or the Arabs and the Jews, it's a battle between those who want to stop fighting and those who want to keep fighting."
- Peter Pundit -

"Courage mounteth with occasion." 
- William Shakespeare -

"If you're going through hell, keep going."
- Winston Churchill -

"Accustomed to trample on the rights of others, you have lost the genius of your own independence and become fit subjects for the first cunning tyrant who rises among you."
- Abraham Lincoln -

"I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am."
- Samuel Johnson -

"I will take the Ring, though I do not know the way."
- Frodo -

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
- Pablo Picasso -

MISPRINT FROM HELL

OSLO - Kofi Annan, the UN secretary-general, used the occasion of the 2001 Nobel Peace Prize lecture on Monday to make an impassioned case for the United Nations' continued impotance as a promoter of peace and a champion of individual rights in an unstable and unequal world

DUH!

"Bush Remembers Pearl Harbor"
"Mentally Retarded Denied Care"
- CNN Headlines -

"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe. I believe what I believe is right." 
- Guess who? -

HOOKER FROM HELL

 

PUNK SONG FROM HELL

Johnny Walker

Johnny Walker
What a talker
He's a guy with tales to tell
If you spy him
Do not try him
Lock him in a tiny cell

     Ooh, aah, Jalalabad
     Ramalama ding dong Ramadan
     Mullah Ullah Tora Bora Taliban
     Ramalama ding dong Ramadan

Johnny Walker
He's a rocker
He is rotten to the core
If you see him 
Do not free him
We know who he's working for

     Ooh, aah, Jalalabad
     Ramalama ding dong Ramadan 
     Mullah Ullah Tora Bora Taliban
     Ramalama ding dong Ramadan 
     Mullah Ullah Tora Bora Taliban
     Ramalama ding dong Ramadan 
     Mullah Ullah Tora Bora Taliban
     Ramalama ding dong Ramadan

INTERNET SITES FROM HELL

Larry Gelbart on The New Now.

Once he's captured, what are the chances he'll use the random excuse generator?

U.S. Unprepared for Unlikely Threats.

Go to the Cyber Paperboy for every world newspaper on-line.

Wow, go to Segway and use the interactive it.

The final word on GW's military record.

Heavens to Betsy, I hope you didn't miss the National Drunk and Drugged Driving Prevention Month Proclamation from the White House.

Finally, the whole truth about the Tourist Guy.

For the top 10 queries, check out Google Press Center Zeitgeist.

Okay, this makes sense. In order to protect the civil rights of the terrorists, the Justice Department won't let the FBI have access to gun records.

Amazing argument from hell between Judd Apatow (creator of Fox's "Undeclared") and Mark Brazill (creator of "That 70's Show").

Positive proof that the Crackpot Page is legitimate?  I'm not on it.

Founded in 1999 by James Carville, Stanley Greenberg, and Bob Shrum, The Democracy Corps provides free public opinion research and strategic advice to those dedicated to a more responsive Congress and Presidency. Satan says stay away.

The argument FOR National IDs. 

Webpages exposing child "protective" system practices.

Thank God Playboy will finally be manufacturing anatomically correct playmate dolls.

Jeff Rense is insane, but that's not the only reason you should check him out.

Trust me, you're going to need to know how to order from McDonald's in Chinese.

Santa Claus vs. Jesus Christ. It's so hard to choose.

TV Bloopers and Mistakes from hell.

As high tech and arty as it gets, check out vectorlounge.

War on Taliban over, war on Northern Alliance to begin.

Dick Cheney's favorite web links.

How do I explain this?  Breaking new ground in psychedelia without drugs, mind boggling music and visuals from a madman with a firm grasp of technology and no grasp of reality

Who needs magic mushrooms when you can medijate?

The new drink from hell.

Good news for Satan, there is no plan for replacing the president, the House of Representatives and the top echelons of the judiciary if virtually the entire federal leadership were to be destroyed.

George Harrison and the people at Handmade Films left filmmakers alone to do what they needed to do, which is the truest path to enlightenment.

GRAPHIC FROM HELL

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PUZZLE FROM HELL