Hello, and welcome to a special New Years Edition of
 

WHO’S GOING TO 
HELL THIS WEEK?

December 31, 2001

Forget those old acquaintances. Never bring them to mind. Who's dreaming of a white Christmas? Not me. Tannenbaum? Forget it! In memory of Joey Ramone, beat on the brat with a baseball bat. We'll drink a cup of retribution yet for Auld Lang Syne. 
- Helen -

10. Rosie O'Donnell and Janet Reno are having a baby! Which one's being inseminated by what donor from which level of hell? Stay tuned.

9. Why did fans find 37 mistakes in "Lord of the Rings?" How else could the U.S. Army's 101st Airborne Division replace the Marine contingent at the Kandahar airport?

8. The rock band "Ground Zero" are changing their name to "Terrorist in a Drum."

7. A plan to turn the Harry Potter train, the Hogwarts Express, into a tourist attraction was thwarted by the threat of legal action from Beelzebub who needs it to complete his set. 

6. The public viewing platform at Ground Zero opened on the last week of the year in order to qualify for an Academy Award nomination.

5. The smell of sulfur from matches gave away would-be shoe terrorist Richard Reid and Satan is pissed off since he gave him a Bic.

4. Stephen Hawking is SO wrong about quantum-mechanical calculations of particle creation giving rise to emissions with a thermal spectrum. What an idiot.

3. Despite icebergs imperiling the breeding of 130,000 pairs of penguins in Antarctica, Al Gore still won Florida.

2.  Those fires in Australia are payback for Yahoo Serious.

And the number people going to hell this week?

1. Anyone who included "lose weight" in their New Year's Resolutions for 2002.

Personal to George: Imagine there's no heaven.
Personal to John: I really want to see you.
 
 

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

300 million people now using the eurodollar divided by the official explanation for the downing of flight 587 times 7 feet of snow in Buffalo equals 250,000 pounds of sabotaged "Olde Kentucky Boneless Full Cooked Hickory Smoked Ham" plus 100,000 Indian troops divided by the 1,800 mile border with Pakistan times every semi-automatic pistol making it through airport security right now.

DEFINITIONS FROM HELL

If you play really hot music on your stereo system, you could start an AMPLIFIRE.

If you spill a drink on somebody at a theater in Harlem, you need to APOLLOGIZE.

If you pay someone to sleep with them, you are committing RESTITUTION.

If the head of your country has the IQ of a potato, you live in a DICTATERSHIP.

GRAPHIC FROM HELL

QUIZ FROM HELL

The main difference between 2001 and 2002 will be...

a) the price of oil
b) the price of body bags
c) the price of freedom
d) live footage from caves

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Let the people know the truth and the country is safe."
- Abraham Lincoln -

"For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.
- Charles Bukowski -

"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you
please."
- Mark Twain -

"When the doors of perception are cleansed, man will see things as they truly are, infinite."
- William Blake -

"Science fiction seldom attempts to predict the future. More often than not, it tries to prevent the future." 
- Arthur C. Clarke on the differences between "2001" and 2001 -

"What’s the difference between the old millennium and the new millennium? Nothing. It’s the same river of crap with a 2 in front of it."
- Lewis Black -

DOMINO EFFECT FROM HELL

Japan has abandoned the Kyoto Protocol limiting greenhouse emissions.

DUH!

The Bush administration's rules for the restoration of the Florida Everglades contain no deadlines.

George W. Bush warned Americans to "Eschew obfuscation."
 
 

MESSAGE FROM STANLEY KUBRICK IN HELL

Come play with us, Osama
Forever
and ever
and ever.

RAP SONG FROM HELL

Everybody's Problem

You won't see Albert Finney in
a crisis Argentinean
You won't see Mata Hari in
a crisis Kandaharian
Don't miss Rosemary's baby in
a crisis that's Arabian
It's nice to see Bo Derek in
a crisis that's American

     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem
     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem

I saw Allison Janney in
a crisis Panamanian
Was that somebody groovy in
a crisis that's Peruvian?
Be sure to catch Greg Brady in
a crisis that's al-Qaidian
There's no one anorexic in
a crisis that is Mexican

     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem
     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem

There go Mork and Mindy in
a crisis that is Indian
There's Abbott and Costello in
a crisis that is mellowin'
You won't see Mo and Manny in
a crisis Pakistanian
but Mickey misses Minnie in
a crisis Palestinian

     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem
     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem

I know I caught Pearl Bailey in 
a crisis that's Australian
There's not a single person in 
a crisis that is worsenin'
You're sure to see a Bee Gee in
a crisis that's Norwegian
I want to smack your fanny in
a crisis Talibanian

     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem
     Everything in the world
     Is everybody's problem

SITES FROM HELL

Sister Taffy's Friends Of Baby Jesus will make your heart go pitty-pat.

Tales of the Slightly Unexplainable.

Operation Clambake - The inner workings of Scientology

According to Asymmetrical Politics, Bush has skillfully managed to equate opposition to his political program with opposition to patriotism itself.

Merchandise from hell. Home of the "You Make Jesus Vomit" T-shirt.

My God, you've really waiting till the last minute, haven't you? Time to buy a Thing in a Jar for someone you hate.

Wanna help bring Hollywood back to Hollywood from Canada? Check out The Film and Television Action Committee.

The Mystery Museum Complex is too strange for words.

About 60 Israeli spies are being held by the US. Did they know about 911 beforehand?

The last person convicted of treason in the U.S. was Tomoya Kawakita, a Japanese-American sentenced to death in 1952 for tormenting American prisoners of war during World War II.

And you think I'm weird. Check out this Bizarre Index of Weird Web Sites.

Let's all give thanks that Penis Puppetry has finally made it to the net.

Who needs missile defense when all the terrorists need is the poor-man's Nuke?

Liberal Slant - Watching the Conservative Corporate Owned Liberal Media.

John Stossel, the Teflon Correspondent from hell.

Osama's latest video, On the Run Again.

Still searching for that perfect belated-Christmas gift? Get Saddam Hussein's new novel.

Merry Christmas to everyone on death row. The Program for DNA testing of inmates is scrapped by the Bush administration.

Fellow travelers on the ship of fools - Excellent list of alternative links.

Are you a terrorist?  You can't be sure until you take this quiz.

CHRISTMAS PUZZLE FROM HELL

Answer to the puzzle from hell two weeks ago.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."
- Philip K. Dick -