Hello, and welcome to a brand new year
of
WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
January 7, 2002
Lots of Oscar contenders and big blockbusters
opening this week, huh? Like Hollywood, Satan releases his best stuff near
the end of the year, so don't expect any big surprises this week, just
a lot of little ones.
- Helen -
10. Something went horribly wrong with Satan's
plan for film critic Jeffrey Lyons to steal an airplane and crash
it into film critic Gene Shalit.
9. George W. Bush said "NOT over my dead body
will they raise taxes" when he really meant "OVER my dead body will they
raise taxes." Osama bin Laden replied "Dead or alive, makes
no difference to me."
8. Despite the capture of Taliban spokesmodel
Mullah Abdul Salam Zaeef, Whoopi Goldberg is still hosting the Oscars
this year.
7. Houston is the fattest city in the
United States. Israel captures a ship full of weaponry intended
to arm the Palestinians. Connect the dots.
6. Afghans with grudges have figured out that
American bombs are effective against personal enemies as well as the Taliban.
Tribal leaders are requesting airstrikes against rival tribes and CNN.
5. Why are starving Afghani villagers
reduced to eating grass? How else could bootleg "Lord of the Rings"
videotapes already be available In Jalalabad?
4. Which member of The Backstreet Boys
is
the reincarnation of Napoleon's doctor's goldfish? Hint: he's got a thing
for handcuffs.
3. Nike cancelled a $10 million ad
campaign calling their new sneakers "the bomb."
2. "It's really too bad Yves Saint Laurent
is retiring," says Adolf Hitler from the 4th level of hell. "He totally
changed the way I look at the pantsuit."
And the number one people going to hell this
week?
1. Anybody still going to http://sites.netscape.net/gossipfromhell/
when I'm now at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/.
Personal to Netscape: You guys are going to
pay.
Personal to Mephistopheles: Remember that
favor you owe me?
ARITHMETIC
FROM HELL
710,000 mobile phone robberies in England and Wales
last year times 1/10th of Pakistan's resolve divided by President Mugabe's
re-election chances in Zimbabwe equals every sanction taken against Microsoft
for antitrust violations plus 50 overweight middle-aged Swedish men divided
by every celebrity who failed to show up for the AFI Awards.
DOMINO
EFFECT FROM HELL
Still Missing
This historic Ottoman castle
near the holy city of Mecca
destroyed by Saudi Arabia
for "housing"
ANNOYING
PROSPECT FROM HELL
The Tom Green/Drew Barrymore divorce.
PROPOSAL
FROM HELL
Ten bucks for the rights to make the following
movie...
WRITER'S PROMO FILM
INT. COURTROOM: DAY
The room is packed. The judge addresses the
jury.
JUDGE
Has the jury reached a verdict?
JURY FOREMAN
We have, your honor.
The clerk walks up to the Jury Foreman, takes
the verdict from him, and hands it to the judge, who looks at it.
TITLE: "It's not up to the jury"
JUDGE
You may read the verdict.
TITLE: "It's not up to the defendant"
JURY FOREMAN
On the count of first degree murder...
CLOSE-UP: THE DEFENDANT
who is sweating profusely.
JURY FOREMAN
We find the defendant...
The defense attorney and the prosecutor look
at each other.
TITLE: "It's not up to the attorneys"
CLOSE-UP: The Jury Foreman shrugs.
CLOSE-UP: Me at my typewriter as I type "Guilty!"
JURY FOREMAN
Guilty!
TITLE: "It's up to the writer."
THE END
GRAPHIC
FROM HELL
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Uncle Sam
PORNO
FILM FROM HELL
"The Lord of the Cock Rings"
QUIZ
FROM HELL
The next place the U.S. will invade is...
a) Iraq
b) the Philippines
c) Somalia
d) South Central
QUOTES
FROM HELL
"If I cut my finger, we're talking a paper
cut, this is tragedy. I'll go to Mount Sinai, I'll have a team of
big surgeons look at it, I'll worry all night, I'll take Tylenol. Comedy
is if YOU walk into an open sewer and die. What do I care?"
- Mel Brooks -
"There is surely nothing other than the single
purpose of the present moment. A man's whole life is a succession of moment
after moment. If one fully understands the present moment, there will be
nothing else to do and nothing else to pursue."
- Yamamota (The Book of the Samurai) -
"I have forced myself to contradict myself
in order to avoid conforming to my own taste."
- Marcel Duchamp -
"Angels can fly because they take themselves
lightly."
- Lotus Weinstock -
"If the murder of twelve innocent people can
help save one human life, it will have been worth it."
-Dr. Necessiter from the Steve Martin comedy,
"The Man with Two Brains" (1983)-
"Resolutions? Eat fewer Cheeseburgers."
- George W. Bush -
EASIEST
REWRITE FROM HELL
"Mullah Omar is on the Run"
-Headline at NYT-
In the day we sweat it out in
the streets of a runaway Taliban dream
At night we ride through Kandahar
in suicide machines
Sprung from caves out on highway
Osh-Horog,
making friends with a camel
and steppin' out over the line
Baby this town rips the bones
from your back
It's a death trap, it's a suicide
rap
We gotta get out while we're
young
Cause Mullah's like us, baby
we were born to run
DUH!
15 Iranian intellectuals accused of undermining
the country's government say they are not being given a fair trial.
The official recount comes to less than 3,000
deaths at the WTCs but George W. Bush says it doesn't matter, he's still
president.
PICTURE OF ANN COULTER FROM HELL
COUNTRY
SONG FROM HELL
I Can't Tell the Difference
I'm the loneliest Taliban
ever there was
Every day I just do what
a Taliban does
Like I sit here and read
from the scriptures and then
I just sit here and read
from the scriptures again
I'm a loner, an accident waiting to happen.
A rebel. A poet. A man out of time.
Cause life is so strange that I can't tell the difference
between a religion and organized crime
You can
be bold and courageous and find yourself
up to your elbows in camels and grime
When life is so strange that you can't tell the difference
between a religion and organized crime
I hear them saying that they're
going to sentence me
If not for treason then
something related
The rest of my life I will
spend in a prison
alone with my charges so
vastly inflated
I want a lifestyle where everything matters
between the ridiculous and the sublime
Cause life is so strange that I can't tell the difference
between a religion and organized crime
My life is a wreck. I feel so fictitious
A character out of a nursery rhyme
Cause life is so strange that I can't tell the difference
between a religion and organized crime
Once I was leading the life
of a terrorist
Studying radioactive decay
Now I just sit on a rock
and do nothing
With all my friends at Guantanamo
Bay
I know I was bad and I know I was good
and I know my opinions are not worth a dime
But life is so strange that I can't tell the difference
between a religion and organized crime
Life is so strange that I can't tell the difference
between a religion and organized crime
SITES
FROM HELL
From the Media Research Center,
The Fourteenth Annual Awards for the Year's
Worst Reporting
Harry Shearer's "Le Show" has
two Best of the Year episodes, pre-9/11
and post-9/11.
Before 911, Rudy
Giuliani was a total putz.
It's hard to believe but in 1990
Lyndon LaRouche came up with a mid-east
peace plan that would actually work. Digging a canal from the Mediterranean
to the Dead Sea would revitalize the area. Mandatory reading.
Check out this list
of
Bush administration appointees who owned stock in Enron.
What? You're not Kid Rock? So
what? You're still invited to Groupie
Central.
So you think you know what religion
you are? Not till you use the Belief
System Selector.
It took a
lot of balls to put this site together. Celebrity balls, that is.
The ending of every movie, spoiled
forever.
For one brief shining moment
of musical Camelot, everything ever recorded was available in one place.
Now Napster
is asking the US government to let it happen again with mandatory licensing.
One day after linkydinky
mentioned my site, I got 3,470 hits, which is 5 more than normal. Way to
go, guys!
OPRAH
MAKEOVER OF THE YEAR
Why go to hell when hell
can come to you?
Subscribe and find out.
