WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
January
28, 2002
The rain's been dropping like ex-Enron
executives with a 45. Satan hates the rain so he's been undercover, keeping
dry. Nothing like an open spit full of disemboweled corporate types to
warm up the cockles. Anyone got any marshmallows?
- Helen -
10. Pakistanis kidnapped a Wall Street
Journal reporter, making their demands known from kidnapperguy@hotmail.com.
Let 'em know what you think. Forward this column.
9. Jerusalem had it's first female suicide
bomber. You go, girl.
8. You can imagine what Beelzebub thinks of
Pippi Longstocking. He's been waiting for Pippi's creator, Astrid Lindgren,
for a long time. I can't wait to see the videos.
7. "Will everyone please get off Maria
Carey's case?" pleads Benito Mussolini from the 2nd level of hell.
"I thought 'Glitter' was a trenchant and brilliantly enigmatic vision of
the life of a superstar," explains the pudgy ex-dictator. "And if anyone
deserves $28 million to stop singing, it's her."
6. Paul Lynde's rebirth as Marjon the Lion
in the Kabul Zoo is finally at an end and he's back in the fiery pit
where he awaits rebirth as a poodle.
5. 7,000 attorneys have themselves
circumcised on the same day the Pope declares that Catholic lawyers should
refuse to take on divorce cases. Coincidence? I don't think so.
4. O.J. Simpson's girlfriend's dead cat
is
now hanging out with Lassie.
3. George W. Bush hasn't said anything
stupid in a week. Beyoncé Knowles keeps flubbing her lines
on the set of the new Austin Powers film. Connect the dots.
2. Kim Delaney was arrested for drunk
driving, foiling her plot to steal an airplane and crash it into Rosie
O'Donnell.
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. Why did Kenneth Lay resign from
Enron? It was that or transfer to Guantanamo Bay.
Personal to Mike Tyson: When I said bite me,
I meant bite ME.
Personal to Andre: Put up or shut up.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
6 wounded Arab fighters barricaded for 50 days times
the amount of shame Germany is feeling after being chastised by The European
Commission equals 40 million people living with HIV or AIDS times Bush's
9% spending increase divided by all the weapons grade hoof-and-mouth in
Wisconsin.
SPONSOR FROM HELL
HUH?
The man who lost the election refuses
to hand over the White House's energy policy files to Congress because
it would mean "defiling the presidency."
QUIZ FROM HELL
John Walker Lindh...
a) Understands the charges against
him
b) Doesn't understand the charges
against him
c) Will be played by Judd Nelson in
the MOW
SIGNS OF THE COMING APOCALYPSE
An unwashed glass from which Britney
Spears drank orange juice during an interview is touring Germany.
An Arizona couple have been arrested
on charges of leaving their Christmas lights up for too long.
Lisa Beamer, wife of Flight 93 hero
Todd Beamer, has trademarked his dying phrase, “Let’s roll.”
WHAT?
A Dutch study found drinking moderate
amounts of alcohol may ward off Alzheimer's disease.
QUOTES FROM HELL
"This is war."
- George W. Bush -
"They are prisoners."
- Dick Cheney -
"They are not POW's."
- Donald Rumsfeld -
MILLIONAIRE'S
LOVE SONG FROM HELL
Keep it All for
Me
I don't care about your problems
You can keep them on the shelf
It's a shame that you've got nothing
When I've got so much myself
I will only use the Caymans
To a reasonable degree
You can't touch my frozen assets
I will keep it all for me.
Keep it all for
me, boys
Keep it all for
me
Everyone can
go to hell
Keep it all for
me
Blame it on insider trading
I know so much more than you
You can pig out at McDonalds
I'll eat chicken cordon bleu
If you've got a hundred million
You need several million more
If you keep the bottom line
As your only paramour
Keep it all for
me, boys
Keep it all for
me
Everyone can
go to hell
Keep it all for
me
SITES FROM HELL
Check out United
States Patent 5,965,809. Why didn't I think of that?
It's just about time you read
the actual Geneva
Convention for the Amelioration of the Condition of the Wounded and Sick
in Armed Forces in the Field.
This site about The
Meaning of Life isn't Monty Python but it's funny anyway.
Just what the world needs, more
Weird
Ass Shit.
If I had a million dollars, I
would buy you some slack.
Health insurance won't cover
the costs of removing a pitchfork from your ass, but what about carrots?
Did you know Penn
& Teller have their own website? Of course Penn & Teller have
their own website.
Check out these out-of-date
laws that San Francisco supervisors finally give the ax to and try
to imagine what would happen if congress tried to do the same thing. Satan
says all laws should have expiration dates. Vote Satan in 2002. Let's Roll.
(copyright Lisa Beamer)
The last time George W was in
Beijing,
he spent his time dating Chinese women. Seriously.
Want to know what U.S. troops
are currently doing in Manila?
Of course you do.
Did you know Bush's
oil buddies were at the controls of that Japanese submarine that crashed?
I smell a conspiracy theory.
What, you need proof that the
Republicans can't be trusted with the
economy?
Who says Republicans don't get
laid? Not me. I've been to The
Republican Wife Cheating Hall of Fame.
There is a piece
of evidence which outweighs all others in suggesting that the real
story has yet to be told.
Don't forget, all union
members are spies.
The
Sioux get screwed again, this time by Senator Daschle.
Oh boy, there are more
Enrons out there.
Satan's favorite way to have
fun
with a skeleton.
How exactly do you lose four
trillion dollars?
What if the president had the
mind of a child?
There are a lot of bad addresses
for The A-List, one of the world's best celebrity gossip sites, but I swear
it's here. Where
else can you find out that Amy Irving cheated on Steven Spielberg with
Willie Nelson?
Sunday is Internet-free
day, so for Satan's sake log off and go outside.
PUZZLE FROM HELL
Can you find the boob in
this picture?
