WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
February 11, 2002
Valentines Day came and went and not one
of you bastards sent me chocolates or flowers. What, you think I'm doing
this for my health? It was payback time and nobody came through. You're
going to be sorry.
- Helen -
10. Concession stand owners at the
Olympics are now major beneficiaries of 9/11 as U.S. security forces prevent
anyone from entering the games with snack foods.
9. "I had absolutely nothing to do with
the Patriots winning the Superbowl!" claimed Jesus Christ on a diplomatic
tour through the 19th level of hell. "And it had nothing to do with the
war on terrorism, either. Tell those jerks to stop thanking me," he said
before issuing a formal complaint concerning the condition of the local
spit.
8. To the utter shock of everyone who thought
she was already dead, Princess Margaret died this week, finally
joining Princess Di on the croquet courts of the 3rd level of hell.
7. Speaking of the 3rd level of hell, Cardinal
Richelieu had to be moved from the 3rd to the 4th level of hell where
there's cable but no broadcast. He was starting to enjoy "Fear Factor"
just a bit too much, and now he's suffering nicely through "E! Celebrity
Profiles."
6. Why was a replica of the Ark of the Covenant
returned to Ethiopia after it was stolen by British troops 400 years ago?
How else could they get Harrison Ford to sign up for the fourth
Indiana Jones flick?
5. Cambodia is so happy that Bush didn't include
them in his "Axis of Evil" that they're throwing a big party for former
Khmer Rouge leaders. Score one lap dance for Pol Pot.
4. Madonna's singing a song in the new James
Bond picture. Who's going to hell? Everyone who sees the movie.
3. Why do clones die young? What else explains
Kelly
Clark winning the gold in the halfpipe?
2. "I just love the fact that Ally McBeal
is a mom," says Adolph Hitler from the 2nd level of hell. "They set
it up like it was going to be some sort of gag, but no, it really turned
out to be her kid," the legendary egotist pontificated.
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. Everyone who hasn't read A
Valentine Carol.
Personal to Nicole Kidman: No, I'll do YOU
first.
Personal to Chastity Bono: A threesome sounds
good.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
500 Enron executives times their bonuses paid weeks
before 500 other Enron employees lost their jobs times what's left in their
retirement accounts divided by the 5th amendment equals the amount of time
Ken Lay will spend in prison divided by every GWB presidential pardon times
everyone who voted for Bush minus everyone who voted for Gore.
PROPOSAL FROM HELL
(Satan's campaign promise
#47)
If elected, I promise to bring religion
back into schools as a mandatory elementary school course. The textbook
will be called "Religions of the World" and that is what the children will
learn.
Children will be taught that there
is a religion called Christianity. They will learn the history of the faith,
what Christians believe, and how many people currently practice it. Just
the facts.
They will be taught that there is a
religion called Judaism. They will learn the history of the faith, what
Jews believe, and how many people currently practice it. Just the facts.
They will be taught about Hindus, Muslims,
Buddhists, Catholics, Protestants, Satanists, and all the other religions
of the world, their history, what they believe, and how many people currently
practice them.
The reason there is a separation of
church and state is so that the state cannot force a religious belief upon
the population, not so that all mention of the concept of religion be banned
from public schools. Religion is an absolutely essential part of history
that needs to be part of the school curriculum, right up there with reading,
writing, and arithmetic.
Let children learn that the faith of
their parents, the faith they have been raised to believe, is but one of
many faiths on this earth, and that faiths do not necessarily have to be
inherited. They can be chosen. Let Christians learn about Islam. Let Buddhists
learn about the Pope.
Let children PRACTICE their faiths
elsewhere. Schools are institutions of learning, not of prayer. The goal
is not to proselytize but to educate. In the interest of tolerance and
free speech, let us teach our children the facts about the many amazing
belief systems of the planet earth. Let them make up their own minds about
what to believe. That's why they have minds in the first place.
LEGISLATION FROM HELL
As of March 19, 2002, the DEA has decided
that all hemp products will be treated as illegal drugs, including energy
bars, pretzels, and veggie burgers which contain such tiny amounts of THC
that for 30 years the federal government has treated them as being perfectly
legal. No longer. Eat a candy bar, go to jail. Shampoo and clothing is
next. Fight the bastards. Go here.
POLITICAL AD FROM HELL
HEALTHCARE FROM HELL
Thirty-two students in central China are now
infected with hepatitis because the doctors in a local clinic, short on
needles, used the same needle to immunize all the students at an elementary
school in Shibiwan Village. (And they've got the bomb)
QUOTES FROM HELL
"What better way is there to show that he's
not drinking than to have him choke on a pretzel, because that's how millions
of Americans DON'T choke on pretzels, they wash it down with a beer."
- Harry Shearer -
"The White House again refused to turn over
discussions Vice President Cheney had with Enron officials over energy
policy. Cheney said if he had to disclose every time some business donated
a ton of money then came in to write its own policy to govern itself, he
wouldn't get any work done."
- Dennis Miller -
"They blow themselves up in order to get at
us, and we launch 3 million dollar missiles off of giant floating iron
islands 2000 miles away. Who are the real cowards?"
- Bill Hicks -
"Think not lightly of evil, saying, 'It will
not come to me.'
Drop by drop is the water pot filled.
Likewise, the fool, gathering it little by
little,
fills himself with evil."
- Buddha -
COUNTRY
SONG FROM HELL
Taking the Fifth
Everything I ever said and everything I
did
Nobody who's anybody knows where they
are hid
Everything I ever saw and everything I
heard
Are hidden in a bank where all my money
was transferred
Taking the fifth
Taking the fifth
No one can stop
me
I'm taking the
fifth
I don't have to tell you anything that
you may ask
Go ahead and ask me, it's a reasonable
task
Please don't be surprised when you don't
get a single answer
It's just another day in the sweet life
of a financer
Taking the fifth
Taking the fifth
No one can stop
me
I'm taking the
fifth
Nobody can catch me even though I'm pretty
caught
I will get away with it, these hearings
are for naught
Money buys you anything so what is there
to say
I'm climbing in my private jet, just watch
me fly away
Taking the fifth
Taking the fifth
No one can stop
me
I'm taking the
fifth
SITES FROM HELL
I don't remember the
U.S. Department of Justice publishing "Mein Kampf" during World War II,
but for some reason the current Department of Justice finds it necessary
to publish on-line the
entire al Qaeda Training Manual during this little skirmish with al
Qaeda. Way to go, guys. Satan is with you.
Don't miss Harry Shearer's
hilarious interview
with John Walker Lindh. (It's near the end of the hour but it's worth
the wait)
You know that short spiritual
film you made when you were stoned and into Yoga five years ago and were
ashamed to show to anyone and you keep in the back of your closet? Why
not enter it in the Spiritual
Film Festival?
How come it takes the
BBC to seriously investigate the CIA/Saudi/bin Laden/Bush connections?
In this
video, hear a CIA agent say that they were specifically ordered to lay
off bin Laden before 9/11.
Ever wonder how much
of someone else's work you can use without their permission? I know I do.
Isn't it time you learned the specifics of the Fair
Use Doctrine?
Who needs a national
identity card when you can just implant
yourself with a microchip? Or why not plant
them in all foreigners for tracking?
What's the downside of
globalization? $1.8 trillion in Third World debt that an
international court has just decided should be forgiven because it's
"illegitimate, unjust and unsustainable, ethically, legally or politically."
There seems to be some
evidence that Franklin Delano Roosevelt committed treason.
Strange things are happening
at Guantanamo. Those are some unhappy
campers.
Please tell me I'm not
the only one who was insulted by the Superbowl ads that tried to equate
drug use with terrorism. Do
something about it.
Castro
faces international criminal charges. If the cigar isn't lit, you must
acquit.
On the off chance that
you don't know how to glue flies to matchsticks in order to make little
airplanes, you better check out the instructions here
before trying it on your own.
Send an anonymous
compliment or criticism to someone you love or hate.
Make sure your shockwave
is in working order and check out the place where film noir meets web animation
at Bad Cop, an online animated
series about a New York cop in Berlin, created by American expatriates
in Europe.
And I suppose you shouldn't
be surprised that craptv is crappier
than realtv.
Think of a dictator or
television sitcom character, and this
program will guess who you are by asking simple yes/no questions.
In the face of the new
reality, what our leader has decided the world needs is a bit more belligerence.
I guess Dave Barry was
busy, so it took Barry Crimmins of the Boston Phoenix to write this
excellent history of the Bush Administration II. Sample: "On September
11, the whole world changed -- except for large portions of Europe, Asia,
and Africa, several island nations, and those parts of the world where
terrorism, whether state-sponsored or rogue, was already part of everyday
life."
Bob Costas is the Media
Whore of the Week.
Running out of hard disk
space? Go to tinyapps for teeny
weeny programs that do the same thing as the giant ones you've got installed.
Think Lord of the Rings
was about a ring? Think again. Check out the Tolkien
Crackpot Theories Page.
Unlock The
Mystery of Britney's Breasts. No touching.
LiQUiDGENERATiON
is a beautifully designed hub site that makes Yahoo look like shit.
Exercise your bong, then
make your own Kaleidoscope
with this great piece of java.
PUZZLE FROM HELL
