WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
February 25, 2002
Okay, I'm confused. First he complains
about the "axis of evil," then he goes to Korea and complains about the
"axes of evil." Divorced parents beware of the "exes of evil" and all you
19th century farmers better beware of the "oxes of evil."
- Helen -
10. Guess which candidate for Governor
of California plans to offer Catalina Island to the Palestinians if
they'll just get the hell out of the West Bank of Israel.
9. Should British al-Qaeda suspects
at Camp X-Ray be treated any better than the other prisoners? "Damn straight!"
says Sir Ian McKellen, spokesman for the "Better Dental Care For
British al-Qaeda Suspects at Camp X-Ray Society."
8. Condoleezza Rice got an NAACP Image
Award given to those who have undermined the cause of minorities by becoming
willing dupes of stupid white men who control the world.
7. Why hasn't Bush appointed a head of the
FDA, the NIH, or a Surgeon General yet? He's waiting to see how "Queen
of the Damned" does at the box office.
6. "24 is the best show on television," claims
Adolph Hitler from the 3rd level of hell, who doesn't know they're going
to cut him off after episode 23.
5. Tom Cruise is wearing braces and
it's got nothing to do with the quality of his teeth. All part of the humiliation
clause in his divorce settlement.
4. Over in Zimbabwe, it looks like Morgan
Tsvangirai is going to face high treason charges for plotting to assassinate
President Robert Mugabe, but the Olsen Twins are getting away scott
free.
3. Israel prematurely withdrew its tanks from
Yasser Arafat's compound. Brad Pitt still can't get Jennifer
Aniston pregnant. Coincidence? I don't think so.
2. The California Supreme Court struck down
the "Son of Sam" law as unconstitutional, clearing the way for Ronald
Reagan to write his memoirs.
And the number one characters going to hell
this week?
1. Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck,
Elmer
Fudd and Porky Pig.
Personal to that skanky bitch who stole my
place in line at K-Mart: You're going to pay.
Personal to all K-Mart employees: You too.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
Northrop Grumman and TRW's $11.4 million bid to buy
TRW minus every penny of the Superfund cleanup budget that actually comes
from the polluters who caused the problem in the first place.times 373
people killed in a fire on an Egyptian train divided by every Afghani child
given in marriage in exchange for food equals Angola's 26-year-old civil
war divided by every word plagiarized by Doris Kearns Goodwin in her book
"The Fitzgeralds and the Kennedys." minus all the soft money currently
being gathered by politicians before campaign finance reform takes effect
times 1% of the blood donated for 9/11 that actually made it to victims
of 9/11.
CARTOON FROM HELL
Courtesy of Sutton Impact
Studio
DOUBLE BILL FROM HELL
Big Fat Liar with a Beautiful Mind
DUH!
"Columbia Rebels Condemn Government"
- CNN Headline News -
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Daniel Pearl is probably alive."
- Pakistani General Musharraf -
"Osama bin Laden is probably dead."
- Pakistani General Musharraf -
"Why of course the people don't want war. But
after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and
it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a
democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament,or a communist dictatorship.
Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the
leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them that they are
being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing
the country to danger."
- Hermann Goering -
"Liberty is not a means to a higher political
end. It is itself the highest political end."
- Lord Acton -
"The state is that great fiction by which everyone
tries to live at the expense of everyone else."
- Frederic Bastiat -
"Society in every state is a blessing, but
government even in its best state is but a necessary evil; in its worst
state an intolerable one."
- Thomas Paine -
"Every decent man is ashamed of the government
he lives under."
- H.L. Mencken -
HOOKER FROM HELL
COUNTRY
SONG FROM HELL
The Winter Olympics
They have got talent
You have to admire
Not everybody
Can slalom through fire
Hot weather skating
takes plenty of nerve
Those towers of embers
can throw you a curve
Happily luging
between burning logs
Where the ogres
and demons do dwell
At the Winter
Olympics in Hell
Playing ice hockey
on smoldering coals
can cause quite
a terrible smell
At the Winter
Olympics in Hell
Funny how everything
Looks like a pyre
When it's your hobby
To snowboard through fire
Not everybody
can guzzle hot java
While watching a Mormon
Ski jump over lava
Doing a skeleton
covered in flames
is scarier than
AOL
At the Winter
Olympics in Hell
Speaking of judges
who do what they're told
America did pretty
well
At the Winter
Olympics in hell
At the Winter
Olympics in hell
SITES FROM HELL
Want an abortion? Don't
worry about Roe vs. Wade, just go to one of these
countries where abortion is now and will most likely remain completely
legal.
Feeling conspiratorial?
Go to the United Flight 93 Crash
Theory Home Page.
Just what the world needs,
more College Humor.
Has the world changed?
Check out the Sept.
10 Tribute Page.
America is too
fuggin patriotic, says Norman Mailer.
You know who can't keep
a secret? The
Washington Post.
Make your own carbon
atom at A Science Odyssey.
Penn State University
has the text of more than 15,000
books online.
Search for articles in
back issues of thousands of magazines at findarticles.com.
PUZZLE FROM HELL
