WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
March 4, 2002
Much more insidious than the al-Qaeda terrorist
network is the al-Roker terrorist network, whose efforts to destabilize
the country through high cholesterol are succeeding beyond their wildest
dreams.
- Helen -
10. Peace has broken out in the Middle East.
Arafat
and Sharon shook hands. No Palestinians or Israelis have killed
each other in a week. Real estate prices on the West Bank are skyrocketing.
Ha ha. Just kidding.
9. "I'm on the side of those prisoners
at Camp X-Ray who are on hunger strikes to protest the fact that guards
made one of them take off his turban," declared anorexic supermodel Kate
Moss, who is always looking for an excuse.
8. If Fox hadn't announced they were planning
a new reality TV series called "Celebrity Boxing" in which Tonya Harding
duked it out with Paula Jones, I would have had to make it up. Coming
next, Saddam Hussein vs. Tony Blair.
7. "Barry Manilow's new album is fantastic,"
declared Adolf Hitler from the 2nd level of Hell. "After all," he continued,
"if a putz like that can stage a comeback..."
6. Now that "Nightline" and "Politically Incorrect"
are history, Ted Koppel and Bill Maher are forming a boy
band called 'N' Consequential.
5. "This is the most offensive offensive since
the last offensive," declared al-Qaeda spokesman Stu Pididiot after
U.S. forces bombarded the Shahi Kot Mountains in Eastern Afghanistan.
4. Spiros Kopelakis and his wife,
Shirley
Dreifus, say they are the owners of the flag raised over Ground Zero.
"We don't want it back," they said, "and we refuse to explain why we have
different last names."
3. Robert Mugabe is rigging the votes
in Zimbabwe to assure his election. "So what's the problem?" said the U.S.
administration.
2. Why did ABC fire Dennis Miller and
hire John Madden? How else could they get Switzerland to finally
join the United Nations?
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. Sirhan Sirhan is absolutely crushed
that NBC won't let Jayson Williams comment on the NBA just because
he was charged with killing his limo driver. "There goes my deal with Court-TV,"
whined the plucky assassin.
Personal to whoever cancelled "The Tick":
You're going to burn.
Personal to whoever put Ozzy Osbourne in
a sitcom: You're going to burn.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
15 million doses of smallpox vaccine diluted to 150
million doses of smallpox vaccine plus 1 in every 20 consumers who has
been the victim of credit card fraud divided by 10 Israelis killed by 25
bullets from 1 sniper equals a magnitude 7.2 earthquake in the Hindu Kush
region of Afghanistan times 8 U.S. soldiers killed in a Chinook helicopter
minus a 9-million gallon lake being drained in Georgia to find dead bodies
divided by everyone who didn't vote in the primaries.
CARTOON FROM HELL
"Totalitarianism in power invariably
replaces all first-rate talents, regardless of their sympathies, with crackpots
and fools whose lack of intelligence and creativity is still the best guarantee
of their loyalty."
- Hannah Arendt in "The Origins of Totalitarianism"
-
"If the Palestinians are not being beaten,
there will be no negotiations. The aim is to increase the number of losses
on the other side. Only after they've been battered, will we be able to
conduct talks."
- Ariel Sharon -
"There is almost no limit to what you can accomplish
if you are willing to give away the credit."
- anonymous -
"Avoid having your ego so close to your position
that when your position falls, your ego goes with it."
- Colin Powell -
"Ignorance Is Strength."
- George Orwell -
CROP CIRCLE FROM HELL
COUNTRY
SONG FROM HELL
Everyone's a Suspect
They're looking over here and then they're
looking over there
They're searching in the basement of the
castle in the air
When they're tired of looking they are
going to look some more
With all the subtle tactics of the diplomatic
corps
I'm a suspect
You're a suspect
He's a suspect
too
Everyone's a
suspect when they haven't got a clue
Even Albert Einstein
wouldn't know just what to do
When everyone's
a suspect and they haven't got a clue
They're looking under this and then they're
looking under that
They're expert at pretending that they
see a welcome mat
They will look behind you when they see
you leaving town
They all know that looking up can seem
like looking down
I'm a suspect
You're a suspect
He's a suspect
too
Everyone's a
suspect when they haven't got a clue
Even Albert Einstein
wouldn't know just what to do
When everyone's
a suspect and they haven't got a clue
SITES FROM HELL
Axis of Evil announces
big summer tour. Details here.
The
Root and Branch Association is a collection of Talmudic Jews for peace
between Jews and Muslims and Palestinians. Who'da thunk?
Links
to dozens of articles that refute the official story of what happened on
9/11, including "Gaping
Holes in the 'CIA vs. bin Laden' Story" by Jared Israel.
Before you jump on the
"bomb Iraq" bandwagon, read this.
Yeeehaaa! Read about
the CIA and the
Covert Cowboys.
It's two, yes, two news
stories in one. Read about Jews
in Afghanistan.
The
Enemy is Inside the Gates by Colonel Donn de Grand Pré (US Army
- Ret.) is a superb dissection of 9/11 as a military operation by someone
who REALLY knows what he's talking about.
More than 500 people
died last year because of taking Aspirin. One died because of taking Ecstasy.
Guess which drug the Partnership
for a Drug Free America is spending millions to convince you not to
take?
In case you haven't noticed,
Enron has changed its Voice Mail
System. Give 'em a call.
Arabs on the Temple
Mount, together with the Islamic Movement in Israel, are now destroying
the remains of the First and Second Temples so they can build a new Mosque.
Good idea?
Disinformation
from the Pentagon? Nah, no way.
In a desperate attempt
to show that the Enron scandal wasn't just a Republican
scandal, the press reported that Kenneth Lay spent the night in the
Lincoln bedroom during Clinton's administration but it was actually during
Bush Sr.'s administration. Ooops.
What's the big, big,
big, big hang-up in advancing technology? Batteries,
the power source from hell.
A photo in the New York
Times clearly shows an Israeli soldier beating the crap out of a Palestinian,
right? Wrong.
Positive proof that
God
Hates Flags.
Hey, no more reporters
will get kidnapped and killed if they use robo-scribes.
Did you know that microbiologists
are dying left and right?
The absurd
controversy over mammograms is quite titillating.
Now you too can find
out how Americans lost their right
to own gold and became criminals in the process.
I taught I taw a Chuck
Jones website. I did. I did see a Chuck Jones website!
Is that Venus
in your evening sky or are you just happy to see me?
Because of changes in
the law, these
guys have now applied for a patent for putting salt on fried potatoes.
325 names on the list
of felons
prevented from voting in Florida had conviction dates in the future!
It seems that 2,873 voters were wrongly removed, a purge authorized by
a September 18, 2000 letter to counties from Governor Bush's clemency office.
It is estimated that at least 14 percent - or 8,000 voters, nearly 15 times
Bush's official margin of victory - were false.
Looking for a job? Check
out the al-Qaeda
employee handbook.
But don't forget, Islam
sucks.
Do you know your online
rights? Have you received a letter asking you to remove information from
a Web site or stop engaging in an activity? Are you concerned about liability
for information that someone else posted to your online forum? If so, check
out Chilling Effects.
If one of the Sopranos
was a news announcer, they'd have to point out that the Hubble repair crew
on the Columbia just blasted off on the biggest fuckin' spacewalking
challenge in NASA's fuckin' history.
PUZZLE FROM HELL
