WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

March 11, 2002

Hurray, the elections are over. Now the people who really run things can get back to what they do without worrying about who's going to pretend they run things for the next four years. 
- Helen -

10. Winning the Crufts 2002 Dog Show is no consolation to Lyndon Johnson for being reborn as a Norwegian standard poodle.

9. David Letterman announced he's staying with CBS. Israel ended Yasser Arafat's confinement in Ramallah. Coincidence? I don't think so. 

8. George W. Bush praised the voting process in Zimbabwe, saying "They've come a long way since the days when tribal leaders used their power to put relatives in office." 

7.  Michael Jackson may launch his first U.S. tour in eight years, but only somebody returns his nose. 

6. The missing 30 seconds from Winona Ryder's security tape show Rush Limbaugh shoving those items in her bag.

5. "Isn't it bad enough I have to share a cell with John D. Rockefeller?" asked H.G. Wells from the fourth level of hell. "Now my own grandson Simon Wells is making crappy remakes of my books." 

4. If "Big Fat Liar" doesn't break $50 million, a Pentagon official will leak the US secret plans to annex Canada to Matt Drudge.

3. Courtney Love claims to have written a song before 9/11 called "Life Despite God" that psychically predicts not only the event itself, but Prince Abdullah's Saudi Peace Plan, Will Farish's nomination as ambassador to England, and her own lack of credibility.

2. Will Frankie Muniz become the highest paid child movie actor since Macaulay Culkin? Depends on Ariana Huffington and O.J. Simpson signing up for "Celebrity Boxing."

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Attention K-Mart employees. Sale this week on cash registers and shelving.

Personal to Dennis: That wasn't a very nice thing to do.
Personal to Satan: Will you do me a favor?

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

$89 million for Anna Nicole Smith divided by 27 years the Roman Catholic bishop of Palm Beach, Florida got away with sexually abusing a teenager times 22 Arab nations calling for international intervention to stop Israeli aggression minus cigarette product placement in 191 films equals 50,000 right-wing activists gathered in Tel Aviv to protest Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's policies divided by K-Mart's plans to close 284 stores minus 22,000 laid-off workers plus the number of weeks Drew Barrymore stays single.

CARTOON FROM HELL

GREETING FROM HELL

George W. Bush waved at Stevie Wonder when he took the stage at the recent presidential gala.

MUSIC FROM HELL

John Ashcroft sings "Let the Eagle Soar."

CORPORATE NAME CHANGES FROM HELL

The Chevron Corporation has changed the name of its oil tanker "The Condoleeza Rice" to "The Altair Voyager."

Britain's largest insurance company, CGNU (Norwich Union), spent one year and $1.4 million for consultants, focus groups and research in 50 countries to come up with a new name, Aviva, which is the exact same name as a dress shop 300 yards away from the company, which they hadn't remembered seeing, and whose owner, to come up with the same name, spent 10 minutes over a cup of coffee.

 QUIZ FROM HELL

Which comes first?

c) One
a) Two
b) Three
d) Four

ADVERTISEMENT FROM HELL

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Is this not one of the methods used by the Nazis against the Jews. Is this not a new Nazi racism? Is this acceptable to the international community?"
-Yasser Arafat -

"How can anyone govern a nation that has 246 kinds of cheese?"
- Charles de Gaulle -

"What happened in 2000 did as much damage to the pillars of democracy as terrorists did to the pillars of commerce."
- Alec Baldwin -

"I think Bush is amateurish and self-serving, and, frankly, it's disgusting."
- Sandra Bernhard -

"Who's Sandra Bernhard?"
- George W. Bush -

"Ninety-nine percent of the world's lovers are not with their first choice. That's what makes the jukebox play."
- Willie Nelson -

"Ever tried. Ever failed. Never mind. Try again. Fail better."
- Samuel Beckett -

"One of these days is none of these days."
- English Proverb -

DUH!

"Serving Notice On Iraq Not On Cheney Agenda"
- USA Today Headline -

FIVE OTHER THINGS NOT ON CHENEY AGENDA

Getting toenails polished
Synchronized swimming lessons
Skydiving
Hookers and coke

INVENTORY FROM HELL

NUKES

China: 400 - 410
France: 400 - 482
North Korea: 10
Russia: 13,000 - 20,000
UK: 200
United States: 10,500 - 12,000

Nuclear Warhead Production Capacity Estimates:

India: 85 - 90
Israel: 100
Pakistan: 15 - 20
Source: Abolition 2000

Estimated number of times the current arsenal could destroy all life on
Earth:  16 times
 

BUMPER STICKER FROM HELL

COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL

Someone Tell Me What to Do

Can Sheryl Crow?
Can Stevie Wonder?
Can you see the storm before you hear the thunder?
Can J be Lo?
Can I be true?
Can someone tell me what to do?

Does Iggy Pop?
What does Drew Carey?
Is sex okay before you marry?
Should I say yes?
Should I say no?
What the hell is apropos?

    My mind is open to suggestion
    Someone close has popped the question
    You can't complain
    You can't disparage
    When Satan asks for your hand in marriage

Is John Gregory Dunne?
Does Penelope Cruz?
Have I really paid my dues?
Did Sally Ride?
It's deja vu.
Can someone tell me what to do?

Can I trust Beelzebub?
Will he beat me with a club?
Whatever qualities
He may lack
I know he's hot inside the sack.

    My mind is open to suggestion
    Someone close has popped the question
    You can't complain
    You can't disparage
    When Satan asks for your hand in marriage

SITES FROM HELL

The nation's cell phone service providers will soon know exactly where every one of their customers is at all times, making them the word's largest bathroom spy network.

Don't miss this hilarious collection of letters from someone obsessed with responding to spam.

Is the moon an artificial satellite put into orbit around the Earth by some intelligent beings unknown to ourselves? Some Russian scientists present the argument rather well.

There's amazing access to public records here, including complete political contribution lists.

Hey, did you know Mohamed Atta was best buds with the Saudi Royal Family?

Want to space out? Check out this gallery of images from the Hubble. I mean come on, they went all the way out there to fix it just for you.

What, you're not a billionaire? I guess you're not on this list.

Isn't it great that you can apply online to work for the CIA?

When does it stop being a conspiracy theory and turn into fact? Maybe when some place as conservative as Fortune Magazine prints the truth about The Carlyle Group.

This U.S. Department of Energy site lets car-shoppers find out which vehicles have the best and worst gas mileage.

Wanna barf? Listen to this MP3 of George Bush admitting that war plus national emergency plus recession equals trifecta.

If you haven't seen The Flying Car, a short film by Kevin Smith, then what are you waiting for?

Anyone want to argue with Vincent Bugliosi? Read None Dare Call It Treason and find out the facts about the Supreme Court from someone who REALLY knows what he's talking about.

Rabbis admit that the bible isn't literally true. No shit.

What is Bush's single dumbest idea? Weaponizing space.

And resumption of nuclear testing isn't such a swell concept either.

Here's a fun little game: Take a look at these photographs and try to find evidence to corroborate the official version of the 9/11 crash into the Pentagon. Among other things, the hole in the building is too small to hold the wings of the plane. The footage of the explosion from the security camera that's all over the news doesn't show the actual plane, just the explosion. No viable conspiracy theory yet but damn, something fishy's going on.

Concerning Bush's steel plan, can you say retaliatory tariffs? Come on, join with me. Say it out loud. It's fun. It trips off the tongue. Retaliatory tariffs. Weeeeh.

Not enough fungus in your diet? There soon will be. It's called Quorn and the Food and Drug Administration has approved it for sale in the United States as a meat substitute.

An excellent list of Internet hoaxes, email rumors and urban legends concerning 9/11.

How many naked Bjorks do you want to see? Too many in Bjork's new video, banned from MTV.

Why is the music industry killing off the single?

Mandatory reading: How to democratize American democracy By Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. Excerpt: "The true significance of the disputed 2000 election has thus far escaped public attention. This was an election that elevated the popular-vote loser to the American presidency. But that astounding fact has been obscured: first by the flood of electoral complaints about deceptive ballots, hanging chads, and so on in Florida; then by the political astuteness of the court-appointed president in behaving as if he had won the White House by a landslide; and now by the effect of September 11 in presidentializing George W. Bush and giving him commanding popularity in the polls."

PUZZLE FROM HELL

Answer to last week's puzzle from hell:

"Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner."
- James Bovard -
 

Fuck your immortal soul
Read "Who's Going to Hell This Week?"